‘The number 1 reason people divorce is not because of cheating‘
And I bet you can guess which month has the highest number of divorces?
What else you got? –Ok, 7 secret signs your relationship is headed for splitzville and what to do about it.
What about the kicker:
‘How to stay together when you’re stuck together’ (and you’re not allowed to kill each other by the way, apparently that’s frowned upon and still illegal I’m pretty sure)
Don’t let the Corona Virus break you!
Besides, you really don’t need something ELSE to worry about. And, if you do break up and one of you needs to move out, where would you go anyway? It’s not as though you can just up and leave your home right now, there is this little thing called isolation and quarantine and restrictions you know… so you might as well stay and have fun rather than stay and be miserable right?
But, before we go any further, who the hell am I and why would you want to listen to me? I would highly advise you don’t actually. I mean, what would I know, I am divorced, then I broke up a 8 and half year partnership during my best ‘fertile’ years, and then met the love of my life and then he left me, then I met a potential love of my life and my last ever partner, never to be single again! And then? Well, then ‘carona’ hit and he needed to ‘emotionally’ distance himself. I mean how much fucking further apart can you get than me living in Hunter Valley NSW and him in Murfreesboro Tennessee! WTF?
Needless to say I am now once again single and can’t even mingle! — ironic really. Most of my life I have had a boyfriend, since preschool actually, Joseph was my first boyfriend. We were 4. I always liked boys. I understood them. I hung out with them and learnt to speak to them in a way they wanted and could understand. Some may say I was manipulative. Others, me included, would say that was smart research. So, I have pretty much most of my life chosen, yes consciously chosen to have a boyfriend, or a partner, or a husband. I even had someone else’s husband for a while but that’s another story and it’s as usual, ‘it’s not what you think’. But that’s for another time….
Today is about you. And why I started Breakup Brilliant and became a Leaving Coach wasn’t by accident. It was out of sheer necessity from all the heart ache and heart break I have been through. I designed my program as I went through each breakup, including breakups from several jobs and a business I had for over 17 years- my longest ‘relationship’ ever. I have gained and lost it all, and lost and gained it all. My partner, my business, my friends, my home, my jobs, and somehow I managed to eat my way through it too. Yep, you guessed it; I gained a fair amount of weight. I went from playing and coaching sport 5–6 times a week and going to the gym, cycling 200km a week, swimming, Pilates, yoga, you name it, to nothing at all. Zero. Zilch. I would walk to work –a 5 minute walk as I lived on a retreat, YES I know! I lived at work on a wellness retreat, you think I would be able to sort my shit out but I was exhausted. I was lazy. I had CBF.. all the excuses wasn’t going to get me anywhere but in the same place I was. I was adding to all this not taking any of it away. I gained in areas I didn’t want to gain, like my arse and my once small waist was now the same size as my hips and what the hell was this stuff creeping around the back — back fat? When you sit down and you think someone is pinching you near the ribs constantly, hunny that’s back fat, and that ain’t fun for no one.
The only thing I wasn’t going to lose was my mind! I made bloody sure of that. I was determined to see all these as re-directions, not rejections. Opportunities, not crises.
I didn’t just make ‘another program’, I was the program. I did the program many times and I no doubt will go through it again. I breakup with shit all the time. People, relationships, friends, business partners, suppliers, stores, jobs, tasks, habits, even myself.
When I was trying everything in my marriage to ‘save’ it, I had two choices. FEAR or FEAR — Forget everything and run or face everything and rise. I chose the latter as the first one sure as hell didn’t work. I tried everything. I tested everything and I didn’t just go through it all, I actually documented it all, in case I went through it again or I could actually help someone to break up and really be the best version of themselves from it.
The way I was seeing so many people go through the same things over and over — I saw a pattern and to be honest, most didn’t actually go through it, they went around it, or tried to, and they are still messed up. They just thought they would be ok, get a new partner and boom… it’s all better, except nothing changed. Their new partner was just a little bit taller or more mature or younger, or better looking. They ended up with the EXACT SAME PERSON AND THE EXACT SAME RELATIONSHIP they were in before. They chose the first FEAR forget everything and run, but what they ran into was the same thing they were running away from! You now the saying, what you run from, you run into and it won’t go away until it teaches you what you need to learn.
I don’t want anyone else to go around in circles. I don’t want that for you. I want you to have conscious choice to stay or to go. Even if you have already gone, or your partner has. So I have spend the past 20 odd years of research, my personal experience and all my knowledge, courses and all the therapy and ‘THINGS’ I did that worked for me and put them into this and threw out all the b’s that didn’t.
Now it’s your turn…
Whatever state you and your partner or relationship are in, you come as you are and you have the choice to leave who you want to be, and be with. You can choose to go, of course. I am not making the decision for you, but before you do, have you both tried everything you possibly can before you give in, or give up?
Let me ask you this: How would you feel in a year’s time looking back and thinking…if I had just done this one last thing, if I had said, if I only asked, what if….This shit will do your head in, I know, I have been there. I now only make the mis-take once, and learn from it. It just means on my first hit, I missed the target. A ‘mis — take’. Making the same mistake twice? Well, we all know where that ends up…. Exactly the same place. Pain and misery. Suffering and Chaos.
Funny how we used to say ‘you don’t spend enough time with me, you are always working’ or ‘I want to spend some more time with you’, ‘why don’t we spend time together anymore’. Well, congrats, you are in luck! Probably for the first time in our lifetime — history has given us the luxury of A LOT of time together. Ok, if you don’t live together, that is another problem in itself but also a great gift… now some of us are literally forced in our homes, to actually LIVE with this other human — holy crap! Now we will find out the REAL person who has been hiding inside this WHOLE time. Goodluck. But you don’t have to do it on your own.
So… stick or split? Stay or go?
….Breakup to make up?
Or Breakup to Brilliance and get ready for your next relationship?
Here is a series of ‘Isolationship’ ideas to start to implement — you need to actually do these to make a difference — reading them is nice, but it won’t do shit for you, or your relationship. So just humour me and do at least one thing in the next 30 days pretty please. Your challenge is to ensure you have a relation -ship not a relation -SHIT.
Here are some of the things to get you started… you’re welcome :)
Ps remember we love hearing what you tried and why and what your experience was. Message, video, pics, whatever! https://www.facebook.com/breakupbrilliant
Also, if you are struggling to read this or you think you are too far gone, please head over to ‘HELP ME/US’ https://calendly.com/breakupbrilliant make a time, turn up at that time, and I will be there on the other end for you, or for both of you to chat and find out what’s going on and how I can help you to get some clarity in the chaos and some fucking calm. Because Fucking calm is waaaay better than ‘ahhhhh’ calm, sitting in a lotus position with sitar music and the smell of incense burning. A weird arse chant that makes no sense and loudly sticking your tongue out and shit. This is not that kinda thing. This is the no fluffy woo woo no BS kinda thing.
Let’s take your relationship with each other and your selves by the balls (we are not taking each other by the balls, let me be clear here) and be the person you want to be and have the relationship you want to have on the other side of this crisis. ‘Leave who you want to be and be with’….
Don’t let your relationship become a statistic — this is not a crisis. This, my friends, is a challenge! To take this as an opportunity. You only have to choose one thing. If you are in, or you are out?
If you are in, lets breakup brilliant- it’s not about breaking your relationship up, it’s about breaking up with the relationship you have with yourself, and breaking free from the relationship you have now, and getting the relationship you want.
There are only 3 things you need to remember:
Yep, only 3.
The number 1 reason people divorce is not from ‘cheating’, it’s not even a lack of communication — it’s from not knowing how to communicate effectively for the other person. Over thinking and over analyzing are not your best weapons here. What we think about, we bring about, and I am sure there are certain things in life we don’t want to bring about. Like January, as it’s the month that has the highest number of divorces. I guess its ‘nice’ that people don’t want to break their partner’s heart at Christmas /holiday time?
Well, my partner of over 8 years I will be telling you about below, said he wanted to breakup with me in our garage while we were getting supplies for our guests for our New Years Eve party, in our home- like 11pm kinda time! He really took the ‘divorce’ in January to a new level. Imagine having that bombshell dropped on your heart with hands full of wine and beer and soda and a house full of your best mates an hour before new years and having to compose yourself and walk back into that party as if nothing happened!! It was the first New Years Eve I didn’t get to kiss him. We got back together after this because we sat down and communicated. (for another few years anyway). And you will know how that story ended as its one of the ones below.
Where focus goes, energy flows:
1. 5 love languages is an easy one to do straight away — find out how your partner ‘speaks’, listens and wants to be heard. Do that now, here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
2. Values — finding out what you both value as individuals and as a couple is vital. 25% mine and yours, 75% ours and ‘us’ The old 75/25 rule. Having things in common is great but having EVERYTHING in common is just having a relationship with yourself and guess what, that’s not a match for a relationship, that’s just you. Having around 75% matching values is about right and 25% of your own.
Now, this is the BIG thing. When I was married, I subconsciously took on all of my husband’s values and lost my own. I remember being out one night for dinner with the girls and I felt anxious. A trait I didn’t have much of in my life but seemed to take this trait on in my relationship as my husband suffered greatly from this agonizing health concern. I kept looking at my phone wondering when the messages and calls would come through asking when I would be home. If he trusted me, surely I would be ok to go out with my friends? I value fun and friendship and love being with my mates. He valued time alone more so I started to change my behavior as it was a lot better at home if I did and I then started to resent him and started to lose what I loved. Him included.
Years later, I met my partner and the funny thing was, he loved going out like I did, but he ended up going out a LOT more towards the end of our relationship. I used to call asking him to message me to know he was ok and not riding his bike home drunk when I was worried he would be dead in a ditch. I had complete trust in him regarding being faithful to me but it was a different kind of trust.
I was sick of sleeping upstairs as I knew he would eventually come home be drunk and snore stink of alcohol. I kept waking up, waiting for him to come home and know he was ok. I was sick of crying myself to sleep as I racked my brain with ideas on how to fix this, to fix us. I kept trying. I went on holidays with him, without him, separately doing our own things, and together but the kicker was I couldn’t be rejected anymore. I felt like I was invisible. I lost and gained weight. I bought new sexy clothes and underwear, I went to therapy, I got coaching, I hired people, I spent less time in my business and more time to do things together -you name it, I tried it. In the end, I asked him to help us. He said no. It was then I thought I am fighting for us, but I really should have been fighting for me as there was only ever going to be one person in this fight. And I guess, I would win, but I would also lose.
I only wanted one thing from him, I wanted him to want to fight for us. I wanted him to communicate what he wanted. I wanted him to help me fight for us but he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t even willing to try, to help, after almost 9 years together. I was devastated and relived at the same time.
We had chemistry, we had connection, most of the time, we even had communication but we lost all three. He said to me, ‘you need sex to have a connection and I need a connection to have sex’. — He was right and wrong. I needed both. So I left. And I broke up brilliant.
3 weeks later, I met the love of my life by mistake…. Or was it? What a whirlwind that was. Rebound you may call it, I call it holy shit universe what the hell are you doing? It is amazing how everyone is an expert in this stuff. Oh, you need to be broken up for 12 months before you get into another relationship. Or, you go girl, getting over a man, get under another. Opinions are everywhere, wanted or unwanted, everyone has the right advice you know. It did my head in.
Who is to say that 4 years went past AND THEN we met? Would that be a more appropriate time frame? They would probably say why are you waiting so long? You are no spring chicken; you need to get back on the horse. For FUCKS sake, let people do what their hearts and minds want. Time is irrelevant to you when you are the one living your own life. You do what you FEEL is right for you.
Man, we fell. We fell hard and broke up harder. We connected, we had chemistry — like an actual chemistry lab. Best part, we had communication. We were both so surprised at how much we shared. Every thought, every shitty feeling, every silly dream, fantasy, emotion, even the gross parts of the bodily functions you really don’t want anyone to know. Everything I suggested — like the love languages, he was in! The values exercise, he was in. what went from pulling teeth with my ex of almost 9 years, became just a suggestion and bang, it was already done with this guy.
We met because we both needed to know what it was REALLY like to love and be in love. To feel like we could do anything together, and separately. That was the biggest thing for me. To feel my own courage to do the things I wanted in my life and for my life. We felt like we were on drugs all the time. My confidence was at an all time high, I was loving my job and even became more successful in it. I had better relationships with my friends. I lost weight and got fit. I did things I loved, and so did he. We planned for the future, holidays, even a business venture together. We sat and starred at each other like teen ages and every message on the phone was that butterfly feeling. It was actually surreal. We were thrown together at that exact time to learn from each other that we were worth the ‘big love’ and I can safely say, neither of us had ever felt like that before and we both deserved to feel it!
I do not regret the love, nor the loss as the learning from that relationship as that was greater than anything I have ever learnt before. I now knew what I wanted and what I deserved and I re built myself in a way I wanted, not ‘getting myself back’. I had broken up with myself. I didn’t want that back, I didn’t want the ‘old me’, I wanted a new and improved me. I wanted to breakup brilliant and that, my friends, is when I went back and refined my program even more. Now, it was ready for others. I had researched 20 years of my relationships and the relationships of others and now, its ready for you. (when you are ready)
Here is that values exercise:
Circle all the ones that stand out for you, or delete the ones that don’t. Do this separately, then come together at the end and compare your values with your partners. You can also do this with friends, family and even my business and my team have our own ones. We have a slightly different one for the business, if you would like that one — message us on our fbook or instagram page.
Write any other values you have here that are not in the list
Being the best
Making a difference
Great, now we need to take some away….
Write down your top 10 values, not in any particular order.
Now, halve those values to make your top five:
Lose another one to make your top four:
Lose one more. You are now left with your three top values.
How does this make you feel?
Go down to two:
And then one.
Want to know what those 7 signs your relationship is headed for divorce?
1. You speak but it doesn’t ‘land’ you can’t even talk anymore because it ends up a fight
2. Lack of intimacy and becoming more ‘house’ mates
3. Cheating, not a one time event, several is a concern to be addressed
4. Disagree on the big things like does the sauce go in the fridge or cupboard? No, I mean like having kids. You can get two sauces, but you can’t have kids and not have kids.
5. You find yourself putting less and less time into your relationship — or one of you is
6. Finances — eek! Mine, ours, yours. Arguing over who’s turn it is to pay, fast track to an expensive divorce you will both pay for in many ways. Agree on what you both contribute and how and what you keep for yourselves.
7. Lack of respect for each other’s values — you know those 25% that are just yours and yours alone. Respect that you and your partner have things they need to do on their own. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, in fact, its probably one of the reasons why you fell in love with them in the first place :)
So my final ( and probably my fav ) tip of the 3. Connection, chemistry and communication…
The A-Z of dating.
Even if you are married, you are still dating, just dating differently. This is how it works.
1. Toss a coin. Heads, you are A, tails you are B.
2. So, if you are A, you then need to pick a time you both can do this — at least once a month, if not weekly, and
3. Find something to do that begins with ‘A’ — doesn’t have to be expensive, can be free even. Something you can both do together. I always use a mix of that I feel my partner would like and what I would like and what we could potentially like together. New for both of us. ( add a level of challenge for the isolationship and do things that are inside your home or online, get creative. Maybe even ask your partner to help you plan your letter — might bring you even closer together by asking for help.
4. Why not take a photo of each of them and add them to an album, intagram or pintrist etc so you can look back on the memories J
A: Aperol Spritz, Acoustic, Action hehe, Apples, ( make something with apples, or going to the market to find some, or pick some) Afternoon tea, Astrology, Aromatherapy, Art, Auction, Audiobook, Archery — (not recommended for indoors)
B: Bake, Bakery, Ballet, Balloon Ride, Band, Barista. Barre Class, Baseball, BBQ, Bed and Breakfast, Belly Dance,. Berry Pick, Bike, Bingo, Books, Bowling, Boxing, Breakfast, Brew Your Own Beer, (Boozey) Brunch, Bubble Bath.
Ps remember we love hearing what you tried and why and what your experience was. Message, video, pics, whatever! https://www.facebook.com/breakupbrilliant
Want more help? ‘HELP ME/US’ https://calendly.com/breakupbrilliant make a time, turn up at that time, and I will be there on the other end for you, or for both of you.
‘Leave who you want to be and be with’….