Brain Vomit

I’m not sure what I am going to write. I just know that I have thoughts trapped in my head that need to get out. I am not a writer, but I feel like there is a therapeutic aspect of getting my thoughts out of my head, and on some sort of medium (pun semi-intended).

Recently, I have come to grips with my anxiety issues. I’m not sure I will ever “get better,” but I do believe I can learn to manage it, and to lessen the negatives impact it has on my life. The first step I took in this process was finally seeing a doctor. Though it was not my first time seeing a doctor for mental health, mostly for depression.

I have been on several SSRIs the past 15 years or so. Honestly, it’s hard to remember exactly when and where it all started. As I get older my memory of specifics from my childhood and adolescents years become faded and fuzzy. The latest medication I’m on seems to be working.

Some of my anxiety stems from my natural instinct to bottle things up. (Yay, modern masculinity) Some of it likely tied to my family history of depression. Some of it from the constant moving I did as a child. I would move to a new area, slowly make friends, then in 3 years I would leave them all. It was a was constant until I moved for my senior year of high school.

Strong eye contact with other people during conversation is no longer extremely awkward for me. I’m slowly gaining back the confidence I used to have in myself. The idea of speaking up for what I believe in is much less crippling. My desire to be more social has also increased. I would normally opt to shut myself in. At my age it’s much harder to make friends than when I was in college and high school. It’s not impossible, but it definitely will definitely be a process that I need to constantly need to work on.

Anxiety will never leave my life. It is something that I can fight and keep it from limiting how I live my life. It can be an absolutely isolating disease, but there is a way out the isolation.

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