WINDOW INTO MY MIND

I sit waiting at the doctor’s office. Hoping, that he’ll take me seriously. Praying, he won’t send me away with a pat on the head and a patronising “You’re imagining things”. It is the first time, I am at a point where I don’t know how to proceed with my life – where I hit a dead end. I am completely and utterly lost. The first time, where I have to say: “I can’t do this anymore” over and over. The first time reaching desperately for help.

That was my life three years ago. It was the first time, I needed to look for outside help. Until then I had always been able to cope internally. I had to survive, I had to push through, I had to be strong, I had to … Up until a point, where I just couldn’t.

In 2013 my doctor helped me by putting me on sick leave for 5 weeks and sending me to therapy. Looking back, I shouldn’t have asked him to stop putting me on sick leave. But back then it seemed like a good thing. I quit the job that was hurting me and the sun was breaking through the clouds again.

2016. I sit crying at home. My soul hurts so much and there is nothing I can do about it. And I realise, that I can’t escape. I am stuck with me. No matter where I am, I will always be there and my pain will also be there also.

I am at a point in my life, where I hit a wall. Here I am again: Completely overwhelmed, sad and mostly not able to do anything. Not able to cope. Emotionally exhausted. Thinking, that it might just be a right or wrong mindset, but not having the energy to change anything. Everything is exhausting. My soul has been ground raw and my only priority is to get better. My mechanisms, that were supposed to catch me in case I fell, just didn’t work anymore. They failed me.

In these situations I feel weak. And I want to be strong again so much. I want to feel in control and whole.

Again I went to see my doctor and again I was put on sick leave. Only this time I was put on medication, too. I am glad for it.

Depression is hard to understand from the outside. And it is just hard from the inside. It is hard to draw the line between “this is good stress - you have nothing to worry about” and “this is the worst kinda stress”. It is easy to know when you’re ill, when you break your leg. It is broken, there are x-rays to prove it and then you get a cast and it will heal. It’ll take time, but it’ll heal. 
But how do you tell that you have depression? In my experience it kind of creeps up on you. You have indicators and in the beginning these indicators can be interpreted as something good. You will never really have solid proof, that you are ill. And that is, what makes it so hard for me. I have to be really tuned into my body and my emotions and understand every single signal my body sends me. I didn’t want to be ill again, so I kept going although the bad signs were clearly there.

Why did this happen?

I let myself be crushed by outsiders. I haven’t yet been strong enough, to stand up for me and my health entirely. A long time ago I learnt to say no. I hope, that this time, I will learn to let action speak louder than words. Otherwise I will find myself again at a point, where everything I have built and worked for crumbles around me.

What happens, when your life breaks down?

You have to pick yourself up and fix the things that are left broken. Simple enough to say and write about, but believe me … I know: It. Is. Hard.

There will be people, who are by your side and people who just don’t get you, people who think that you have become a liability. I was and am very lucky, to have the best boyfriend in the world. He really tries to understand me. He comforts me, when I don’t know why I am feeling so very low; he holds me, when I need to feel loved; he tells me I am beautiful, no matter how many pounds I gain due to stress and he was and is by my side for every step of the way. I am lucky, to have such a strong partner to lean on.
But as I said, there are people who do not or cannot support me. They might even be awfully sorry, that I don’t feel well. One article I’ve read on this subject says, that it feels like people are expressing their condolences. They don’t get my pain, but they feel sorry for it. 
And still others don’t understand how much I am suffering. Some brush it off, some simply don’t understand, how much I just need them to be there for me, how much I need to lean on somebody to not drown.

I want to tell everyone who is in the same position as I am right now: 
You are not weak. You are strong!
There are so many sides to you: Intelligent, caring, kind, strong, funny, passionate, beautiful … And one side of you — a completely different side of you– shattered. You are still strong and you are still beautiful. You just have to painfully rebuild the side, that broke under too much weight or too much pressure.
Do not give up. You owe yourself more. Push through. There are better times ahead. Get the help you need to build deeper roots, so that in the future, your tree is not as easily shaken by a storm, as it was this time.

You are not alone. I feel you.