Mastering the First Date

John LeFevre
Dec 12, 2015 · 3 min read

There’s no shortage of people ready to dispense dating advice. Most of them talk about how great they are at seducing and picking up women. Well, I’m the opposite; I sucked at it.

Back when I was dating, I was also drinking as a hobby, so I’d typically cock block myself. Some of the dates worked out great. Some were a disaster. And others, I have no idea.

As a result, I’ve been on many first dates. So while I can’t tell you how to get girls or give relationship advice, I can offer infinite wisdom on vetting and mastering the first date:

  1. Take her some place nice, but not so fancy that her menu doesn’t have prices on it. She should know.
  2. If it’s a French restaurant, look up the menu online beforehand and practice pronouncing the names of the dishes. Play it cool.
  3. Japanese is also a good option. Saké is like a legal roofie* and if she’s good with chopsticks, you’ll know she wasn’t raised in a barn.
  4. Skip the movies; it’s a waste of two hours. Besides, you’ve got unlimited movies back at your place.
  5. If it’s a blind date, arrange to meet at a crowded bar, and ask her what she’s wearing. That way, you can check her out before committing.
  6. If her Instagram profile says “For booking information,” you’re definitely getting laid, maybe even in the bathroom.
  7. If LinkedIn says that she viewed your profile, you’re probably not getting laid, unless of course, your résumé looks like mine.
  8. If it’s a week day, make time to shower and change so she knows you are in control of your own work schedule. And that you’re clean and fresh.
  9. Keep it simple and dress down. She’s met too many guys in a “going out” shirt.
  10. No khakis and no fleece vests. And no fucking Vineyard Vines.
  11. If she has a cracked iPhone screen and a Michael Kors bag, don’t give her your real name, but definitely plan on getting laid.
  12. If she’s Italian and you’re looking for something long term, check out her ankles and then ask to see a picture of her mother.
  13. Be overly nice to the waitstaff. Or better yet, take her to a place where they know you.
  14. If she’s drinking light beer, switch to Bud Light Platinum. It’s got 2% more alcohol, which could factor in later.
  15. Make a point of not looking at your phone. Keep filling her up with booze and you can check it when she’s in the bathroom.
  16. If it’s a group setting and you’re not into her, stick with it. Your performance is being monitored, so use the stage to line up future prospects.
  17. And if she has hot friends, don’t set them up with your buddies. Save them as a backup (See above).
  18. It’s not going to kill you to pretend to be a democrat for a few hours.
  19. But, if she mentions Russia, toxic masculinity, or white privilege, order a really nice bottle of wine. Drink most of it, politely excuse yourself for the bathroom, and then get the fuck out of there. She already hates men anyway.
  20. If you think you might want a second date and really want to get to know her, just ask about her first pet or favorite teacher. Then read all of her emails later.

* Shut up about consent. Satire is an IQ test

John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator on Twitter, and the author of the New York Times bestseller, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals.

John LeFevre

Written by

Signed contracts with Goldman Sachs and Simon & Schuster, and paid lawyers more than I made. Author of STRAIGHT TO HELL (not about @gselevator or Goldman Sachs)

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