If My Dating App Profile Was Accurate

Name: Jennifer but I prefer Jenn and if you call me Jennifer I will hate you

Height: Too short for half of what’s in fashion right now

Hair: Blackish-brown? But I had a bought of identity crisis so I have these blonde highlights. I guess they look okay. Also my hair is curly but I straighten it a lot because of societal constructs and pressures.

Eyes: Not blue, unfortunately.

Body Type: Not fat but not super skinny… I work out sometimes and I have crazy muscular thighs because of all my sports as a youth. So I guess I’m pretty average? I like think I look good. I’d definitely be able to survive on an island without food for a while, I guess.

Smokes: uh…

Drinks: sometimes I have two glasses of red wine for dinner. Not with… but for dinner.

Relationship Status: been single since the womb but I swear I’m not crazy there are like totally non-crazy reasons why I’m single. I promise.

What I’m Doing with my Life: biding my time until a wizard shows up at my doorstep and offers to whisk me off on an adventure… but in the meantime I’m an assistant who wants to be a tv writer who hopes that maybe one day I’ll sit at a comic-con panel and have people scream my name when I walk on stage and freak out over something I created.

The First Things People Notice: I’ve been told that I come across as a bitch and probably someone who is really mean. But that’s just my face. It’s a natural bitchy resting face and I can’t help it. They also notice my butt apparently, but I feel like that’s weird to mention here because I’m more than just my body, ya know?

I Spend a lot of Time Thinking About: conspiracy theories, weird historical facts, plot holes from my favorite books and movies, girls that go from one boyfriend to the other in a span of three weeks. HOW DO THEY DO IT? Girls who only ever hang out with their boyfriends — don’t you miss female companionship? Why does Goofy live in a house but Pluto lives in a doghouse? Is the DaVinci Code actually real? How do you get the perfect winged eyeliner without looking like the Hamburgler? Is Gordon Bombay the perfect man? How do they actually get ships into those bottles? When do you think aliens will make contact?

Ideal Date: Honestly, let’s go to like a book store or a museum because if I have to go to another stupid dinner where I order the non-garlicky food item in the hopes that I might get some action I’m going to lose it. I want a cheeseburger always and if you’re not down with that then we just shouldn’t even date…

Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit: I cry a lot. I don’t know why. It just happens.