A Summer of Hope, Not Fears 🙏❤💙💚💛💜
If the concept that life is truly a book we author, then my chapter dedicated to this year's summer will be titled, "Summer 2016: When my choices reflected my hopes, not my fears."
Life has its unique way of teaching us lessons or setting course corrections. For me, 2016 started pretty good. Professionally, I had a job I was thoroughly enjoying as it was work that was both challenging and gratifying. Personally, friendships were getting stronger and I was stepping out my comfort zone trying new activities and becoming quite good at them. I picked up snowboarding and got certified to teach group training. Up until April, I was deep in the weeds of planning my first major trip abroad and doing it all solo. My life was simple. Though not exactly content, things were going well.
When the blooms of spring arrived, change also swooped in. I met a guy. A good guy that commanded my full attention and something that rarely happens. We began dating right before my birthday and, to be honest, I was geeked about the prospect. I wanted to see him more. Learn more about him. I wanted to put my best foot forward, show what I had to offer, and let the chips fall where they may. What I was not going to do is worry about rejection or that my advances wouldn’t be welcomed or reciprocated. I liked this guy. A lot. Fear of rejection would not be an obstacle. I would only worry about what I could control.
Unfortunately, things between us didn't pan out as I wanted them to. Four years as a single man, with all the lessons and experiences that have accompanied me along the way, have prepared me for a committed relationship. He just wasn't where I was. He wanted more time alone and dating going through the growth that life forges in all of us.
I’m not a guy that dates often. Frankly, I’m just not that good at it. But when I do, I do so with purpose. I want to get to know him, learn what’s possible, and hopefully he does the same with me. The last time I felt this strongly for anyone was actually four years ago, so experiencing all those quirky emotions that arise from really liking someone was almost like experiencing them for the first time all over again. Excitement. Caution. Endless thoughts. Hopes and fears. All associated with this one individual that won’t leave your mind.
I think we could've killed it together as a unit. Genuinely. But, it's not meant to be. Why that is so is something I have to figure out and something that will only come with time. Time after all heals all wounds and the scars that remain are reminders of the lessons we learned.
I feel frustrated and sad about this summer. I invested so much energy into this one person and the possibility I thought we had, that it not working out really saddens me at times. But, I do find solace in realizing that my decisions and my approach to life this summer was based on hope, not fears. And that’s the way it should be every time because it’s worth it. Experiencing all those emotions, even the tough ones, are worth it. Love, even the hope to find it, is worth it. What has not changed is my readiness for that which has become most desired in my life; commitment, partnership and the beginnings of starting a family. It didn’t happen from April to September, but I can only hope that the experience is just another step to get me ready for what will definitely arrive some day soon.