The words my heart is too afraid to say

This isn’t a poem, or a story or any of the other things I write. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s me putting down the words that my heart is too afraid to say. this is a thing, not a poem or a story but just a thing about three men.

The first is a man, a boy really, who loves me but not in the way I think I yearn to be loved. I look into his eyes and I see heaven and everything we could someday be, but my type of love is accompanied with fire and thunderstorms and I’m not ready to be the cause of yet another broken heart. The ghosts of my exes still follow me around, haunting me and my every chance of happiness and so I push him aside, for his own good I constantly tell myself, when in reality I know I am terrified of commitment. I push him aside and wait for a man who I know will break me

The second is a man who I’m beginning to hate, because he is not the god I imagined him to be. I played myself and I placed him on a pedestal higher than the one I placed God and now I’m suffering for my sins. He told me that he ruins everything good in his life and I took it all in stride, blinded my eyes to the signs and stubbornly refused to believe him. In truth, I think I’m just used to being the one doing the ruining. And that’s why it came as a surprise when he hurt me and I felt my heart start to melt. I don’t believe hearts are made of glass, I don’t believe they shatter. Rather, they are like candle wax. they melt only in accordance with the heat of the flame. I think mine began melting at a tender age, because there's precious little left to work with.

The third is a man who has hurt me and who I’ve admittedly hurt as well, repeatedly, over the course of our friendship. and for a long time, I thought it was normal. Because pain is the only thing I trust. happiness is a fleeting emotion, but pain, that at least is constant. But then this summer came and it seemed to me at least, that we became extremely close. At times morphing into the same person. there’s nothing better than having someone who you think will always be there for you. But like I said, only pain is constant. and now we’re worse than strangers, and I’m not mad, only hurt and extremely disappointed. disappointed because I believed in the person I thought he was. Hurt because it’s never easy losing a part of your heart.

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