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Job Offer to A Stalker

I’m pleased to offer you a full-time position as my personal stalker for the duration of 2017–2018. The position carries no salary and will require a 24-hour, 7-day weekly schedule. You will receive no vacations or sick leave. Additionally, this opportunity involves certain health hazards such as application of pepper spray to the face and eyes, contact with stun guns, altercations with law enforcement, and knees to the genital area. If you are still interested, the position begins immediately.

You may work from a range of locations including the bench adjacent to my office, the parking deck on the north side of campus, or the bushes outside my bedroom windows. Other possible work spaces include my favorite coffee shop, the supermarket near my house, or my fitness center. You may also opt to telecommute 2–3 days per week, stalking me online.

We received many fine applications, but yours stood out for several reasons. My friends and I believe you have the commitment and persistence of a stalker, demonstrated by your frequent phone calls and personal visits during the past month. You easily outperformed all other candidates.

We also appreciated your numerous comments on my various social media feeds. You managed to type eerie compliments on every single post I made during the last 10 days — no easy task. You truly made my skin crawl and yet simultaneously made me feel highly desirable. You posted an appropriate number of references to my physical appearance, and also indicated your unending belief that we are soulmates. The five unsolicited marriage proposals, along with the wilted flowers on my doorstep, aptly illustrated your qualifications.

Many potential stalkers give up after 10–12 days of unsatisfied pursuit. You persevered, showing a true level of delusion and desperation.

The finalists for this position all submitted images of themselves photo-shopped into one of my pictures. Yours was the least convincing, and therefore the most unsettling. We made our decision after closely examining the wedding and honeymoon photos you made. One of my team members shuttered for three and a half minutes, another yelped twice.

I must say, excellent work.

This position carries a number of responsibilities. Foremost, you will follow me to and from work at least three days a week. You must also crouch outside my office and stare at me for at least 10 hours a week. I expect 6–8 photos taken of me from hidden vantage points— the more invasive, the better. We recommend you take pictures through the windows of my home, office, and gym to enhance the effect of being watched and photographed without permission.

Please also initiate unwanted contact with 5–8 of my friends, family, or coworkers per week. We recommend you keep all conversations focused on me, “what I’ve been up to lately,” and if I’m currently seeing anyone. Each conversation should last approximately 15 minutes, long enough to make each person feel uncomfortable enough to text me about the interaction. Finally, you have the option of creating artwork in my honor in a medium of your choice — paintings, collages, murals, songs, or poems.

If your work is satisfactory, you will receive a recognition of promotion in the form of a restraining notice at the end of our six-month evaluation period. At that point, my associates will arrange a meeting with you to discuss your future goals and professional development. Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you. Please contact me any time, anywhere, day or night. I highly anticipate the dread, discomfort, anxiety, and general fear for my life you plan on introducing and hope you will haunt my dreams.

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