Mind Battles, Anger & Other Sh*tty Stuff

My head throbs incessantly from the constant battlefront raging inside. Mind battles of epic proportion. Even when you’ve “mastered” (as much as one can) the battle techniques that work for you, there is still the exhausting exercise of keeping the sh*tty thoughts at bay.

I began telling you the other day about my life falling down around me over the last few months. And while I’m grabbing at the dirt of life clawing my way back up the mountain, I decided to be real with you along the journey.

I’ve spent a lifetime, or a dozen it would seem, dealing with the shit other people put in my head. The well-intentioned comments and advice from others, societies thoughts on how girls should be raised, the environment around me, bullies at school, and so on…led me astray in my belief in who I was and what I was capable of.

For years I suppressed who I was in order to make others comfortable.

After my second divorce, and reeling from all manners of abuse (yeah, he was a real peach), I spent several years working on weeding out all of the old tapes playing in my mind. The ones telling me I wasn’t good enough, valuable enough, smart enough…you get the picture. Perhaps you’ve heard them too?

So, here I am again fighting the battle. This time I have no doubts about who I am. Instead I’m effing angry. ANGRY!!! I’m furious with myself for allowing another person to hurt me.

And that’s the rub isn’t it? In order to live or to love, you have to be vulnerable and get in the mix. That also means you have to be open to being hurt in some way. Most of us live in fear of that. And so we sit on the sidelines year after year, wishing things were different but not daring to take one chance for the happiness and freedom that exists if we do something about it.

I took the chance. Went all in. And, you guessed it, I got taken advantage of by someone I decided had enough potential to place my trust in.

So today I’m struggling with the reality of this. The reality that to live and love and be free in life — to pursue our dreams — we must take the risk of being open, vulnerable and courageous. It may mean that we get our ass handed to us 9 out of 10 times. But, isn’t this worth it for the win on #10?

The emotional roller coaster that has ensued this time is vastly different than ever before. I’ve discovered I’m a hell of a lot stronger of mind, spirit and body than I have ever been. I’ve discovered that I’m puzzled by the brokenness of others and that their only way to survive in life is to destroy another’s life. I’ve discovered that I have to continue to remain open and not hide from the potential greatness in life because of a few terrible people in the world.

Those few terrible people in the world don’t stand a fighting chance against the love that pours out from others.

I also discovered that being a person of grace and compassion does not equal weak boundaries. (I have to tighten those up pronto!) I’m well known in my circles for my compassion and giving. I give more than I ever receive. The issue is my boundaries. I let people take and take and take like vampires while I shrivel up with no returns. It’s time to love myself for awhile.

For if I don’t exist, if I don’t have the strength, if I don’t have whatever talent to give…then I cannot continue to be what my family, friends and ultimately the world needs.

I guess I’ll end it with this for today.

What fingerprints will we leave on the world?

Will we take advantage of others for our momentary gain? Will we suck others dry never to offer anything of value in return? Will we be ugly with our words and twist others perceptions of themselves?

Or, will we be people who live boldy and love greatly? People who dare to dream big and go for it even while we know that we will lose a lot on the journey? People who love on others and provide a helping hand up to our neighbors around us?

Today I didn’t offer you “3 Ways To…” or whatever. I offered you myself, my heart, my vulnerability in hopes it will be a lifeline for you. It takes community to do life. And sharing our stories with each other creates the fabric for community to exist within.

Live boldly. Love greatly. — ❤ Jen