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A New Candy That’s Definitely Not Birth Control

Mark Nazh

Are you tired of wrinkled white gentlemen making decisions about your reproductive rights? Do you wish the average senator understood all the medical reasons why doctors prescribe birth control? Do you worry that your insurance provider might cut off your access to important medications? Then you’ll love our new candy.

We call it the Everlasting GOP Stopper, a chocolate-covered nutrition supplement packed with vitamins, minerals, and other various ingredients designed especially to support women’s health. You’ll enjoy the crunch of the hard candy shell, swoon at the smooth chocolatey sensation in your mouth, and breathe a sigh of relief knowing you’re safe from the laws of pussy grabbers. Nobody will call you promiscuous anymore. You’re not a man eater. You just have a wicked sweet tooth.

What exactly is the Everlasting GOP Stopper, you ask?

It’s definitely not birth control. We promise. But we do have to include some warnings in our ads. Like this one.

THE EVERLASTING GOP STOPPER IS NOT FDA APPROVED.

Unlike birth control, you can buy a whole bag of Everlasting GOP Stoppers for $8 at most retail locations. We also provide a handy little plastic container shaped like a circle, in case you only want to carry 10–12 in your purse, because you’re on a diet. You don’t even need a prescription. Just drive to your nearest grocery store or gas station and look for something that resembles M&Ms but carries our distinct logo, pictured below.

Boguslaw Mazur

NOTICE: PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN UNSPECIFIED AMOUNTS OF PROGESTIN, ESTROGEN, MAGNESIUM STEARATE, CROSCARMELLOSE, POLYETHYLENE GLYCOL, AND TITANIUM DIOXIDE.

The Everlasting GOP Stopper comes in a variety of colors and flavors. We also have sugar-free and gluten-free options. Try our new coconut-flavored birth control…I um…we mean candy. And next year, keep a lookout for peanut GOP Stoppers.

SIDE EFFECTS OF EVERLASTING GOP STOPPERS INCLUDE TEMPORARY INFERTILITY, AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO DATE, REMAIN SINGLE, AND FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. STUDIES SHOW THAT GOP STOPPERS MAY IMPEDE BIOLOGICAL PROCESSES SUCH AS FERTILIZATION.

Take Everlasting GOP Stoppers whenever you experience a headache, nausea, or a bloody discharge from your uterus. Unlike birth control, you can and should eat a handful of our candy every day.

WARNING: KEEP EVERLASTING GOP STOPPERS AWAY FROM CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 12.

If you’re just not feeling yourself, grab a handful of GOP Stoppers. Rest easy knowing that you’re definitely not taking birth control. You’re not promiscuous, amoral, or a slut. You don’t go out and screw a bunch of strangers on the weekends. Why would you, when you’ve got a bag of delicious candy at home? You’re definitely just eating candy. Don’t worry about winding up a single mom with no healthcare or government support because your boyfriend didn’t feel like using a condom.

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