Deported From Cuba On Facebook

I pretended to be kicked out of Cuba. It started as so many of the debacles I’ve enjoyed do as a whim. I was having Lunch with Lou Is Real in Santa Monica after a week in Vegas with a leggy funny woman who tasted like lavender. Louis and I ate,laughed, smoked and wandered. Across the street we saw the garage in the above picture. Lou took the photo and said “You look like your in Cuba”. That was it, one silly comment after an Iphone photo and I was off to the races. I did a quick google search and posted “Just landed at Jose Marti Aueropuerto Internacional. Can’t believe I am in Cuba.” Lou laughed and was of the opinion people wouldn’t buy it. We wagered parted and I had an afternoon nap. I woke up to a text from Lou “I owe you twenty bucks ! hook, line and sinker.” Having just woken I didn’t make the connection, once pissing I began to laugh. I checked my phone,well wishers,people with questions about “what the fuck I was doing in Cuba”, Cousins that knew I was full of shit and out of my mind.

So many people concerned there was only one thing to do make it worse. Having fooled so many I could not help upping the ante. I had posted earlier about being nervous about performing at El Teatro Nacional De Cuba. Shortly there after I posted “Being asked to leave Cuba by the people driving me to the airport.” It was so absurd I didn’t consider people would continue to be hoodwinked. Plenty of people were not fooled. I didn’t fool everyone that’s for certain. However those who knew I was kidding sent me messages and then at times played along. Willing co conspirators. The people who did get fooled, really did buy all the way in. I had requests for interviews, all podcasts. None the less. I had requests for interviews. The next update read “Being flown to Bogota against my will”. This is not only a breach of Facebook etiquette it’s also inconsiderate, at least that’s one of the things I’ve been told about it. Most of the people that had kept the joke going for me were only fb friends,any family or close friends that got in touch I let in on the joke. I wasn’t a monster. I was a giddy jackass in the land of legalized hydroponic marijuana. I should sue the state. One message from somebody I am not going to name said “ I know somebody in the state department, call me.” to which I had to respond and I am paraphrasing here “This is some grandiose bullshit I made up for my own amusement, forgive me if I upset you.” Some facebook relationships cannot survive the chasm between I know someone at the State Dept. and I am only pretending to be in Cuba. This is one of the many lessons I have learned from the electronic mirage.

I flew back to NY. It was a nightmare, an odyssey of uniquely American ignorance and indifference that had lead me to hate all of humanity in a dirty cab in Queens. I got home fell into my bed and three hours later my phone rang. It was Jeff Norris. He had been making an appearance on the Artie Lange Show and they towed his car he needed a place to crash. Forty five minutes later he was over dressed for the occasion in my living room. “Pal” he said “You have to talk to my wife.” I raised my eyebrows in lieu of a question. “Well I told her the car got towed and I am going to crash over at Joey Gay’s house.” she said “What’s the real story Jeff?, I happen to know for a fact Joey Gay is stuck in Cuba right now !”.

A good friend who had moved out of state called genuinely pissed I was ducking his call to appear on his show. I didn’t have the heart to bullshit him for an hour. A week later my Mother got a call from an Aunt who had been praying for my safe return. Ten minutes later I was opening the screen on my Mothers home. She pulled open the front door in a tizzy and in a speedy Irish brogue asked “ Jaysus Christ Jozeph what in the whirled were you doing in Cuba?” It is the gift that keeps on giving. There are still people in my life that think it’s real. It’s one of those stories that has legs, aquaintances on the road will ask “What ever happened with that Cuba thing?”

Life after two thousand and five has been a non stop marketing campaign for peoples lives. Photos are paramount. Instagram,twitter,facebook,reddit these are our cultures Gods. If you can become important to the Gods you can indulge in all things mortal. I saw an opportunity to make a sacrifice to the Gods. It also appeals to the child in me. It is a fantastic way to tell lies.