May 27, 2020For Larry Kramer, Who Taught Me Queer RageWhen I moved to New York at 28 I’d been out of the closet for four entire years, but hadn’t even begun to find my footing. I’d never even had sex with a man, not really. I said it was because I was a charmingly unlucky disaster who couldn’t get…Larry Kramer4 min read
May 13, 2019Foods I Emotionally Ate on Mother’s Day, ReviewedYesterday was the 7th Mother’s Day since my mom iced me for liking dicks more than Jesus and for some reason it was the first one that got me in my feelings. Usually I just make jokes or thank all my surrogate mothers but yesterday I was like “STAHP TWEETING…Food5 min read
Nov 14, 2018On California WildfiresWhen I lived in Los Angeles, I was not well. Traumatized, but didn’t know it, mentally ill, but didn’t know it, on a slow-motion dive into ruin, but didn’t know it. I cried a lot, and was still a child, really, so I did a lot of hiding — which…California5 min read
Jun 8, 2018Thanks, Mr. BourdainI am killing time, walking through the international terminal, when it hits. I go to a window, watch the jets take off and land over the looping freeway interchanges, and sob in a cold panic. I call my best friend, and her voice has that tone it had three years…Travel7 min read
May 10, 2018Last Night’s #RHONY Has Me Dead of Secondhand Embarrassment & I Am Now a Corpse In a Grave: A RecapWell, I had a good run (lol no I didn’t my entire life has been a nightmare but anyway) but I am now a cadaver in a coffin with too much foundation and a bad suit from the Merona section of Target and my lips visibly sewn shut like Madonna’s…Real Housewives12 min read
Mar 15, 2018My Nephew, MyselfIt’s a drab Friday in March, the precise sort of damp, gray bullshit characteristic of the intermission between Midwestern winter and spring, when the text finally arrives. “Heeeey Uncle,” it says, followed by a photo of my little brother Bill in a hospital room holding his newborn son, swaddled up…Parenting7 min read
Mar 2, 2018I Will Be the Arbiter of the #Oscars Thank YouListen, I have spent my entire life worshipping the Oscars but this year I just don’t care. At all. I think it’s probably related to the inescapable and crushing malaise that has us all collectively praying for death, which incidentally will be the overarching theme of whatever “I ❤️ the…Movies12 min read
Dec 25, 2017In Praise of the Solo ChristmasMuch like how Halloween is mostly for children and hot people, Christmas is mostly for children and people in love. Some of us are part of families that like get along and like each other or something (which LOLOLOL Karen that is a myth like the moon landing, I see…Christmas10 min read
Dec 3, 2017It Only Took A YearIt is November 8 about 11:00pm and I am having a panic attack. My roommate had come home from the election party I’d left, and the thought of even being looked at by another human being — even a like-minded one — made my stomach lurch. I couldn’t place the…Mental Health9 min read
Feb 13, 2017Everyone Is Failing at #Resist Except Me, and You Can Too!A Survival Guide for Trump’s America Hoo boy, this shit’s crazy, word?! You know in When Harry Met Sally where Harry’s all “Boy the holidays amirite!” but Sally has plunged into an inescapable nihilism and so she’s just all “A lot of suicides”?Resistance6 min read
