A while back I had one of those moments.
Everyone around moving a beat faster than me, trying to get to their destination ASAP, but it all seems a bit blurry because I’ve slowed myself down to the third person perspective. I wasn’t thinking about where they might be going, but rather how come they are going somewhere and why I am not. After all, that is the most important journey of all. The one to become the best version of myself.
I was being held back by my failures and my fear of further failures. Sometime, in the peacefulness of the night, my failures would glare at me from the dark. Reminding me the next step would lead to another fall.
Breath little one. Who do you think you are? You are a speck of a speck in the vastness of the universe. So fall, get bruised, the calluses would soften the next one. Would you get there in the end? Who knows, but look, you’ve learn how to barrel roll and that’s cool. Barrel roll > confidence.
After trudging through jungles and fighting through the swamp, I am finally in front of the path I wanted to take, tinkling with codes. I am putting effort into the work I am doing. Time is spent. Energy is spent. Yet life is relentless with it’s plethora of distractions and my surrounding won’t let me stay in peace. It’s like a 6 months old on a b̶a̶d̶ good day.
So I distract myself by thinking about the current project. And then it hits me. I am distracting myself from the distractions in life — with programming! It used to be the other way around not too long ago. Working an unsatisfying job clocking in, clocking out. Days and months went by being static in life, and the only outlet was distractions in life — books, movies, games.
Yet, there is also something else going on too. I am shielding myself from life with programming, with coding, with being too busy for anything else.
I feel like a kid with no idea how to navigate life, and I am using my career or the pursuit of one to block off all other aspect of it. Tax, car, house, relationship, marriage, children, death. I feel so helpless in tackling these areas of life with nothing at my disposal. So I entrench myself in work and let it be the excuse for everything else, because if I don’t, I wouldn’t know what to do.
Breath, little one. Being lost is the natural state of things. We’re born promised only an adventure in life, and it is up to us to make it great. That means continuously trying to locate our better selves and venturing there amid the chaos of life. So, you are focused on your career, but guess what? You already have one since your very first cry into the world all those years ago. Just let one part compliment the other, and you’ll find much progress in all those places you feel lost. Being found is overrated, and very boring.
At the end of the day, it’s alright if I cry, sweat, and bleed because I’m not longer distracted from life.