Introducing Jetty: The Unaired Interview
While appearing at the Inc. 5000 Conference, Zach Galifianakis agreed to run a special sponsored edition of his popular webseries “Between Two Ferns” with promising technology startup companies in exchange for a fee.
His first attempt (with Luke Cohler and Michael Rudoy of newly launched insurance startup Jetty) was sufficiently disastrous that he destroyed the tapes and refused to conduct any further such interviews. He kept the fee.
Here, we present you all that remains of this failed experiment: the transcript.
[intro music plays]
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS [off-camera]: No, I don’t know who booked these two jokers either.
Hi, and welcome to another edition of “Between Two Ferns.” My name is Zach Galifianakis. My guests today are Michael Rud — doi? Is that French?
LUKE COHLER: No, but it’s funny you should —
GALIFIANAKIS: Shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.
But now I am. And this is my other guest, Luke Cohler.
COHLER: Hi, nice to be here.
GALIFIANAKIS: So, it says here that you’re in the insurance industry.
MICHAEL RUDOY: That’s right.
GALIFIANAKIS: So, isn’t your business basically done now that they’re trying to repeal Obamacare? Even if they're failing really, really hard.
COHLER: Oh, you must be thinking of health insurance. We’re in property and casualty insurance.
GALIFIANAKIS: I have no idea what that means.
COHLER [muttering]: Me neither…
GALIFIANAKIS: So, why did you want to start an insurance company? To be honest with you, I’d rather pick lint out of my armpit than think about insurance.
RUDOY: Well, originally we actually wanted to start a fashion company.
GALIFIANAKIS: Because you wanted to work with morons?
RUDOY: Well, no. But then, in terms of a business case —
GALIFIANAKIS: You’re boring me.
COHLER: We wanted to build a brand. Like so many of our peers were doing. But all the cool categories like mattresses and razors and luggage were taken and we —
GALIFIANAKIS: You obviously haven’t gotten laid in a very long time if you think mattresses are cool.
So, do you only work with investors who have animals in their name?
“Balance sheet partnership with Munich R — ” … “Munich Ray—”
COHLER: Munich Re.
GALIFIANAKIS: Whatever. How many lies did you have to tell to get the former CTO of Squarespace to work with you on such a dumb idea?
RUDOY: Well, we didn’t have to lie because we —
GALIFIANAKIS: Speaking of which, Squarespace is the simplest way to build your website with just a few clicks. Their award-winning interface is intuitive, easy to use, and user-friendly, even if you don’t know how to code. They have a wide array of beautiful, pre-designed templates for you to choose from, so you can build it beautiful just by dragging and dropping. Go to Squarespace dot com and enter the promo code “ferns” at checkout to get started.
COHLER: I’m sorry, what?
GALIFIANAKIS: They’re one of our sponsors. I had to say that.
I’m actually a WordPress guy.
Describe Jetty in a sentence.
COHLER: I like to think of it as a chic, French insurance company. For the rest of us.
GALIFIANAKIS: Is that supposed to be funny? Because it’s not.
What about you?
RUDOY: Jetty is the world’s first insurance company built for the city.
GALIFIANAKIS: That sounds like marketing and doesn’t mean anything.
All right, back to the notes here. It says you’re selling “condo insurance, renters insurance, and Jetty Passport, a suite of revolutionary renters services designed to help renters get into—” Yeah, I’m not reading the rest of that unless you sign up as a sponsor and pay us a fee.
COHLER: We did sign up as sponsors and we are paying you a fee.
GALIFIANAKIS: So, how did you hear about renters insurance? Because I’ve never heard of it and it sounds like a waste of money.
COHLER: My landlord actually told me to get it.
RUDOY: Yeah, and I actually had a really bad experience when I tried to buy a policy to protect my vintage furniture collection. I actually —
GALIFIANAKIS: You sound pretentious.
What’s your favorite insurance word?
GALIFIANAKIS: What does that mean?
RUDOY: Honestly I’m not sure, but it sounds technical as all hell and I love it.
GALIFIANAKIS: See, I knew you’re a liar. What about you?
COHLER: Because it’s French.
GALIFIANAKIS: What is it with you and the French? If I’d wanted Gerard Depardieu on the show, I would’ve answered his agent’s requests a long time ago.
Moving on… Give me three meaningless tech buzzwords you throw around to sound impressive but which have nothing to do with what you’re actually doing.
RUDOY: Chatbots, AI, and —
COHLER: Machine learning.
GALIFIANAKIS: I’m just kidding. I don’t really care.
[outro music plays]
No, this didn’t actually happen and it’s purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet! (But do believe everything you read on Jetty.com, which we’re launching today.)