Thank you for your well articulated thoughts. I’m sure that many women feel the same way. However, there are other ways to view the feelings that you are having. While shame may be one of them and yes we can absorb a lot of crap from other people, your entire analysis still rests on the idea that any of these men’s behaviors/comments/actions have anything to do with you. As someone who works with men, I can tell you that it often has nothing to do with you. The man who commented about liking petite women in your presence is either 1) simply an a-hole, or 2) is SO attracted to you that he is now worried why he is leaving his comfort zone. Neither of these have anything to do with you. In fact, when men make stupid comments it is usually out of fear that you are too good for them and they are getting anxious. I would rather celebrate these moments than internalize them and I wish more women would understand that sometimes men process their experiences differently and that their reactions have more to do with what is in their head than who is in front of them.
As a woman, I also have no problem with the “you’re so hot” comment. Mostly becuase I feel comfortable engaging in a conversation with him about sex and emotional intimacy. Men are biologically programmed to be more visual than women and I think we should stop shaming them for it AND directly communicate our individual preferences for how we would like to be treated. Desire is natural but women often wish for that to be conveyed more sensually and romantically rather than sexually. Communicating this need can make you feel more empowered and most men love talking to a woman who knows what she wants.
You are right in pointing out that men are not able to talk about their sexual experiences publically. Today’s man has to learn to be masculine in a society that know pathologizes masculinity — it isn’t easy. This point of your article is well articulated and I thank you for making this point so abundantly clear. We all need to spend more time talking about sex and desire!
