stream of consciousness

lately there’s been a lot running through my mind and heart. Life is changing again pretty quickly, and that’s fine. Do you ever just feel tossed?

It’s hot in your guts; I’m going to grip to the rail.

Ephesians 4 reads (KJV right now):

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers,

for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ,

‘till we all come to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ;

that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness or deceitful plotting,

but, by speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head — Christ —

… “

Joined in the unity of faith. Community; strength. No longer children.

I’ve had an itching to get out. There are lots of things that I’ve been thinking, and this post is mostly just so I can write it down and see visually everything that’s going on.

There’s a part of me that feels obligated to be dangerous, to live by faith. To embrace the masculine soul; to step out, and do crazy things for the Kingdom.

There’s a part of me that screams laziness and embraces a softer life.

A few weeks ago, I was on top of a mountain watching a thunderstorm form in the mountains in front of me. The Holy Spirit very vividly told me to take off my shoes and feel the dirt beneath my feet.

I’m dating now. A part of me feels obligated to fit into the role of what that looks like — even if the role is skewed.

Part of me feels obligated to be the knight that sacrifices his life for the maiden.

Part of me feels obligated to devote my entire body, heart, and mind to God.

Part of me wants to invest my entire being into my work.

A huge part of me wants to move away to somewhere distant and remote, have a dog, and hunt for food. To walk away from this place called South Carolina and leave it all behind. Every bad memory, soiled relationship; to leave the people that dislike me, have it out for me. Because there are those.

A part of me wants to stay and be very present here. Wants to visit my family and cultivate relationships that for a lifetime have been tested and hurt.

A part of me wants to quit and start over.

And there’s just so much of me.

Thinking about it this morning, I think I came to a few conclusions.

I think what’s actually going on is something of an overload. This summer I learned a lot about independence and what that means spiritually, manhood, and community. This summer I laughed until my sides hurt and cried like a baby. And it was good.

I’m back here now, and I think it’s driving me crazy. But why?

It’s this. Along with all the learning, reading, studying, talking, soaking, and growing that went on; things get complicated.

There is an intellectual knowing of what you are, who you are, and who you need and want to be.

You begin to learn about how God operates and who He is and you begin to turn to the Bible to learn more about how He works.

You know what role you’re supposed to take and you have a rough idea of what that looks like.

And through all that, your soul screams.

It yearns for simplicity. For honest communion with our Lord.

It yearns for spending a week in a tent next to a rushing river without any cell phone service.

It yearns for hard manual labor and sweet moments with people you love.

There’s so much going on. So much learning. And I — I’m screaming.

What I genuinely want and will pursue is to simply grow close to my Creator. To let that be it. THAT’S IT. Simplicity. Everything else is subsequent.

“ten ways to better be a Christian Man”. No thanks.

I’ll become a better Christian man by being in constant conversation with my Lord. I’ll find my wild side and strength in Him.

I’ll find my drive in Him.

It’s simple, and it needs to stay that way.

EDIT:

IT’S NOT ABOUT TRYING TO BE. IT’S ABOUT BECOMING. We don’t have to take on the characteristics of what we’re supposed to be, we aren’t supposed to act out what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to become who we’re supposed to be — we’re supposed to become the type of person that does what we do.

I WANT TO STOP TRYING AND START LIVING. Praying the same for all of you.

I don’t know if any of this made very much sense to anybody. I don’t know if a single person is going to read this. I’m not crazy, I promise. I’m just so hungry for truth and my Creator.

Stop trying to have the soul you know you’re supposed to have. Get that soul from our Lord. Stop confusing the Lord’s work with your own doing.

That’s it, man. That’s it. It’s so easy to try to do for yourself something that our God needs to do for us. Like change us; change our souls.

We are incapable and it drives me crazy. But it shows me just how seriously I need God. Every single breath, man. It’s all His. It’s all a blessing to me.

EDIT 2:

There is no fear here. No anxiety. It’s nervous excitement. He is good, y’all.

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