If I was honest with myself

They say the truth hurts but it has to be told. Many a times we don’t really talk to ourselves…like visualize things as they really should be or at least, should have been. We just either dive in, ignore the signs or really don’t wanna dig deep into it. You can lie to everyone else but you can never really lie to yourself right? Maybe you do? Well, I just took some time out to be honest with myself and this is what I got:

If I was honest with myself, I wouldn’t be here. I surely would have still been in my country (Cameroon) now trying to get a masters in biochemistry or biological sciences.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you I’m grateful for family now more than ever. For without their help and support, I wouldn’t be who I am. I just truly want them to be happy.

If I was honest with myself, I’d rather be in our family house, with my sisters and all, laughing all night and spending those incredible moments together. I really miss them.

If I was honest with myself, I’d simply lazy around, do things at die minute, procrastinate and possibly do nothing productive with my life (no purpose). I just love my comfort zone damn too much.

If I was honest with myself, I’d say I’ve always played the victim, pointing fingers at others, accusing them for making me unhappy, for not letting me do what I always wanted to do. I didn’t take time to see I was the one at fault here.

If I was honest with myself, I’d be traveling round the world right now. Visiting all the countries I always wanted to, doing fun things, being brave and stuff. If only I had the means…

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you how restless I really am. Can’t fake it. It’s natural. And how I am struggling to get my degree even though I could have easily grabbed it.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell how dependent I am. I don’t even understand how difficult it is for me to think I can’t really make it on my own. I always need that push from someone to make me feel I have the zeal and power to do so.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you how graced I am to be able to advise people but automatically act like a dumbass when it comes to my very own issues. I just can’t handle my own stuff.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you writing is my sweet escape, my sane mental, for with this rushing mind of mine, I just can’t keep track of my thoughts.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you I’m scared/insecure. Scared of not even getting there, of not making it, of not being fulfilled, of not finding my purpose. And each day I wake up with just one prayer ” Lord help me find my way. Guide my path”.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you I can go through hell and back for those I love. My friendships are priceless to me and though I haven’t been the best friend these months, I still remain a true friend.

If I was honest with myself, I’d tell you I messed up and hurt those I loved. But that’s no news now..even if I could change time, I’d still have the same mentality so all I can do now is be better.

If I was honest with myself, I’d run to this particular person and hug them, tell them I’m sorry, tell them they mean the world to me and they should just hold on tight for me. I’ll make them proud soon

So many things I would be honest about but the real truth? I’M GRATEFUL I’M HERE. Why?

I’ve met amazing people, people who have impacted me like crazy. Taught me love, patience,selflessness, honesty, triggered my self-esteem, made me see my mistakes, encouraged and pushed me, made me be hard on myself in order to be strong.

Living here with my sister has forever changed my life cuz I’m growing into a woman. I’m not sure at home, anyone could have pointed out what she makes me see everyday (Nobody wants to hurt one another). I can openly talk to her now (told you guys I don’t open up) and I just really feel some inner peace like I no longer need to hide (from what oh…only God knows). I just can’t say thanks enough.

I’m now more open to critic. OMG! This has got to be the best improvement ever cuz at first, once you tell me something wrong about me, I just close up in my shell and don’t speak again. But now, I see through it. I actually understand and try working on it. The truth no longer scares me, it builds me.

I’ve learnt to be independent… Well I’m still learning…I’m learning to make decisions on my own and to own up for them. That’s the only way I could be taken serious. I’m learning to see things big, way greater than myself. I don’t even think if I was in Cameroon I would know anything about blogging or doing hair by myself or just fighting for things I want. So yeah, I’m grateful to be here.

I’m a better me, I’m learning to find myself, to know myself, what I really want and I get to see life differently. If I wanna do whatever I want, I could. I just have to be honest. Honesty is key in everything you do. It’s not just about wishing we had this or we could do this, but appreciating the process. Who we were before and who we are now. Not focusing on the mistakes but seeing the grace through them.

I hope I blessed someone today. Being honest could be tough cuz we don’t want to hurt the other but a lie is way sharper at hurting. So try…no..be honest, first with yourself and then with others cuz no matter what happens, the truth always prevails. God bless.

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