7 Things to Know if You’re Married to a Startup Founder
I’m lucky enough to have met the love of my life, my soulmate. We had the perfect fairytale wedding this year.
This was in contrast to the rollercoaster parallel life as a startup founder that I was experiencing on a day to day basis (fellow founders, you know what I’m talking about).
He entered my life at a time when MuseFind was just coming into year 2 of operation. The pressure to perform on certain KPIs was felt throughout the team and I was constantly pushing myself and my two co-founders Stephen Shen and Andry Tanusdjaja to continuously grow as leaders.
Outwardly we look smooth and graceful, like a calm swan swimming on a lake (you can read on our Q3 report here) but below these still waters we were paddling like hell.
Intense is an understatement when describing the throes of running a startup. There are fantastic articles on avoiding founder burnout, how to have healthy co-founder relationships and even how to run a successful internal hackathon.
When it came to my brilliant and empathetic husband, I often found it difficult to explain what it was like to be a founder. Especially on topics like capital raising as a female CEO, handling man-splaining, and what Founder’s Burn-Out means.
As a spouse, he was always seeking ways to understand in order to be as supportive as possible. But we found few resources for what it was like to be married to a startup founder. There was a gap.
Seeing that the average age of startup founders located in the very birthplace of ‘startup culture’ (Silicon Valley) is 35, the chances of these bright and young people being in some sort of long term relationship if not wedlock are high.
I’ve asked my husband to compile a list of things that he’d advise other spouses or partners who would ever find themselves in his shoes.
I proudly present to you the 7 things you need to know if you’re married to a startup founder, written by my husband:
- Believe: This one might sound cheesy, but has been so critical to the relentless support of my wife; it’s also a prerequisite to the other six points. The first trait spouses of startup founders must possess is to genuinely believe in their ideas, hopes, and vision. When I first met Jennifer, I was immediately convinced that MuseFind and influencer marketing would be one of the biggest disruptions to the marketing world — and that she’d be at the helm of it all.
2. Nourish: Make sure your spouse is well-nourished. Startup founders are so busy throughout the day that they might not have time to eat properly. On days when she’s running around meeting-to-meeting, I take it upon myself to order her lunch via delivery. It saves her precious minutes between meetings and calls while keeping her fueled. I like to order her “power” foods, e.g., kale, broccoli, quinoa, lean protein, and complex carbs. Also order for the colleagues she is currently with (or at least ask if they want anything).
3. Listen: On bad days (yes there will be many), just listen. You will listen to office drama, fundraising anxieties, technical terms that you don’t understand, or even bitterness over a cat not wanting to cuddle. Ask your spouse about his or her fears and insecurities about the business or about being a leader. Your instinct might be to offer solutions but this can be counterproductive. Begin with active listening. Repeat her thoughts/feelings back to her in your own words and draw parallels with your own experiences. The role of a startup founder can often be a lonely one. Even though I don’t know what it’s like to be in my spouse’s shoes, a bit of empathy helps her realize that she is not and will not, be alone on this wild journey.
4. Immerse: Ask about their business’ strengths, opportunities, competition, client interactions, fundraising efforts, colleagues, etc. Every day is so different in the startup world that there is always something interesting to learn. I try to attend all of the events and conventions that my wife speaks at. Over the past year, I’ve gone to Social Media Week, Microsoft’s Startup Showcase, New York Fashion Week, and a women’s roundtable discussion. If I’m unable to attend, I nag her to find someone who can record it for me. It also helps to meet and get to know your spouse’s co-founders and team members because these people are such a big part of his or her life. Startup founders have two families — their blood relatives and their team. Immerse yourself in both.
5. Contribute: The day after my first date with Jennifer, I took it upon myself to send her a screenshot of my edits to the typos I found on her website. Though I probably came off as creepy / anal-retentive, I just wanted to show her that I wanted to do something to be part of this movement. Over time, I’ve conducted research for her, provided feedback on slide decks, created a competitive landscape page, and even hand delivered karaoke microphones for an office holiday party. No task is too small in showing your spouse that you want to be her extra pair of hands.
6. Empower: this point is especially for if your spouse is a visible minority and/or non-male startup CEO/founder; it’s also for spouses who don’t come from a traditionally “prestigious” pedigree such as that of an Ivy League. Chances are that thoughts of Imposter Syndrome or other insecurities have crossed your spouse’s mind. On top of that, entrepreneurs typically face a myriad of rejections on their road to success, taking a toll on their confidence and drive. Empower your spouse by celebrating even the smallest of your spouse’s achievements. I’ve praised and congratulated Jennifer on: her public speaking abilities, cutting off “mansplainers” in a panel, and even hitting 1,000 views on a podcast interview. Though seemingly inconsequential when viewed individually, celebrating small wins have contributed to building up my spouse’s confidence, curtailing self-doubt, and developing into an inspirational leader. Most importantly, live the behaviors that you think a strong leader possesses and it will become contagious.
7. Reassure: Last but not least, reassure your spouse that no matter what happens in that unknown future, everything will be okay because you are married to each other. Remind your spouse not to fear failure or rejection and that failure is opportunity in its ugliest form. I tell my wife that even if everything crashes, she is an intelligent and driven woman and will find the next big idea; and I will be here to experience it all with her again. Tell your spouse that in her life of chaos and uncertainty, she can rely on you to be that one constant.
And as Warren Buffett said:
“Who you marry, which is the ultimate partnership, is enormously important in determining the happiness in your life and your success and I was lucky in that respect.”
If that’s called luck, then I’ve hit the jackpot in love.
Thank you, Fabian.
With love,
Jennifer Yemu Li Chiang.
