Before you crucify me, wear my shoes!
“People who create their own drama deserve their own karma.”
It was early in the morning(1am) and as usual I coudn’t find sleep. Was writing my next post and so I just decided to check my Facebook and bam! I meet him online (let’s call him Clark)..That one friend who always says things yet never respects them...I was mad, outraged and so filled with bitterness...why? Was it because he never checked on me even after he knew I was kinda down and I needed support? Was it because I asked for his help and he just kept giving me excuses instead of being honest with me? Was it because I was expecting him to give me as much importance as I gave him? I couldn’t really determine the real reason..all I knew was I was disappointed.
Clark: "How are you my dear"
Me: "I'm ok. I was just checking on you since you can't do so"... Beware! Whenever a girl says this to you, you're about receiving some real conscience talk or she's about breaking you into pieces.
He said: " I just woke up . I was sleeping".
Me: " Always giving excuses"...Surprised, he exclamed 'Hmmm". I didn't even give him the chance to continue the conversation and I said I was going to bed. When emotions take the lead, one doesn't just think twice. He asked what was wrong and I said "nevermind". And innocently, he just said "ok..it's fine then". OH MY GOD!! He just dug his grave.
P.S Never you say "ok" or "its fine" after a 'nevermind' response because it's definitely not OK and nothing is fine.
I just couldn't hold it anylonger..I poured out my feelings..He's my close friend so where the hell was he when I needed a friend? I blaberred for some minutes and used words like "its fine though, I guess I'm not that important to you" and he just stared in awe. I concluded by "If I ever write to you again, change my name. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore"...I was bitter..maybe aloe vera could be sweet compared to me at that moment...Yeah he did me wrong but did he deserve that reaction or those words? I told you guys that whenever I do write about things, God tests me right? Well I woefuly failed this test. I didn't use my words to bless someone..I did hurt him but I cared less for I was more hurt than he could ever imagine..why? I'm still figuring that out. I didn't give him a chance to even explain himself...I wasn't open for dialogue.
He started apologising, saying he knows he hurt me but he promises to be there for me. That my forgiveness is all he needs and I said I had alot on my mind now so I can't say anything to him...that I know he's going to hurt me again anyways so its all good. He said he knows I have alot on my mind and that's surely why im pouring it on him first..reducing the weight. Maybe he was right but the fact is, I had been complaining for the past months so I had reached climax. He brought up the 'we all need second chances' and 'Have you never hurt someone in your life before' talk and stuff but I said I needed time. Then he said something that struck me: "Sammy why are you so hard and difficult?". and he added " Do you know you can actually make a man cry?" I paused..
In life, there is always someone, at a particular moment who'll point out something about you and it'll pierce you deeply. I have hurt people, true but this particular situation pictures only one person and everything is now clear to me. It only happens to others and unless it touches us too, we don't see and know how it feels like to be in their position. This person (let's call him Sean) had always poured out himself to me and believe me, he isn't that open to people. But somehow, mostly unconsciously, I did something that hurt him and there came a time where I was in the exact situation as Clark. I was the one begging, pleading and asking for a second chance. I didn't want to lose Sean for he is one of my greatest blessings. I just didn't get to show it to him as I should. Call it karma but I'll never forget this. I was now hurting, not cuz of what Clark had said to me but because I realized what I had put Sean through and I knew exactly how he really felt. For the sake of the story, let me just quickly tag myself as wicked and that I can't have a change of heart. But deeply, I'm the sweetest person you'll ever meet. What brings the change? Selfishness? Me just seeing my pain, my suffering, my situation and necessarily not considering the other person? Back to my story...
Clark is a nice guy and I know he cares..My problem? I just wish he showed that often. My other problem? I don't get to weigh situations. We all get busy in life and with age, we gain responsibilities. He surely has lots going on over there. He just moved to South Africa and he needs to adjust. Plus he has some things to settle and all that life puts on his way. I see it now but I didn't then...I was busy looking at my nose and forgetting to anaylze my environment. Sean is an angel, always wanted the best for me and worked towards that. Encouraged me and all. Reprimanded me when needed. He is just the real one. So many things that happened then and I couldn't necessarily understand them. Now I do.
We play the victim too often and we never take time to just pause and visualize everything. Not everything that happens is the other person’s fault. Examine the situation, spot your mistakes/problems and be more calm about it. Try seeing things through the other person’s eyes and understand them. Understanding is one hell of a concept yet once acquired, life is much more fruitful. All this is happening to me and I’m but grateful cuz I realize a lot of things and I’m working on my shortcomings. But I can’t help but break cuz I know I’ve hurt people in the process. I pray I’ll get my last chances with them and never get to mess them again.
Before you crucify me, wear my shoes.
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