Hottest video game characters of 1997 vs 2019 (An open letter to Anti-Pope Francis the Inept)

John Ploskina
Jun 24 · 7 min read

Editor’s Note: John Ploskina doesn’t have an editor. I write and edit all this bullshit myself. If you think that’s a bad idea, please suggest that InfoWars, Breitbart, the Washington Post or Foreign Policy edit me in exchange for them paying me money. Use the contact forms on their websites. Netflix may also be interested in my science-fiction novels. Did you know that books exist? Netflix told me I haven’t sold enough of them. Remind them that television sells books.

Why are there some religions “cults” that that need to be stamped out by force of law, while others are so awe inspiring that they are RELIGIONS that need to be talked about with VERY SERIOUS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Why did I use bold and italics? For emphasis. Because Christians seem to think that if they add emphasis to words I should care about their arguments more. Try to argue with anything in this (or in any of my articles) without sounding like my Mother when she’s angry.

Me: “Why do Muslims wear silly hats?”


Muslim headgear. “Silly?” Is she making a serious face or a funny face? As a comedian, am I allowed to notice?

That didn’t happen very much growing up. I was allowed to ask all kinds of questions about other people’s religions.

No fun! I can just read books about other religions. The goal was to make old people with very serious facial express get very angry. That’s when they’re funny instead of scary.

“Why do I have to wear a shirt and tie at Mass?”


This dialog was more commonly heard at my house because I’m a Catholic with a Jewish ancestor who later converted to Atheist Islam. This makes me invincible in all religious arguments because I’m all three major Levantine religions in one go. I also don’t believe in God. That means I win because science is like an OP magic spell that defeats religion every single time.

It’s hard to argue with this way of thinking, as my parents, teachers and the Church quickly discovered.

I use bold and italics for emphasis when I quote my Mother or other Authority figures because questions about the way I dress for Mass were… unlike Muslim headgear… not to be mocked.

This is what I call the Hypocrisy of Organized Religion. I’m not very Catholic. Everything is to be mocked.

For a more extreme version of this, let’s examine the most Catholic person alive. The Pope. I have to wear a button-down shirt and a tie for Mass because it’s all business for me. I’m part of the Laity. I’m not sure what that means… but the Pope is like the King of Catholics. He’s the Vicar of Christ on Earth. He’s Lord of the Clergy. He’s our Sauron. The Vatican is our Mordor.

What does he wear to Mass? What is he doing to conquer the Elves?

Pope Pius VIII.

All I had to do was look at a picture like this and all arguments about what I had to wear to Mass were irrelevant.

“Holy shit! At least I’m not the Pope! Does he have to wear all those fancy clothes to Mass every week?”

“That’s OUR religion!”

Was it?

Why does anyone tell anyone else they should wear a costume like Pope Pius VIII? Why should I listen to anything he said instead of playing Final Fantasy VII while listening to Megadeth? My mother didn’t have a good argument for this in 1997 and nobody has a good argument for this today.

Does that costume look “good?” I realize it’s a tradition that’s thousands of years old… but that’s not a good reason why I should dress in a completely different set of clothes in a similar building. Did Jesus dress that way? Did Jesus listen to Catholic hymns? Does it mention that in the Bible?

If Pope Pius VII told my mother to jump off a bridge… would she do it? Is that healthy behavior for an adult?

Because of Priests, used car salesmen and politicians I associate all fancy clothes that are uncomfortable and ugly with lies, hypocrisy, avarice and greed. Because of my observations of history and current events, I associate religion and politics with same.

Why do we need both? The Founding Fathers of These United States didn’t think so. They didn’t need fancy hats to tell anyone anything. They pretty much invented the idea of Separation of Church and State.

The President of the United States doesn’t have to wear any fancy hats. He wears a button down shirt, a tie and usually, but not always, a jacket of some kind. It’s not that much worse than me at Mass, but he has way more power than me OR the current Pope. I think. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

No fancy hats. The costumes aren’t that fancy. Imperfect men leading an imperfect system. None of them claim to be God. This is a step forward for humankind in every conceivable way.

That was over 20 years ago. I felt lucky that my parents didn’t seem to notice that I was reading Gerald’s Game at the same time I was playing Final Fantasy VII. When 50 Shades of Gray came out in 2011, my Mother was SHOCKED.

Gerald’s Game is a Stephen King novel that explores similar themes. I read it before I lost my virginity and before I played Final Fantasy VII. I don’t know what my mother was so shocked by in 50 Shades of Grey. She clearly understood human sexuality better than I did in the mid ‘90s… right?

She’d had sex at least one time by then… right? She noticed I was reading Gerald’s Game… so why did she think I didn’t know what bondage is in 2011?

So now… in 2019… everyone is excited about a remake of Final Fantasy VII. I’m not, because that game hasn’t aged well at all. It was only interesting because of the writing and the unique, turn based mechanics. No one wants to play a simple turn-based RPG anymore. FFVII was competing with games like Tekken 3 for story and both had already been handily defeated by Chrono Trigger and FFVI.

Why do we need a remake of FFVII instead of just remaking Chrono Trigger with better graphics?

The FFVII battle mechanics will either be “TOTALLY DIFFERENT!” or “MOSTLY THE SAME!” They won’t be as good as FFVII at capturing that FFVII feel and they won’t be as good as Chrono Trigger at being better than FFVII.

What are people arguing about on the Internet?

Would Jesus have needed this article? Trick question! He was probably illiterate.

I don’t know what Square Enix has to say about all this… but all you have to do is put this picture side by side with a picture of Tifa Lockhart from the original FFVII game and you will understand.

The updated Tifa character design is more realistic in every way. Why is anyone looking at her breasts at all? Why aren’t they asking about the artists or programmers who implemented the rendering engine? Did anyone love Tifa any less in 1997 because of her looks? Wasn’t it her personality that drove our infatuation for her? Didn’t anyone notice that Lucca Ashtear from Chrono Trigger was the hottest chick in the world in 1995?

In a world where pornography is free and readily accessible… why does anyone care what a video game character’s tits look like?

The hottest video game character of 1995 — the present day, IMHO. I prefer smart women.

Can Pope Francis answer this question? Can he ask Jesus for an answer directly, or would he just read something written by Pope Pius VIII and try to pass off something similar as his own ideas?

Did he ever read the Spanish translation of Gerald’s Game? What about the Latin version of 50 Shades of Grey?

I was born Catholic, but with Jewish DNA. I left the United States to get away from a white Catholic who had fallen from the Faith and become a Protestant. It was partially…. I think… because I fell in love with a black girl… who rejected me partially because I was Catholic. Seriously.

That was why I left these United States to be rejected by Doris Yeh at a Death Metal show on the outskirts of Taipei.

People told me I should write about my life more, but this blog is a distraction from finishing my next novel or my next YouTube video. Those are two things I’d rather be doing than writing this blog.

This is why I want to debate the Pope and/or the Muslim Pope equivilent. Preferably both of them. The topic would be secular ethics. I’m supposed to need either Jesus or Mohammed or somebody to tell me not to rape and kill. I don’t rape and kill because I don’t want to. I didn’t need to be told it once a week for the rest of my life. Thanks!

I want to debate Stefan Molyneux too, and Donald Trump too. I might have more interesting things to debate them about, that’s why I talk about religion in the political off-season.

I want to debate everyone who has one or more bad ideas.

It’s everyone but me.

All of you.

Why would someone make this on purpose? Akira Toriyama is better at world building than the Logos. Answer that and Stay Fashionable, Jordan Peterson!
John Ploskina

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Philosopher, author, musician