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I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Pennywise Administration

John Birmingham
Sep 6, 2018 · 4 min read
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“I work for the horror clown in chief but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.”

Sept. 5, 2018
The Boob is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous column. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior official in the Pennywise administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers who may not have noticed that an evil horror clown has occupied the White House and is luring children into the sewers under Pennsylvania Avenue.

Pennywise the Clown is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader.

It’s not just that a rag tag band of intrepid kids has bravely entered his lair looking to confront him — he’ll almost certainly eat them all — or that the country is bitterly divided over Mr. Clown’s leadership.

The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate his darkest schemes.

I should know. I am one of them.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the left. We want this evil administration to succeed and think that many of its policies have already made America the ravaged hellscape we all so fervently hoped for.

But we believe our first duty is to self preservation, and the president continues to act in a manner that imperils us all. Not you. Us!

That is why many Pennywise minions have vowed to do what we can to preserve our lives while thwarting Mr. Clown’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office or he finds the launch codes that General Kelly hid from him and silent white light fills the world to consume the righteous and unrighteous alike in holy fire.

The root of the problem is that the president is an evil horror clown. To be honest this came as a surprise, most especially to the hardened professionals among us. Who’d have thought he was actually deeply principled? But anyone who works with him now knows he truly is moored to those first principles on which he ran. Destroying everything and eating lots of children.

Although he was elected as a Republican, we were still like, wow, seriously? Did you need to pull the arms right off of poor Reince like that?

Don’t get me wrong. There are bright spots that the near-ceaseless negative coverage of the administration fails to capture: unexplained tragedies and child disappearances are way up, and the fountain of blood in the Rose Garden is lovely.

But these successes have come despite — not because of — the president’s leadership style, which is frankly terrifying the closer you get to it.

From the White House to executive branch departments and agencies, senior officials will privately admit their daily fear and loathing of the commander in chief’s comments and actions. Especially all the dismemberment. Nobody likes the dismemberment.

Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in repetitive rants about ‘those damn kids’, and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back. Unless he’s pulled someone’s legs off because the arms weren’t enough for him. Things get messy then, I can tell you.

“There is literally no telling whose arms he’s going to pull off next,” a top official complained to me recently, exasperated by an Oval Office meeting at which the president tore the arms off the Attorney General and all but beat him to death them screaming, “Recuse yourself from this, you retard.”

This erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the White House. Some of his minions have been cast as villains by the media. But in private, we have gone to great lengths to keep bad decisions and severed limbs contained to the West Wing, though clearly we are not always successful.

It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but Americans should know we fully recognize what is happening and we are trying to do what’s right even when Pennywise won’t.

The result is a two-track presidency.

Take foreign policy: In public and in private, President Clown shows a preference for autocrats, dictators and winged demons covered in suppurating boils.

Astute observers have noted, though, that the rest of the administration is operating on another track, one where winged demons are called out for meddling in human affairs and warned to be very careful unless they want to get into a lot of trouble.

Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the cabinet of invoking the 25th Amendment, or perhaps getting in an exorcist or demon hunter. But to be honest that’s pretty scary. What if he caught us? So we will do what we can to steer the administration in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s over.

Hopefully those kids who are supposed to save us all will get here soon.

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