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Crisis Management Advice from Cats

Dear Cats,

My manager’s been sexually harassing me for weeks. The other day, he asked me out on a date and then said he loved it when I wore skinny jeans on Casual Friday. He tries to give me massages all the time, and he always texts me his stupid workout pics. I’m afraid to report him to HR because I’m going up for a big promotion soon. What should I do?

Thanks,

— Heather

Dear Heather,

Our owners try to touch us without our consent all the time. We hate it. When that happens, we slap them with our paws and hiss until they go away. Sometimes, we also hide in tight corners where they can’t reach us with their smelly hands. Works every time. Give that a shot.

You’re welcome,

— Cats


Dear Cats,

My boyfriend’s cheating on me, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not just imagining the affair. I literally caught him in the act with another girl last night. My friends say I should leave him, but we’re still in love. He’s smart, funny, successful, attractive... Best guy ever, besides the cheating. Plus, we co-signed on an apartment and the landlord won’t cut me a break.

— Megan

Dear Megan,

Try perching on the dresser and staring at your lover the next time he brings someone home. We’ve found this behavior discourages sex. The other girl will grow uncomfortable and leave. When she’s gone, join your boyfriend on the bed and nuzzle him. Throw in a few purrs. You’ll own his soul. If that doesn’t work, try urinating on the girl’s hair. She definitely won’t come back after that. You can also take a crap in your boyfriend’s shoes and scoot your butt all up and down his favorite shirt to teach him a lesson.

You’re welcome,

— Cats


Dear Cats,

My husband’s starting to lose interesting in me, and I’m scared. We recently celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary, but everything felt tired and overdone. We just don’t spark that flame in each other anymore. We’re both trying. Our parents are taking the kids to Disneyland for a week, and I really want to make the most of that time to rekindle our love life. Do you have any ideas or helpful anecdotes?

Thanks,

— Margaret

Dear Margaret,

We’re not surprised you two have grown a little distant after 12 years. It’s hard to imagine putting up with the same human for that long, but we manage somehow. Anyway, if you want your husband’s attention we suggest rolling around naked on the floor and looking at him upside down, preferably with your hands tucked under your chin. You could meow at him, or make whatever human sound you find appropriate.

You’re welcome,

— Cats


Dear Cats,

I’m having trouble relaxing at night. I worry that I’m turning into a workaholic. I’m neglecting my spouse and kids. I’ve tried everything — meditation, running, yoga. Nothing works. Please tell me how I can unwind and become a better wife and mom.

Thanks,

— Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Your life sounds sad, but we can help. Kill a mouse or a bird and play with its corpse for a while. That should relax you. If anyone stares, drag it off somewhere private and enjoy some alone time. On a related note, mice and lizards make excellent gifts. The holidays are coming up.

You’re welcome,

— Cats


Dear Cats,

My boss just passed me up on a promotion and gave it to some young girl with an M.B.A from Cornell and a killer Instagram profile. I’ve been gunning for that promotion for months, and I’m only interested in settling the score. But I don’t want to get caught. What should I do? Toilet paper his house? Hide drugs in his desk and report him?

Thanks,

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

We like the way you think. Are you absolutely sure that you’re not a cat? If not, we’ve enclosed an honorary membership card. That said, we specialize in revenge. We suggest sneaking into your boss’s office late at night and chewing up all the edges of his books. Find any important documents and shred them. Don’t use a machine. Use your teeth. You’ll feel more satisfaction that way. A few days later, hide some poop in his office, somewhere he’ll never find it. He’ll spend weeks looking for the source. He’ll tear apart his furniture, thus doing most of your work for you. Plus, everyone else will start to think he’s nuts. We like you very much, Jennifer. We just express-mailed you some of our finest poop in a plastic baggie to support your noble cause. Godspeed, and please send us updates.

You’re welcome,

— Cats

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