Gaston isn't big enough:

Fart Jihad
Mar 15, 2017 · 6 min read

By Fart Jihad

The Real Gaston
The Pretender Luke Evans

Few Disney film villains provoke in the audience such equal feelings of revulsion and awe as Gaston, the hero of the classic fairy tale The Beauty and the Beast (1991). And yet the newest reboot of the classic story starring Emma Watson fails in its singular task to live up to the spirit of the original film by failing to accurately represent the hero, Gaston. This article lays out an argument for why I refuse to see this film and hopefully in the process of doing so I convince you as well.

Luke Evans is small. Gaston is big.

In song and in his portrayal, it it is clear that the critical consensus of the town's folk, of Belle, and even Gaston himself, that Gaston is big. Further it is clear that Gaston is not only a talented Hunter but also an excellent Marksman and Fighter. His skill tree is complete, he has earned all the XP. All side quest completed, all rare gear sets found. Gaston is the pinnacle of what man can be.

This is undeniably true. And anyone that denies it is either a coward, Luke Evans, or both.

Even before the eventual climactic fight with Beast at the end of the film, we see early on that Gaston’s strength and size are incredible. In the original film, following his first rejection by Belle, dejected in the Local Tavern, Gaston is met by his friends and followers, who sing him a ballad of his strength and prowess. In this moment Gaston displays several incredible feats of Strength and agility, which I shall outline here in order to compare the Real Gaston to the tiny weakling Luke Evans.

  1. ) Real Gaston has a big fucking thick ass neck.
This neck is madness

Gaston’s chief crony sings "Nobody’s neck is as incredibly thick as Gaston’s," following which Gaston snaps a man’s leather belt by flexing his neck muscles, specifically his sternocleidomastoid.

2.) Gaston’s single arm OHP is upwards of 400lbs, suggesting an 800lb OHP.

As a group of 3 blonde women sing "For there’s no one as burly or brawny," and Gaston replies "Certainly I have biceps to spare," Gaston lifts a wooden bench with the 3 women on it. Assuming that a wooden bench made during this time must weigh at least 50lbs (taking into account the material of unprocessed timber), and assuming that the women weigh at least 120lbs each, the combined weight of women+Bench must come out to around 410lbs. Gaston lifts these women and the bench with one hand up over his head, meaning that his overhead press is probably close to 800 pounds.

3.) Gaston has averaged a 4,800 to 6,000 calorie intake for breakfast since his youth.

"When i was a lad I ate 4 dozen eggs...and now that I’m grown I eat 5 dozen so I’m roughly the size of a barge," Gaston sings. In the process he swallows several dozen eggs whole. (The author presumes that this is his dinner.)

4.) Gaston fires a musket 3 times in quick succession

Gaston and John Wick: Brothers?

5.) Gaston eats a belt and spits it at a man, nearly killing him.

With these things in mind, it is plain to me that Luke Evans certainly does not match these descriptions in one iota. Now to refute these points in order.

1.) Luke Evans is only 6 feet tall and his neck, while well defined, is too small.

2.) His overhead press, while likely higher than average due to the athletic training that Hollywood actors receive, is probably closer to the low 200s, if that.

3.) We haven't heard of any training regiments that the actors gone through for this role, such as the dietary requirements for Christian Bale in bulking up for the first Batman movie. But based on his weight and height alone we can assume that Luke Evans probably maintained a caloric intake of around 2000 calories, and perhaps less if he was cutting for this role.

4.) Luke Evans did not undergo tactical firearms training like Keanu Reeves, nor did he train with former IDF war criminals.

5.) There's just no fucking way Luke Evans could eat a belt or spit it hard enough to kill his friend.

This is the hill I choose to die on.

It would be entirely reasonable for somebody to boycott this film say, if the Beast wasn't actually a "beast" or if Belle wasn't a charming and beautiful character filled with hope and compassion in the face of the challenges of loving the Beast. And so I think it's patently absurd that anybody would be willing to support this film when it is clear that the director and writers have no appreciation for what the original film stood for, which is that Beauty and the Beast is a vehicle for understanding the pathos and sheer indomitable will of the hero Gaston.

One can make all sorts of arguments that this lack of loyalty within the American Film audience is reflective of decreasing loyalty overall, perhaps a lesser emphasis on the nuclear family, or even the atomization of individuals within the neoliberal age. But above all else, I believe that it is a direct result of the pussification of modern man and the wholesale rejection of what it means to be huge, vascular, and incredibly aesthetic.

But one thing is certain and it is that the decision to represent Gaston as small, un-vascular, and not huge is directly related to the gimme entitlement culture of the millennial generation. Because Gaston is not huge, because he is not vascular, because his strength potential does not match the original representation of the original, the entire drama of the eventual climactic battle between Gaston and the Beast loses its weight.

This Gaston is no match for the Beast, and that is bad.

The Beast has nothing to be afraid of. Certainly, perhaps, Gaston could outsmart him by laying a trap or rallying the town's folk into attacking the Beast, using his charming personality as a weapon. But who is to say that the Beast could not outsmart him? As we know the Beast has been trapped, isolated because of his curse, and in this time I don't think it's far-fetched to assume that the Beast has read up on these sorts of things. Counterinsurgency tactics, guerrilla warfare, The Art of War, perhaps even the 21 foot rule. The Gaston in this version, which I think we should reject as not canon, is wholly unequipped to take on the Beast. And so it is clear that like Millennials who think they deserve trophies and are entitled to all sorts of socialist welfare policies, the Beast too is given an easy victory from the start. He's Bound by the Praxis that nothing in life is hard.

And so this bodes even worse for the hero of the film Gaston. Gaston will be denied the victory that he is assured because of the filmmaker’s decision to buff the Beast and to Nerf Gaston. And that is a terrible thing to tell children, for Gaston is the spirit of us all.

(Authors note: I have never seen The Beauty and the Beast.)

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