Donald Trump Summarizes Hamlet

Your university invited me here to deliver a graduation speech. Okay? They paid out a lot of money, folks, believe me, and I’ve been thinking hard — so hard — about what people need to know about success. I’ve written quite possibly the greatest book on success — The Art of The Deal — it’s on sale here, right? It’s on sale. I’ll sign copies later. Anyway, I don’t normally talk about failure, but there’s a lot of lessons there, many great lessons in fact, from learning about other people’s failures. You know who knew a lot about failure? Shakesbeer, folks. He wrote a lot about failure, and he became so good at failure that he actually became successful at it. All right, I see some strange looks in the crowd, and so maybe some of you’ve never heard of the guy, I don’t know, but I’ll tell you about his biggliest play about this guy named Hamlet. So many great lessons there, about things to avoid.

Let’s start from the beginning, folks, a cold night in Amsterdam. You have these guards, okay? They’ve been standing guard for a long time, a really long time folks, and it’s so, really just bone-breaking cold, and also extremely boring. If you’ve ever been a security guard, you know how boring it can get. Anyway, let’s stop and consider what these guards were doing out there in the first place, okay? They were protecting the border. Against what? The Finnish people, who were basically the Mexicans of Europe. Really bad hombres, these Fins. And I’ll go ahead and tell you, this whole thing could’ve been prevented with a wall. If you’ve just maybe, a wall, you know, then the thing with the ghost never would’ve happened, and that would’ve have been less of an issue to start with.

I’m not saying I should’ve been King of Denmark, but maybe. Hamlet, if he’d been more like me, then maybe what caused the tragedy — the general lack of walls and border security — would’ve been moot. Okay, let’s talk about this ghost.

So these guards, they’re cold and bored, and so to entertain each other they start telling these ghost stories. Funny thing about ghost stories, after a while you start believing them, and then one day they start believing about this one ghost, who happens to look a lot like their old boss. Now, this is extremely exciting, it’s the biggest thing that’s happened on the border all year.

Word gets to Hamlet about his dad’s ghost wandering around on the Border, and he says jeez this is no good, no good folks, I’d better go check it out. A little background on Hamlet: he’s in pretty bad shape, just lost his dad, and it could’ve been murder. I’m not saying it was murder, but just that many people were saying his uncle might’ve done it. There’s just some suspicious things, some things that don’t add up, like his uncle married his mom right after the funeral. His uncle, Santa Clause I think, no, no, Claudius…has taken over the throne, like in that HBO show. In fact, they’re very similar. Lots of incest already.

Hamlet’s mom’s name is Gertrude, by the way, and isn’t that kind of a strange name for such a MILF? I mean, look at her, just beautiful, she’s in such great shape. I’m just saying, if Gertrude weren’t Hamlet’s mom, he’d probably be dating her.

Now Hamlet goes out and talks to this ghost, and the ghost is very convincing, really a terrific public speaker and makes several great points, like maybe you should kill your uncle and take over the country. Make Denmark great again. Hamlet loves this idea, such a great suggestion, so he starts making plans.

Things start getting complicated through, because Hamlet likes a girl. I know, I know. Sad. This girl, her name’s Ophelia, and she pretty much ruins everything. When she’s around, Hamlet can’t think straight. While that’s going on, some of Claudius’s friends start getting wind of what Hamlet’s up to. Polonius and his son Laertes and some other people, they get together and they’re like, what are we going to do about this Hamlet guy? He’s snooping around, causing problems, and we can’t kill him because that’ll look pretty bad. His mom wouldn’t appreciate that.

They stoop pretty low, folks. They’re desperate to stay in power, so what does this anti-Hamlet crew do? They start spreading fake news about Hamlet, telling people he’s crazy. They even turn his mom and girlfriend against him with their lies, and it’s just hard on the guy. Look, he’s not crazy, okay? Just because he tells everyone the truth about what’s going on, that his father came back as a ghost and told him to kill his uncle, that makes him a lunatic? They didn’t have Twitter back then, though, but who knows? If they had, maybe something like that, Hamlet could’ve wound up in a better place. He could’ve used Twitter to get the truth out.

I’m going to have to skip ahead a little, folks, because the story drags in the middle. There’s a play and some other things that don’t matter much to the plot. I really do hate plays, don’t you? This Hamilton play everybody got so worked up over, very overrated in my opinion, but that’s old news. So the next big thing that happens is Hamlet kills Ophelia’s dad, and then everybody just goes nuts about it, forgetting that the guy was hiding in Hamlet’s mom’s bedroom. Frankly, that’s perverted behavior, and if it had happened to me, I would’ve done the same thing. The shooting, stabbing or whatever, was totally justified, and Hamlet should’ve been acquitted.

I’m not trying to spoil the story, but Hamlet dies. So unfair. And in the worst way, too. Poisoned sword, folks. Worst way to go. And everybody else dies too, because Hamlet’s uncle puts poison in the drinks. That’s just overkill. I don’t know how much you folks know about arsenic, but you can do a lot of things with arsenic, and quite frankly some bad things. So, that’s how it ends. Everybody dies, and the Finnish people just start pouring in across the border. It’s terrible, and could’ve been completely avoided.

That’s pretty much the end of the play. Oh, I forgot to tell you about the skull. There’s this famous part, a few minutes, where Hamlet holds a skull and talks about a comedian he used to like growing up, like imagine he’s talking about George Carlin. It’s a little bit out of place, but the ratings went through the roof, so Shakesbeer kept it in there. People raved and raved about the skull. Anyway, a lot of good lessons in this story, which speak for themselves. Happy graduation, folks.

You’re students, nevermore. I think I’ll end on that note. Nevermore. It’s from this other famous poem Shakesbeer wrote, about a talking crow. Read it, because it’s really great, just the best. I thought that was pretty clever. You have to end your essays on strong conclusions, people. Nevermore.