Do Women Enjoy Sex?

DO women enjoy sex?

Put so bluntly, the question seems absurd. Of course they do! There are exceptions to every rule but it is safe to imagine that most people enjoy having sex. We know this.

So why do so many guys have this idea in their heads that women don’t get anything out of the act?

I didn’t really give much thought to this phenomenon until recently, upon hearing Pete Holmes speak about it on his Podcast ‘You Made it Weird.’ He talked about how he had spent a lot of his life thinking that sex was something that men enjoyed and women merely put up with. That may sound odd to many of the women reading, but as I searched my own feelings on the subject I came to the realization that somewhere deep inside I had spent much of MY life feeling that way as well. What’s worse is that I believe most men feel this way due to a lifetime of subtle reinforcement from TV shows, commercials, movies, and the actions of other people who have the same feelings whether they realize it or not.

It might not seem like a huge deal to some people but it’s harmful in many ways. I’d like to spend a bit of time discussing just a few of those ways.

First of all, it dehumanizes women. ‘Whoa whoa whoa,’ a lot of guys are saying. ‘It’s not dehumanizing, we just think ladies are better than that! They are above their baser impulses and we aren’t! It’s basically a complement.’ I understand how some guys get here, but it’s still wrong. You are either saying that a person is missing basic human impulses (which is making someone out as less-than-human) or that they are supposedly greater than that which creates an impossible standard to live up to. There’s no upside.

The bizarre feeling that women get nothing out of sex has also created a strange prostitution culture that many people are unwilling (or simply unknowing) participants in. Take Valentines’ Day as an extreme example, but you can see it on a smaller scale everytime you see an advertisement for jewelry or flowers, typical ‘romantic’ gifts. We’ve created an expectation that on Valentines’ Day a guy will get his special lady some expensive gift, like a diamond bracelet or ten-dozen roses. In return, he gets…well the commercials and billboards are rarely specific but the implication is clear. Cut out the middleman and you are left with ‘man spends money, gets sex.’ It’s bad enough that many women feel they owe a man something sexual in exchange for a gift, but it also reinforces the idea that women require that gift because the sex does nothing for them.

Once a guy has it in his head that he has ‘paid’ for the sex (through the giving of a gift) what incentive does he have to be attentive to the needs of the woman he is with? A man who believes that a woman is merely paying up or doing him a favor won’t be looking for ways to make sure the woman is having a good time or having her needs fulfilled. If a woman doesn’t enjoy sex then she certainly has no preferences or requirements. She is just there long enough for the guy to do his thing and then she can get back to whatever other things she actually wants to do.

A woman who never wants to have sex is a prude while a woman who always wants to have sex is a slut. It’s trite but true. The ‘ideal’ woman our society has created is one who doesn’t want to have sex all the time but who is never witholding. She is willing when a guy is interested, but only if he has given her a reason to be. She never initiates, and if she does it should be viewed with suspicion. How many times have you seen a show where a couple finishes having sex and the man makes some comment like “What did you buy?” “What do you want?” “How much is that gonna cost me?” All reinforcing the idea that the woman didn’t enjoy herself and couldn’t possibly have been interested in having sex for the same reasons the guy was.

There are probably tons of other ways that this sort of thinking negatively effects how we view women and their relationship to sex, as well as how we view the romantic relationships that we are in. If you are a guy, just take a few minutes sometime to really think about whether deep down you have the feeling that a woman is doing you a favor when you have sex. Accept the idea that a woman is no more and no less than a human being. Realize that she doesn’t owe you sex in exchange for a gift you purchase, and that she enjoys having sex as much as you do. Spend some time talking about what you each enjoy and what will create a good experience for both people.

And surprise surprise: when you spend some time making sure her needs are met because you truly see her as a sexual creature instead of as someone who is just putting up with your weird quirks, you might find that you spend more time actually having great sex. No gifts required.