I had a good weekend — in response, I lost about five pounds and painted for the first time in 30 years…a block has been lifted…a block I don’t even remember being put in place.
I feel incredibly centered…I smile or say hello to everyone I see…everyone in Times Square, every jogger I bike past, everyone on the elevator, every woman who looks through me on the train…and it’s Monday…I have courage I had almost entirely forgotten about.
I spent a good part of the weekend in bed nursing something like food poisoning and when awake studying for what must be the 6th of about twenty weekends of study…my weekend could have been shadowed by this past week…difficulty obtaining medical equipment last week and causing the cancellation of a business trip (I haven’t flown for 7 years) could have left me with a feeling of an imagined helplessness that I will never escape…but I've realized that I already have escaped. That the external no longer rules me and it never has.
Two even more major disappointments this week…romance and career… and I’m happy…overjoyed….because in my heart I know neither of these was right for me…and I’m happy I didn't go these directions because while I am more confident than ever today, there’s much much more to learn. I’m glad I didn't have to learn the hard way.
I also missed a social gathering with many Facebook friends, some incredibly wonderful people…some I have never met face to face…and would still like to meet…I went to a much smaller and intimate gathering later in the day when I felt well enough…good food, good people…I really enjoy my friends.
Facebook itself — the act of sitting alone with a computer yet with the illusion of intimacy -(how easy it is to misread people this way) — is now correctly identified in my mind as a stepping stone back to me…the more I outgrow it, the more well I get. The more I resist the temptation for validation, the better I feel. Non-verbal rules…and Facebook is all about verbal. Haven’t quit but decided to do the harder thing — stay and deal with it. I spent less time on Facebook this weekend than I have in a long time. When I quit smoking in 1998, the first thing I did was sit outside with the smokers and put myself right in the temptation situation…the strength you think you don’t have is there…if you just don’t think about it.
Don’t let anyone fool you — know (or even guess) which direction you want to go and try…and try…again and again…the result is not the most important thing…the doing is. The price of happiness is more happiness.
How many of the people that I smile at don’t know why I am smiling? How many running an inner dialog over and over…instead of just doing? How many take the happiness and make it their own?
