Surviving and Living
Have you ever sat down and realized that a week has past and you attempt to think back about the events of that week and found there was nothing of any import that you could remember at all? I realized this today, I had nothing eventful within my last week. It has all been meaningless worrying, anxiety, sleep, depression, and just periods of existing.
Is survival all that we are to strive for anymore? I am in this funk because of a few issues. The first; I was laid off. I was an operations assistant at a tech company, good work, fulfilling, and kept my hands busy. But, it was just something that I fit into the place of while I was making sure that my rent was paid and I cared for my family as best as I could. Was it my passion? No. Was it something I felt was extremely rewarding? No.
Then there are my other issues. The second; my roommates are moving. They will both be moving out of state in September. I have a month to get my affairs in order so that I can continue to live in the Bay Area, California. I would like to stay in the area. It feels like home, even though I didn’t grew up here. It is outrageously expensive though. So, I have to stir myself up trying to figure out how to exist in this area.
The third; my relationships, they suffer from being so constantly concerned with my financial issues. Just trying to live. The stress keeps me in a state that I cannot devote real time to those I care about. As such, my personal and romantic relationships suffer. You just aren’t any fun if you are constantly worrying about this and that. You cannot take someone out and treat them the way you would like, so it is better to let them go and not burden them with your issues. My friendships suffer because I cannot afford to go out with them when they want to head out and have drinks, or go on a trip, or even enjoy a day out in the city. All of this takes money and I am on a shoestring budget.
Survival
This isn’t a poor me blog, nor is this some idiot get rich quick blog. This is life, or at least this is what we are calling life right now. I am surviving. I know this. I have no time for my passions. I have no time to find my creative voice. I have no time to pour into my relationships.
What is the difference between surviving and existing? A hollow existence, when you awaken with dread, constant problems to solve, anxiety that cannot be shaken off, or just with a worry about where your next month will be lived, where your next meal will come from, etc. That is just surviving.
We of the lower class are supposed to be happy with this existence. Just barely getting by and having problems constantly to keep us busy. How dare we expect to have aspirations of anything more than that? Then there are those with vast wealth that globe trot and find strange ways to entertain themselves, like killing rare and endangered animals, and finding entertainment in sleeping with young children or getting strung out on designer drugs.
To live
I saw a billboard advertising the Lottery’s new game, “Set for Life.” The billboard says, “The freedom to live life.” Money, it can’t buy happiness. I agree, money itself cannot buy happiness, I have met far too many miserable rich people that are unhappy with their lives to think differently. That being said, money makes finding happiness a lot easier. I am going to be running at my passion as of today. I love to tell stories. I have been a Dungeon Master for Advanced Dungeons and Dragons since I was 15 years old and I have never thought of it seriously as a waste of my time. My heart beats for the days that I can tell a story and engage other people in it. Whenever someone can see what my imagination has dreamed up, for me to share that with others, I cannot think of anything that brings me more joy.
I have traveled to London and Scotland and it was one of the greatest times of my life. Just to see another country, a country that my ancestors had left two generations back. Travel sparks the imagination, it helps resolve prejudices, it helps you understand yourself as a human being. I cannot believe how excited and happy I was there. I had honestly not felt something as amazing before that moment.
But, I had to rush back to the United States after a short month. Money was the issue. I ended up putting myself in debt by $10,000 for the trip, it was a class abroad. My experience of pure joy ended up being tainted after I returned at least slightly.
I can only imagine how life would be like if I didn’t have to constantly struggle to make ends meet. I have gone down the right path, as many of my generation have, I graduated from college being rewarded with a Bachelor’s degree. I have worked the menial jobs that I was told would work up to something greater. I have been a manager a diligent worker, the model of a great employee, rewarded often with employee of the month, etc. But this doesn’t seem to be the path to happiness at all, just a path to survival.
Living life
I repeat, I am now dedicating myself to my passion. I am a writer. You have read this and see that either I am extremely delusional about my abilities, or I am skilled enough to at least be within the ranks of shoddy vampire novelists. Either way, I am committing myself to this path. If I end up homeless, I tried and I will continue to try. I will apply for jobs, but I will make time, very specifically toward my passion. I am going to begin working toward my creative passions with the same effort I put into dazzling those who I believed my betters.
I suggest you do too.
