JCVD Tried To Seduce My Girlfriend In The Most JCVD Way Possible

Jean Claude Van Damme is in the club, surrounded by attractive women of all nationalities. I’m not surprised. I grew up watching Kickboxer, Lionheart and Universal Soldier, so he’ll always be a superstar in my book.

The club, Dragon-i, is an infamous restaurant and nightclub in Hong Kong, owned by the son of a reputed gangster. It’s popular with locals and expats, especially investment bankers. The guy who owns it also owns one of Hong Kong’s largest modeling agencies, so Wednesday is Models Night — where all of his (mostly Eastern European) girls can eat and drink for free. It’s a genius way of packing a club on a school night. How much food is a model really going to eat? And how much is she going to drink before some douchey banker starts buying the drinks for her?

That’s why expat bankers love it so much; it’s a rarity in Asia to find a steady supply of single, transient, white girls. I have friends who regularly go there on a Wednesday and pick up girls with, “Wanna go to Bali this weekend?”

It s also the go-to spot for visiting celebrities and sports starts — Brett Ratner, Dr. Dre, Harvey Weinstein, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, etc. So we’d go see a Rihanna or Coldplay concert, or watch David Beckham play an LA Galaxy match, and then run into them later that night at Dragon-i just hanging out.

I’d go there with my friends, clients, and colleagues at least two or three times a week. They also have perfect bathrooms for doing blow, which can be convenient. Although I was once stopped and frisked by a bouncer for using one of the dedicated stalls too many times in a night. “Dude, take your hands off me. It’s the fucking chicken vindaloo I had for dinner.”

When my girlfriend spots Jean Claude Van Damme on the other side of the club, she’s excited, and (almost ironically) determined to have her picture taken with him. It’s JCVD. It’s hilarious. So, after building up some liquid courage, she decides to head over.

“Are you Jean Claude Van Damme?”

He nods, reaches out to shake hands, and immediately winces in pain. “Sorry. Some girl wanted a picture of my dick so I took a Viagra first and then went to the bathroom to take a pic with her phone. That was like twenty minutes ago, and now my jeans are so fucking tight that it hurts.”

Before she can even ask for a photo, this little Asian girl comes charging up to the table, gives my girlfriend the death stare, and pulls Van Damme by the arm. “If you want to fuck me, we must leave now.” She doesn’t even wait for a response. “If you wanna fuck, we leave now.”

Van Damme gets up, looks at my girlfriend, and shrugs as if to say, “Whaddya gonna do?” Then, as he is being led away, he turns back and looks her up and down.

Presumably thinking she’s just another groupie, he shouts back, “You can call me tomorrow if you want. I’m at The Four Seasons. I am staying under the name: Jean. Claude. Van. Damme.”

John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator on Twitter, and the author of the New York Times Bestseller, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals

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