15 Thoughts I Have When Browsing My Social Media Feed

1) Do people realise there is no point adding hashtags if their Instagram account is private?

#ICYMI, hashtags are used to categorize images and videos, thereby facilitating content discovery and optimization.

DISCOVERY. Geddit? By other users. That which is not possible if your account is PRIVATE and these users aren’t in your list.

#LikeSeriously #DidYouKnow #PleaseStop #Hashtagging #EveryWord

2) Does Microfiction really have to be that emotional and depressing?

No, honestly. Think about it.

8/10 times, there’s some heartbreak, painful memory, death, tears, separation, oppression and basically every super emotional melodrama.

Terribly sorry but skip the dard for a change, no? More of that wit, sarcasm and black humour, please?

3) What came first? The candid picture/selfie or the deep, highly philosophical quote accompanying it?

Was this quote, which has no business anywhere near this picture, meant to show off your philosophical genius?

Or did you already have a quote in mind that needed explaining, and this selfie was merely a case of visual aid gone wrong?

4) Does mentioning your professional prefix on Facebook get you job offers/extra respect or something?

In what universe will mentioning ‘CA’ or ‘Advocate’ before your name make any difference?

5) If we have no contact whatsoever but you send me individual snaps on Snapchat, then like, are we homies now?

I added you because we probably share alma mater. I’ve not seen you since ages. And even when I did, I barely spoke two words to you.

So what you doing, sending me individual snaps about your weekend partying scenes, bruh? Isn’t your Snapstory enough? #Awkward

Don’t go messing around with our equation just because you want to raise your Snap score!

6) What is the meaning of pictures like these? Am I missing something?

What possible beauty could you detect in this picture that you had to break out of your social media exile and post this?

Updates like these are why I have trust issues.

7) How do couples come up with these amazing proclamations of love on each others’ posts?

Do they Google these expressions? Or channel Lord Byron?

Or are they pre-meditated? You know, like murder?

8) Why would you upload 10 separate posts of the same trip when Instagram allows you to post an album?

We get it. You went to Leh Laddakh. You had an awesome phone. And a DSLR. And loads of time to click pictures.

WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU POST THEM INDIVIDUALLY, EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR, WHEN YOU CAN UPLOAD THEM ALL TOGETHER IN AN ALBUM?

#ILoveTravelling? Sorry boss. It’s called WanderLUST for a reason. You’re just in it for the flesh.

9) Have you not realised this meme/gif/joke is a 100 years old?

Tolkien is rolling in his grave.

Monday Motivation? Try Monday Monotony.

Get therapy so you can get a life.

Really? This? Again?

The whole World Wide Web at your disposal and you post this? You lazy assbutt!

10) Do you often suffer from bouts of memory loss? Or is asking people to “Comment below if you remember how we first met” a desperate plea for attention?

If you post these sorry excuses for status updates, IDGAF about how we met. I’m done. It was nice knowing you. Sayonara.

11) Can we stop with the FRIENDS and Harry Potter posts and fan theories?

It’s as if the world does not have any memory of a time before these two phenomena happened.

Chandler couldn’t BE anymore sarcastic. The 7 Harry Potter books are probably JKR’s horcruxes to make her fame immortal. GET OVER IT.

12) Do you even grasp the real purpose of a Facebook LIVE?

Er.. no. It is not so you can live broadcast your friend’s baraat procession. Because everyone who gives a f*** about it is probably already dancing to Kajrare next to you.

13) Why did you post a political opinion if you didn’t want to get offended?

It’s the rough equivalent of painting your ass red and blaming the bull for having a vendetta against you.

You asked for it, Mister.

14) Does this profile belong to all 5 people in your profile picture?

Do you think about the stalkers who want to know what you look like but are now confused because there is half the population of Andheri in your profile picture?

No. You only think about yourself. Or actually not because otherwise there would be a solo picture.

15) Haaaaaaave you met the ‘Edit Post’ button?

Sure, YOLO.

But you can post and delete your post as many times as you want. No negative marking, God promise.

So if there’s any error that could lead to potentially embarassing situations, please use that godsent ‘Edit Post’ button.

Issues in public interest by a concernced netizen.

GIFs courtesy Giphy. Images sourced from Google and for reference only.


Originally published at reveriesofanimaginationjunkie.wordpress.com on July 18, 2017.

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