SPLATENDO: Splatoon 2 is the most Nintendo game ever

John Wilds
Aug 28, 2017 · 8 min read

Splatoon 2 is the second release in the now iconic squid/ kid series and my first foray into Inky Armageddon. It’s both utterly genius and entirely backwards, the kind of filet mignon covered in hot sick combo that only Nintendo could produce.

When you enter the main hub of Splatoon 2 you’re bombarded with the kind of visual design that’s usually reserved for the Disneys and Gilblis of this world. Inkopolis Square is an artful combination of Shibuya Crossing and Akihabara, complete with lashings of fake graffiti, giant screens and gordy advertising hoardings. There’s a food truck, clothes stores, a nightclub and even one of those little back alley pachinko trading kiosks that we’re not really supposed to talk about. They didn’t just run with a theme here, they beat the shit out of it. And thus created a quirky living world to navigate in space where most developers just choose to make a menu.

However, this world design pales in comparison to that of the characters. The sheer amount of attitude that’s crammed into these squid kids is impeccable. From their squiddy hairstyles (no really, tentacles for hair), to the way their eyes almost constantly look at you as if to say, “you’re right, I am hot shit,” there are few character designs in modern video games that manage to cram so much character into both their male and female icons. Then you get to play dress up, amplifying this shit hot attitude in whatever direction you like, from 90s b-boy to goth kids, fashionista and beyond. I’ve got to admit, I usually hate visual customisation in videogames. I’m not playing a game to be me, I’m playing a game to be a character, so when presented with the option to customise a look, I just click random a few times and get on with it.

BUT FUCK ME I LOVE DRESSING UP THESE STYLISH SQUID KIDS.

I thought this might be because of the sheer quality of the looks, or how well these outfits mesh with the overall aesthetic but looking back, I think because “looking fresh,” is such an integral part of this game’s narrative. Every character you meet is totally obsessed with looking as cool as possible and consequently, so am I.

Talking of characters, on your travels you’ll meet tempura prawns, cats, jellyfish and more, all of which have the kind of pun laden scripting you’ll either love or hate. For me, I thought it was hilarious. Splatoon 2’s writing team pile the jokes on thick in a kind of comic bombardment that’s almost Family Guy levels of a joke being funny, not funny, and then back to being funny again. The Tempura Prawn character is called Crusty Sean and if that doesn’t at least make you snort, you have no sole.

Now, however much of that stuff is cool I wouldn’t go as far as to call it genius. Gameplay is king as far as I’m concerned and with Splatoon 2 Nintendo have once again proved they truly are the masters.

Splatoon 2’s main multiplayer mode, Turf War, has you firing a variety of ink guns to try and cover as much of the map in your colour ink as possible, whilst the opposing team tries to do the same with their ink. Any surface that has your colour ink on it slows down the opposition and also lets you travel through it as a squid at the touch of a button. This ink squid traversal is not only quicker than running, but it also refills your ink ammo and makes you much harder to spot by the enemy team. You’re essentially forging a path by painting surfaces, trying to paint over the enemy team’s ink and then blasting through areas already covered in your ink as a squid. Obviously you can shoot (or splat) the opposition team but all that does is give you more time to paint the area your enemy was previously occupying. It’s crazy, chaotic and fun. The push and pull between taking out enemies who are painting their areas or simply seeking out unpainted portions of the map to cover in your own ink is incredibly addicting. That combined with different ink weapons like a giant paint roller that paints huge straight lines and crushes opponents, there’s actually a surprising amount of depth.

Now I know that is a little complicated, (no really, watch a YouTube video it’s so much clearer), but what you have to admire here is that Nintendo have managed to create a competitive, 3rd person shooter that’s totally accessible and has none of the non-family friendly stuff that comes part and parcel with the genre. No seriously, stop and think about how clever that is. There’s no bullets, no real violence and for at least the game’s premier game mode, you don’t even win by eliminating the other team. This is Mario Kart levels of clever. A few very lateral decisions that mean anyone and everyone can play this game without fear of little Timmy being exposed to blood and guns. (To be fair these days most little Timmy’s have prestiged 6 times on COD and also, at least according to voice chat, “worn your mum like a feedbag”).

This is the kind of thinking that sets Nintendo atop the pile of video game creators. They’ve not only created a very accessible game but they did it whilst creating a series of new mechanics, characters and player options. I’m racking my brain to think of anyone who has come even close to being this smart about making a shooter family friendly. Maybe Plants vs Zombies Garden Warfare? But still, I think the fact that that game’s name is a COD pun kind of shows you who and what they’re going for….

So, I know what you’re asking yourself. John, this sounds like the good shit. Some seriously inventive gameplay all wrapped up with masterful art direction. And it is, at least up until you come up against the myriad of absolutely backwards, frustrating and genuinely enjoyment breaking decisions that make you wonder if Nintendo have ever played Modern Warfare, let alone a modern shooter.

You know how voice chat works in Splatoon 2? You have to use an app on your phone. Yes Nintendo, a company who got fucking voice chat working on the 3DS about 6 trillion years ago, makes you use a phone to talk to your mates. Oh, and that’s just the voice bit by the way. If you want game sound and voice chat mixed together you have to buy an audio splitter that combines the two feeds. A FUCKING SPLITTER. In 2017, on a practically brand new console, you have to sit in a tangle of wires just to get all the sound to come out of one set of headphones. Not to mention that the app has to be open at all times whilst you do it. If you get a notification and want to answer a text, the feed cuts out. It’s so frustrating, so arcane, it’s like Nintendo are asking fans to sign up to Discord. Talking of app based fuckery, you can’t party up or invite friends without the app. My original Xbox handled parties better than this. (Oh and when it comes to parties you aren’t guaranteed to be on the same team, cos you know, reasons).

I could forgive almost all of this if the game wasn’t so intent on making me play it just the way Nintendo wants me too. Playable maps are on a daily rotation, so each multiplayer mode lets you play just two of the game’s multiple maps each day. TWO MAPS. It’s like they want me to get bored. I sit down to play and after about an hour I just loose the will to continue and have to come back tomorrow. I could play Titanfall 2 for three hours on the same mode, easy peasy. Because that game respects my time and attention span enough to know that variety is what keeps people engaged. I honestly can’t see what this does for the player. It feels like artificial extension, Nintendo sneakily trying to cover up that Splatoon 2 isn’t exactly crammed with maps to play on. Not to mention the really fun horde mode style new addition Salmon Run, which sometimes is available to play and others, just not. It’s player retention 101, you should never, ever let one of your customers get to your service excited to do something and it not be there. Especially when the timing of whether you can play or not seems ENTIRELY ARBITRARY. It’s just one more reason for me to turn off the game, one more reason to think hmmm, I could just do a few rounds of Overwatch because I know it isn’t going to fuck me about.

Talking of fucking about, each time you connect your Switch to the internet, you’re greeted with a video featuring two of the main characters telling you which of the maps are available to play that day. It’s totally un-skippable and even though it’s well written, man does it start to drag. I already have this feeling that Splatoon 2 won’t entertain me for long every time I boot it up, I don’t need to start that already apprehensive interaction with a two minutes of frustration. This doesn’t feel like character development, it feels like an un-skippable ad.

And last but by no means least you can’t leave a lobby whilst you are searching for a game and you can’t switch load outs between rounds. The lobby point is sort of forgivable, it’s pretty ancient feeling but maybe you could argue that it helps with unbalanced team issues. What you can’t forgive is not being able to switch load outs. How can a game that already forces me to play the same two maps all day also make it take actual minutes to switch load outs and get back into a game? I’m no video game designer (shocker), but changing load outs between or in game has been present in basically every multiplayer online shooter I’ve ever played. It’s not just great for variety but it’s essential for good team strategy. Without it, it’s a total dice roll how useful your team composition will be. You can’t react to the other team or the swing of the game. You’re just stuck with whatever your team has, regardless of whether that’s in anyway useful or balanced. Sadly, this just ups the feeling of monotony. Same shitty intro, same map, same gun… (In the interest of fairness you can switch load outs between games with an Amiibo. Also in the interest of fairness, fuck you if you think buying a £12 statue is a valid solution to this problem).

In summary, Splatoon 2 is truly very fun to play and may be actual genius in terms of mechanics and visual design. It has the kind of attention to both visual and gameplay detail that so few developers can even come close to. However, it also has a series of decisions that are so obviously not made with the player in mind that they taint every experience you have with the game. It’s presumptuous to the highest degree. It thinks you’ll wait two minutes for the intro to finish, waste three minutes trying to switch load out, buy a splitter to talk to your mates, download an app to party up and that you’ll come back tomorrow and do all that again just to play the rest of the maps that are on the cartridge.

Respect my time Nintendo. Otherwise I’m going to lose respect for you.

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John Wilds

Written by

Shameless video game fan with a penchant for gin, comics and noise. Creatively creating and copywriting for advertising and video games. wordsbywilds.com

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