My Growing Shadow
Anxiety’s Grip…
Fight or flight were two words my managers spoke of constantly, while I was working. They would talk about a leader who could fight and overcome the obstacles in the workplace. My problem was this shadow (anxiety) constantly followed me because of my own fears of failure. This issue would build up into reminders of my regrets in the past. Anxiety was like a puppy in my life, growing more each day I would succumb to its stranglehold.
My job was fast paced and demanded more than most businesses. I’d joke with fellow associates about how we sell groceries, and we’re not saving lives in this environment. The problem was, I knew my job was paying the bills and taking care of my family.
Last year, I was transferred from my store because my department ran smoothly and it was finally making money again. My district manager came in one day and told me he wasn’t moving me as a punishment, but another store in the district needed help from someone who could train the associates and inspire them. I was skeptical about the decision to be transferred because I was going to one of the worst stores in the district. This was based on other managers’ experiences from the clientele to the associates currently working there.
I hesitantly accepted the challenge, but whether I said yes or no, I would’ve been put in a classification of managers that would not give me any growth with the company. At this time, my goal was to become a store manager or a retail improvement specialist.
My wife had already put her notice in at work because we wanted to have a baby and start working toward having a family. We had discussed it for almost two years and felt the stress of her job may have been the problem. I was accepting of the decision because I was making enough income to take care of both of us, and we really had nothing to worry about. We were able to pay bills, buy groceries, and go on nice vacations without the concern of finances. A luxury I never had working as a clerk or an assistant manager.
The week before I was transferred to my new store, my anxiety was building up. Other managers told me about the struggles and what the customers were like at the new store. I even had a few of them say they begged and cried to the district manager to not send them there. It was almost like a prison sentence in their eyes.
I wasn’t going to let these managers’ opinions about the store affect my goal though. It wasn’t until the night before a wave of anxiety flooded through me. I was nervous about the thought of recently being certified to be a manager in charge of the store and having to get my first taste at customer complaints. My recent store was very attentive to complaints and there weren’t many I had to worry about at the time.
When I arrived in my new store, I thought I would be walking into a department set up and in proper order. Well, my store manager scheduled me to start on the day after floors were cleaned and waxed the night before. Not knowing the setup of this department, I was tasked to setup every table with the assistance of an associate that couldn’t remember what the department looked like before. My anxiety was sent through the roof when I realized I only had two hours to figure out how the department was supposed to be configured and where everything was supposed to go.
The store manager came in at 6am with a huge smile on his face. He was happy and thrilled to have me there, but he wanted me to start from scratch with the department. I was never brought into a new store, where I was responsible for rearranging my department the very first day on the job. He told me what better way to start in a new store with me setting up the department from ground zero. I understood what he meant, but I was already filled with anxiety and thoughts of regret for accepting this transfer.
I finally went to the backroom to discover there was still three pallets of truck waiting in the backroom, and our new truck was going to be arriving in about two hours. My first thought was anger, fear, and sadness. I left a store to come to a shit hole with associates who wanted to care, but their previous manager didn’t care enough to put processes in place. I honestly didn’t know where to start.
At the end of the day, I went home and told my wife my concerns about the store. She told me to list all of the tasks needing to be prioritized, and everything I could fix later on along the way.
The department was a mess and the customer complaints about quality was embarrassing. Plus, I had an untrained staffed that either didn’t care or weren’t given the tools to succeed. I should’ve seen this as an opportunity, but my anxiety was forcing fear on my shoulders which led to depression.
After a month, there was progress and the associates did care. They wanted a change as far as being more organized across the board. I was a perfectionist so everything I showed them was always new to them. These were actually simple tasks from hand stacking fruits properly on the salesfloor to workspace organization in the backroom. Even cleanliness was a factor most of them didn’t know much about because the recent manager didn’t address it. Communication was a huge factor as far as getting the buy-in I needed from the team to make this department successful.
The second month I was there, we were making more progress than the month before. Everyday was smooth without any issues. I received a new assistant manager because my former one just wasn’t cutting it for what the department needed to be successful. This younger assistant came in with a positive attitude and a willingness to work hard to bring this department on its feet. He reminded me of myself when I became an assistant. Eager and willing to get the job done no matter the sacrifices and costs of work and life balances.
In July 2020, Covid-19 finally spread into the store. Four associates fell ill to it within a two week span. I was hit with it shortly after which was the beginning of a transformation I never would have imagined for myself. One with an acceptance of change, growth, and selfcare.
