CRAFT COCKTAILS OF THE 2016 CAMPAIGN
The presidential primary season is in full swing, and you need a drink. But why settle for a Bud or Merlot when you can guzzle an exclusive mixed drink made in the image of your favorite candidate? Here are the craft cocktail recipes inspired by the men and women who stepped into the 2016 race. Ready? Let’s Make America Drunk Again.
KASICH’S KOOL AID
This is a straightforward, reasonable cocktail that sneaks up on you and eventually relieves you of your political cynicism and union negotiating rights. Start with two fingers of a blended whiskey of honest texture (whatever you have in the cabinet will probably do — don’t overthink it!), add a handful of Ohio buckeye, three drops of maple syrup, three ounces of fruit punch and pour it in a cocktail shaker. Shake drink vigorously, then shake your head at all the crazy stuff some people are saying — I mean, come on! — then pour contents into an old jelly jar, because we’re not fancy here, we’re just having a drink, all right?
Serving Suggestion. Serve enough rounds until everybody forgets you defunded Planned Parenthood.
THE MARCORITA
Senator Marco Rubio brings this twist on the margarita that’s fresher and younger than those stodgy recipes from past campaigns. Start with 5 ounces of tequila, add 80 mg of Adderall, 2 ounces of Axe body spray, ½ ounce of flop sweat, and one slice of mango balled up in your fist from nervous tension because you alone, and only you, know that America has become a bleak hellhole because President Obama willfully designed its degradation. Next, add two ounces of triple sec to remind you that if a great stump speech is good enough to say once, it’s good enough to say three times in five minutes. Stir drink with the vigor of someone with electrifying energy. Make a dick joke. Now, laugh at your own dick joke. Stir again.
Serving Suggestion. It’s advised that you minimize the drink’s ethnic origins by not serving the Marcorita in a margarita glass. Instead, serve in a hollowed-out participation trophy.
DR. BEN’S EASY FEELING
Mixology isn’t brain surgery, but it takes gifted hands — and a doctor’s written prescription — to create this blissful tribute to the esteemed Dr. Ben Carson. This unique confection is a simple mix of peppermint schnapps and any number of opioids on the market. Unlike the restrictions imposed by tyrannical Obamacare, Dr. Ben believes you should be able to choose your opioid like a true patriot, not have it rammed down your throat by a bureaucrat. Next, add three ounces of embalming fluid, and stir with a scalpel.
Serving Suggestion: Serve in drool cup. Any liquid left in the bottom of the glass should be snorted through a straw.
THE BERNTINI
This Bernie Sanders-themed libation is for those who need a good, stiff drink, which is roughly 99% of the population. Pour bourbon in a flask. Put the flask in the pocket of a gray, rumpled suit. Wait for Willy Loman-levels of anxiety and dread, which are inevitable in our rigged economy, where you are expendable and always on the verge of being crushed in the gears of the machine. Take out flask. Remove cap. Enjoy fleeting sensation of hope as you raise flask to lips.
Serving Suggestion: Sip slowly. Refresh Twitter feed. Repeat.
THE DONALD’S ANGRY WHITE JULEP
Prepared to release the pent-up flavors of long-distilled American spirits that have been ruthlessly pushed aside by foreign imports with their fancy tequila bottles. This cocktail has echoes of America’s past glory, beginning with a potent mix of Trump Vodka (bottles are housed in a warehouse in Bayonne, New Jersey — just give us a call!) and three ounces of Kentucky moonshine. Next add orange bitters soaked in high-fructose corn syrup, two ounces of Jeb Bush’s tears, a tincture of spray tan, five ounces of Goldschlager, and one mashed McNugget. Throw in a blender with crushed ice personally delivered by a groveling Chris Christie. Mix in blender, then pour in an empty Big Gulp cup. Garnish with a shredded tax return.
Serving Suggestion: Throw it in the face of the nearest Mexican.
CRUZ’S CONSTITUTIONAL CURATIVE
This unique and aromatic creation begins with six ounces of Canadian Club, a slice of onion, two anchovies, mashed pig testicles (2), a dollop of Brylcreem, a clove of garlic, a splash of distilled water, and two ounces of strychnine. Shake vigorously but nonsexually. While drink settles, take a few minutes to alienate everyone in the room. Garnish with several tiny hairs from Phyllis Schlafly’s upper lip. Add more strychnine.
Serving Suggestion: Serve only to Ted Cruz.
JEB! JUICE!
Sure, he’s out of the race, but this Bush scion’s memorable political journey deserves a place in this exclusive lounge. This is a cocktail of noblisse oblige, dynastic pressure and ironic punctuation. Pure Jeb! Take three ounces of fine cognac — the good stuff like they serve in Kennebunkport, not some crap that’s been sitting for five years behind a dusty bar in goddamn Cedar Rapids — and pour into a tall glass. Add two ounces of tonic, a fistful of bitters, two ounces of Everglades swamp water, and coriander seeds. Grind the seeds with a pestle, applying maximum force, as if a domineering mother is watching, judging you on your strength and commitment. Strain into snifter and you’re done. Please clap!
Serving Suggestion: Do not add alcohol to taste, but just enough to make the drinker socially awkward and slow on his feet.
HILLARY’S HIGHBALL EXPECTATIONS
Hillary Clinton’s signature drink aims for the perfect balance of bold flavor and substance, but achieves neither. Begin with a glass of Flint drinking water. Place the glass of discolored water to the side, but still in a place that’s highly visible. Take out a large bowl. Pour contents of entire bar in bowl. Apologize for the spillage, but not for too long, because now it’s time to move on. Take out highball glass and wait for pollster to suggest ingredients. Fire pollster. Just give up and make a whiskey sour, so you can just get the hell away from these people.
Serving Suggestion: Serve with resume and an air of inevitability.