Excerpts from My Student Evaluations

Every summer, I receive an email from my college with my student evaluations attached. They take a long time to process. Sometimes, they don’t arrive until mid June. When they do, I love sharing them with my friends, and now you people. We used to have evaluation parties in grad school. Everyone drank wine and read their best ones. We also logged onto RateMyProfessor and got wasted on laughs. Some of the comments below amuse me. Some sadden me. Others frighten me. So here’s a taste, slightly fictionalized:

  1. First, this professor was too young. The university should hire older professors. Preferably male. I can’t take anyone seriously when they look like Victoria’s Secret reject.
  2. This woman has no idea who Taylor Swift even is. She says she does, but when I asked her to name some songs she just laughed at me. Very rude.
  3. Other professors do ice cream, pizza, donuts. Not this bitch. She brings coffee all the time, but only for herself. Incredibly selfish.
  4. I think she might be a witch. Just the way she looks at us sometimes. Like she might eat one of us. And she gave us Halloween off. If that doesn’t scream SATANIST, I don’t know what does.
  5. Another libtard professor. Said I couldn’t use the Bible as a source. Or Breitbart. Made me revise a paper saying stoning fags was in the Old Testamint [sic]. MAGA.
  6. Prof Wildfire knocked a whole letter off my grade for absences. SHE WAS SICK ONCE. Canceled class. Boohoo. Such a hypocrite.
  7. She says she has a boyfriend, but we never saw him. Isn’t that kind of strange? I think she cries herself to sleep every night. Saw cat hair on her shirt once. Explains everything.
  8. Everything I need to know, I learned in high school. Prof. Wildfire should be a high school teacher.
  9. Groupwork? Discussion? Seriously, it’s like she’s never even herd [sic] of PowerPoint. Just talk talk talk talk talk tlak [sic]. All the time.
  10. Very attractive. Nice. Easy class. I barely did anything and slid by with a C-.
  11. All you need to pass this class is Sparknotes. And yet, she takes attendance every single day. Sad!
  12. Prof Wildfire spends too much time on her hair. Seriously, I can tell. She could’ve used that time to grade our papers. Two weeks? Lame.
  13. Guys waste their time flirting with her. Not even for a higher grade like I do. They honestly think they have a shot. Frankly, it’s disgusting. And I don’t even see what the big deal is. She’s not that pretty.
  14. Complete waste of tuition. She told me you can’t end a story by having a character wake up from a dream. I see that on TV all the time. Does she even watch TV? Probably not.
  15. Showed terrible documentaries with weird accents and subtitles. Some of them not even in color. Talked about strange things I didn’t understand. Stopped going halfway through. Take someone else.
  16. I turned in grammatically perfect papers and still got Cs. She kept telling me to “dig deeper,” like I’m supposed to know what that means.
  17. Our textbooks are too expensive, and it’s mainly her fault.
  18. I swear I’ve seen her on PornHub. I asked once, and she wouldn’t say yes or no. Her teaching: no complaints here. Kind of boring, but that’s college.
  19. I had a perfect 4.0 until this class, and Prof Wildfire ruined it. She really should be tied up and whipped hard until she screams. I would enjoy that a lot. I bet she would, too, which defeats the point maybe. Whatever. I hated this class.
  20. Always acted like she knew so much more than the rest of us. Arrogant AF. And she kept talking about this sock Reddit method. What the fuck is that? Where she just answers a question with a question and so on? So irritating. Wouldn’t last a day on Reddit.