The Last Name Debate

Just like every other young girl, I used to write my name with my crush’s last name in a heart. When I was in high school I did it too. The difference is the guy whose last name I used then is now my future husband.

By the time our wedding comes around, we’ll have been together over ten years. That is a long time. To go from high school teenagers to 25 and 27 getting married is amazing. We’ve both grown tremendously as individuals and as a couple in that time. That’s why I am having this dilemma.

Two of my friends got married this year and they both took their husband’s last name. I don’t know a lot of women that don’t. I do wonder why. I’m sure part of it is expectation. I’m sure most of it is probably the same reason why part of me wants to take my fiance’s last name too: love for him and who he is.

There are a lot of women who keep their husband’s name after the divorce because that is what they’re known by professionally. My future mother-in-law is incredibly smart and dedicated to her work. She is currently working on her PhD in Public Health. When she remarried after divorcing my fiance’s father, she changed her last name to his. She divorced him sixteen years ago after six years of marriage. He was abusive to her and her daughter. Her bachelors, masters, and her professional career is built around that last name, so she still uses it.

There are other people who create a new name for their new family, or create a name by combining the two last names. Alexa Vega, the actress who starred in Spy Kids and was recently on dancing with the stars, married a singer named Carlos Pena. Instead of her taking his last name, or him taking her last name, they combined them. Alexa PenaVega. She kept her name and took his.

There are other cases where the guy takes the woman’s last name. Once on the radio, I heard a female telling the story of her husband taking her last name because it would “die out” otherwise. My ninth grade biology teacher once told me when she married her husband, he decided to take her last name instead. She said the both had long, weird names and he decided he liked her last name better. I’m not sure if that’s really why.

I’ve read in various books about when a husband and wife got married, in the past and in other countries, the wife would move away from her family and would become a part of her husband’s family. It’s not exactly that way anymore. There are instances when family visitation is lopsided. The show “Everybody Loves Raymond” is a good example. Raymond’s mom, father, and brother visit him almost daily. A more recent example of the situation being addressed is in a song by singer Megan Trainor. In Dear Future Husband, she sang “make time for me, don’t leave me lonely, and we’ll never see your family more than mine.” I don’t want taking a name to signify the end of my family to be immersed with his. I’m sure it won’t.

My fiance’ has told me repeatedly he wants me to take his last name but he isn’t going to force me. Just like he wouldn’t force me, I am not going to ask or force him to take my last name (one or both). We let the elephant wonder between us until the time comes when we have to decide.

Though most societal expectations are still the same, a slow change is taking place. I’m stuck in between the two. The one thing I do know is when the time comes, his last name would be an addition to, not a replacement of, my last name. I’m left with figuring out how to keep them both. The benefit is having a partner to work it out with.