My Treatment For the Long Awaited Sequel to the 1996 classic: Space Jam.

I’ve written a lot of odd things over the years but mostly kept them to myself. Arguably for good reason. But my resolution has been to put my writing out there for people to read. I don’t remember why I wrote this but I really want to say it was for a dating site of all things. Whatever the inspiration, here it is for your reading

Space Jam 2: Solar Derby.

Starring Michael Jordan, the Looney Tunes, Bryan Cranston, Bill Murray, Morgan Freeman, Sir Alec Guinness (Courtesy of stock footage), the original cast of Babe 2: Pig in the City, Meryl Streep and The Muppets.

After spending ten years convincing himself that he’d suffered a mental breakdown and just imagined the events of the first film, Michael Jordon finds himself reunited with Bugs and the gang to face an even greater challenge. One that threatens everything they hold dear.

Our lovable heroes will square off against a cast of the greatest extraterrestrials to ever grace the silver screen. Alf, ET, Alien, Predator, random background puppets from Men in Black, Mork from Ork, The Great Gazoo, Gonzo, and many more. These mischievous Martians have joined together to form a galactic alliance who’s sole focus is the complete annihilation of the earth and the extinction of the human race.

But this time it won’t be decided by a game of basketball. Nope, this time all your favorite characters are going to be strapping on the roller skates and coming up with aggressively sexualized pun nicknames because the fate of humanity is about to be decided, with a game of Roller Derby. But in Space. A Solar Derby. In space.

And here’s the twist of Space Jam 2: Solar Derby. The aliens win. This one is a little darker. It’ll have to be edited if it wants to hit that R rating, but I refuse to sacrifice my artistic vision for the whims of the philistines out there who can’t handle a serious art house movie like Space Jam 2: Solar Derby.

This isn’t your mom’s Space Jam. This ones edgier. Grittier. Much more shocking. This movie doesn’t pull any punches. This is a story about real loss and pain told half live action and half animated.

It’ll be like Game of Thrones but with a lot more character deaths. Just a constant stream of the most beloved children’s characters and celebrities being killed in the most horrific and disturbing ways imaginable. Every time you start to care for one of them, they are only seconds away from their gruesome end. Throughout it’s three and a half hour running time, the entire cast dwindles until only Jordan, Cranston, Santa Claus and Foghorn Leghorn remain on Earth’s team.

So Bryan Cranston and Foghorn Leghorn have this powerful, heartbreakingly emotional and agonizingly raw scene together which culminates in a Romeo and Juliet style suicide pact leaving Jordan alone against the alien menace. This really cements the movie’s recurring theme that life is meaningless and we’re all just dead men running out the clock until everything and everyone we love is gone.

Cranston and Leghorn are nominated for best actor by the way. Leghorn takes it though and it’s a milestone because it’s the first time both an animal and a fictional character have been awarded acting’s highest honor.

Basically Space Jam 2: Solar Derby is a post modern, nihilistic story of a small group of misfits fighting a losing battle against forces they cannot hope to overcome. The movie ends with Jordan and Santa accepting their fates and hurling themselves into the sun in a scene that echoes that moment in Toy Story 3 when the toys all link hands as they’re being pulled to their fiery doom.

Fade to black. Credits roll. “I Believe I Can Fly” plays over a wacky blooper reel. In an after credits scene is the earth erupting into a cataclysmic ball of fire while the disembodied voice of Porky Pig says “That’s all folks.” And then the Looney Tunes theme plays one final time. The end. Nothing left to do but try and put the shattered remnants of your once happy family back together.

Space Jam 2: Solar Derby. Soon to be the number one movie of the year for over a century.