There’s no shortage of people ready to dispense dating advice. Most of them talk about how great they are at seducing and picking up women. Well, I’m the opposite; I sucked at it.
Back when I was dating, I was also drinking as a hobby, so I’d typically cock block myself. Some of the dates worked out great. Some were a disaster. And others, I have no idea.
As a result, I’ve been on many first dates. So while I can’t tell you how to get girls or give relationship advice, I can offer infinite wisdom on vetting and mastering the first date:
- Take her some place nice, but not so fancy that her menu doesn’t have prices on it. She should know.
- If it’s a French restaurant, look up the menu online beforehand and practice pronouncing the names of the dishes. Play it cool.
- Japanese is also a good option. Saké is like a legal roofie* and if she’s good with chopsticks, you’ll know she wasn’t raised in a barn.
- Skip the movies; it’s a waste of two hours. Besides, you’ve got unlimited movies back at your place.
- If it’s a blind date, arrange to meet at a crowded bar, and ask her what she’s wearing. That way, you can check her out before committing.
- If her Instagram profile says “For booking information,” you’re definitely getting laid, maybe even in the bathroom.
- If LinkedIn says that she viewed your profile, you’re probably not getting laid, unless of course, your résumé looks like mine.
- If it’s a week day, make time to shower and change so she knows you are in control of your own work schedule. And that you’re clean and fresh.
- Keep it simple and dress down. She’s met too many guys in a “going out” shirt.
- No khakis and no fleece vests. And no fucking Vineyard Vines.
- If she has a cracked iPhone screen and a Michael Kors bag, don’t give her your real name, but definitely plan on getting laid.
- If she’s Italian and you’re looking for something long term, check out her ankles and then ask to see a picture of her mother.
- Be overly nice to the waitstaff. Or better yet, take her to a place where they know you.
- If she’s drinking light beer, switch to Bud Light Platinum. It’s got 2% more alcohol, which could factor in later.
- Make a point of not looking at your phone. Keep filling her up with booze and you can check it when she’s in the bathroom.
- If it’s a group setting and you’re not into her, stick with it. Your performance is being monitored, so use the stage to line up future prospects.
- And if she has hot friends, don’t set them up with your buddies. Save them as a backup (See above).
- It’s not going to kill you to pretend to be a democrat for a few hours.
- But, if she mentions Russia, toxic masculinity, or white privilege, order a really nice bottle of wine. Drink most of it, politely excuse yourself for the bathroom, and then get the fuck out of there. She already hates men anyway.
- If you think you might want a second date and really want to get to know her, just ask about her first pet or favorite teacher. Then read all of her emails later.
* Shut up about consent. Satire is an IQ test
John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator on Twitter, and the author of the New York Times bestseller, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals.