No More Explaining Sexism!
It’s time to change the paradigm.
Because, right now, while we’re still in rage over the terrible stories uncovered, we need to learn how to defuse toxic masculinity and reversed sexism — or not much will change.
But first, let’s pad ourselves on the back for the excellent work, laying out all the evidence and painting a picture of hurtful male domination and hardened females, finally.
Not a small feat. Very trying, especially emotionally, for many of us. Including me. The stories were just not something you went around telling everyone until recently. Now, breaking the circle of locker room talks and stop downplaying demeaning behavior, is the next inevitable step. Even for us women who are still used to it.
We know now what we all did... We shrugged it off. Treated demeaning jokes or overpowering behaviors as silly and were told to ignore them. Or, in the worst case scenario, blamed women for them. We raised girls believing all they have to do is being pretty so they can land a wealthy, stunning prince.
So, demanding men, trying to find trophy wives they cheat on were like: “Oh, I got away with that? No consequences? I’ll keep going then.”
And entitled women, insisting on a rich man to take care of them, said: “This is how relationships must be. Clearly. No one is debating me.”
Overall, a very materialistic and superficial approach on both sides. Relationships are few and far in between from how it looks on the outside or in the bank account. Sticking to these beliefs, even without reaping any satisfying results, becomes an illusion — with an expiration date.
Now, why would sexist behavior be intriguing in the first place, you ask? It’s unfair, opportunistic or, even worse, suppressive.
My answer to that: Machiavellianism. The myth that we can only win by a “duplicitous interpersonal style, an absence of morality, a lack of empathy, and a focus on self-interest and personal gain.” So that’s what we’ve been doing. Living in a world where the result justifies the means. Scrupulously hoarding to gain the most, at any cost. Seeking and taking it all.
The motivation for most human behavior is the urge for Power. Just like wars, business, sports, or — let’s face it — bake sales. We define ourselves through our accomplishments, so being on top frankly means… Success and winning the race.
And since men have ruled most centuries, that’s what they were told to do.
Domination is not only a very American way of life, but a concept that has always enabled ambitious individuals to become the best. Worldwide. It exceeds the healthy competition approach and justifies any behavior that guarantees the desired outcome.
A new morality is needed, emphasizing fairness and respect from both sides. Like a good agreement between two parties.
It still really triggers me, reading other women’s experiences when the “fragile male ego” went off on them. Or a man manipulated, tricked or overpowered them to do what he wanted. We all have those stories. Or the ones about the lack of opportunities, due to your gender, or being publicly shamed for being strong. It’s just really hard to uphold your truth (so you might even start to doubt it) when someone else is so aggressive.
Sure, the theory exists men are wired that way because of testosterone. I’m sure it’s a valid argument. I do think, however, women have a similar urge to fight. And many men have told me the expectations of them being “Go Getters” are a driving force, which can even be overwhelming at times.
The same concept applies when any group, religion or an entire country is suppressed: it either builds your resilience or it breaks you.
It’s only natural to be tempted to hit back, Machiavelli style, in a world where no rules apply. After all, that seems to be the game we’re playing. Like this woman who publicly shamed her ex husband for leaving her for a twenty year old. Oh, oh. Even though the situation was terrible, I didn’t think that behavior was necessarily the right response.
Revenge — instead of taking sexist behavior as a fuel to do better — can’t be the answer. I’m sure Gandhi would agree with me on that.
And that work belongs to a therapist office or should be handled privately, due to its delicate nature. This is not a reality show. We all know everyone lies on social media, but she took brutal honesty to the level of a publicly shared drama. Even though she exposed him as a cheater and liar, we don’t know what else went on in that marriage. It became a blame game.
I’m not taking his side of course because suddenly splitting, seemingly out of the blue, is neither nice nor fair to the partner.
In conclusion: we can’t let men get away with selfish, entitled behavior any more and be adamant about breaking the power games. Because we have talked up a storm, shared and revealed their behaviors — the first step toward awareness. There’s a lot of confusion and meanness in women’s hearts too though. I’ve seen it.
The real shift of power and dynamics starts in the little things. At home. With colleagues. Even family.
It requires a lot of honesty and vulnerability from both sides. Since there have been a lot of breakdowns or refusals to look at things from all angles, that’s the truly hard part. We can only make progress when there’s a will to do it.
It’s a fact of life that we don’t budge until something drastic has happened to us. Until recently, it has been too hard to even bring everyone to the table — since the perpetrators and behaviors were excused. Denied. Even nurtured. Now that we finally got those things off our chest and acknowledged them, we are ready.
So, with the reveal, what damage unchecked male egos or female resentment have caused, it’s all out in the open. It’s the beginning of unity and real conversation. Support and small steps are being taken. Epiphanies are popping up everywhere. We are identifying brainwashed thinking and situations, labeling them correctly.
It sometimes feels like we’ve left a cult and are finally free to form our own opinions; making empowered decisions. The veil was lifted.
Naturally, having to explain yourself over and over, is tiring. And I do think we get it now. It’s not that hard. “Man went a little kooky — woman too. We are all resentful. ” Anyone still playing dumb or needing a better explanation why objectification is bad or what coercion looks like, can pick up a book.
True equality is not a privilege — it’s our right. Alerted to how far we are still from it, shoved us into reality.
The awareness will neither go away, nor the gender dynamic tolerated any more. We can’t go back. Just like in any battlefield, we are determined to stand strong now. Women, worldwide, finally picked up their uniforms. And I’m sure men will be relieved about that eventually. We have shown up.
So we can either continue to be at war or find a cozy tend for negotiations. With cookies and tea.
The female way for a change. Why not?
