BREAKING NEWS: UK sells the rectangle to the Chinese
[Source: REUTERS of Cornwall]
While the internet mulls over the impending impact of Triump and Brexit, a far more impactful exit has gone largely unnoticed. Within the last 24 hours Britain’s last remaining wholly owned shape, the rectangle, has been sold to the Chinese billionaire owner of Pizza Express.
It is a loss that has angered traditionalists, schools, universities and even Sir Tim Berners Lee whose invention, the Internet was originally rectangular despite eventually branching out into a non-linear model. He vented his frustration in a rare outburst during a telephone call from his remote, forest home in Cumberland:
‘Setting up a world-changing network to for time-wasting trolls and sinister, porn-grazing loners takes a huge amount of time, so finding the right container for that is all-important when starting out. Without the rectangle I could never have managed to create the internet since initially this once very British box is where all good ideas must start. Thinking outside it was a giant leap and I gained confidence to do so only while my creation was incubated within it. And now it’s gone? Well f**k that.’
~ Sir Tim Berners Lee
The primary shape — the flagship of UK’s geometric real-estate — has nestled firmly in British hands since Archimedes relinquished intellectual property rights to geometry in 212BC, but its shock departure now leaves the UK essentially shapeless and brings to a close rich history in the shape trade. It’s a devastating blow to industry across the nation, the Commonwealth and a few Scots.
The last known image of the British rectangle, taken just days ago on the ‘Wall of Shame’ at Zaha Hadid Architects, East London can be seen here with the shape plainly rested, serene (despite the hostile environment in which it was residing) and with little or no sign of the disorder or rough activity often related to the restless world of geometry markets.
Yet, as this second image shows (taken at 3:30am from CCTV footage from the Enfield Town branch of Rymans) all was not as it seemed. Less than 24 hours later the classic shape had been doused in ‘lucky red’ and spirited away aboard a MAERSK container ship to the Far East in a secret deal that has had the stock market reeling.
Too square to share — a story of rigidity
A stubborn Chinese government and a desperate British one has meant that the Geneva Shape-Share Directive of 2001 (created to deliver a time-share for usage of the rectangle, among others) could not be invoked due to the fact that neither side could agree on time-periods for the split.
The departure of the rectangle is the latest casualty in a geometric sell-out that began in the last century with the triangle, which was sold in 1980 to Bermuda by the then Thatcher government in a deal reported to be worth £70million. Mysteriously, Bermudan diplomats went on to lose it when entering their airspace on the journey home and it was finally found years later washed ashore on Easter Island. It was claimed by an Argentine naturalist and kept in a bank vault while its sovereignty was disputed by no fewer than seven nations for a number of years. Three key points led to an impasse and it was deemed by the United Nations that the triangle had insufficient documentation countersignatures and should be granted world heritage status.
The license for its use is loosely controlled and variants of its famous profile are permitted for free use across the world. The free-license of the 3-cornered shape was the first of its kind and, while rights to Give Way signs were retained by the UK for 10 years. It was the most high-profile shape to leave British shores since the floodgates were opened in 1952 after the passing of the Freedom of Geometry Transit Act. This has permitted the exodus of other exercise book favourites including the square (¥14m to Japan), the octagon (sold to the US tycoon Warren Buffet for £1.50), the hexagon (De Beers, undisclosed sum) and the parallelogram (purchased in 2002 by Honda).
Geometry has been traded on the black market since the 1830s, most notably with the pentagon which was lost to Somali pirates by Charles Darwin in 1943 until it was re-patriated by United Nations Geometry Police following its discovery on the back of a tortoise in Galapagos.
It has emerged that the rectangle’s fate was sealed late last night after talks with the Prime Minister and Angela Merkel over a merger with Germany’s dodecahedron broke down leaving the door open to China for a £14 billion takeover — the most lucrative 4-cornered deal in history. However, despite the record sell-out and immediate prosperity that brings, Britain now resides in the geometric wilderness as the only European nation without a primary shape to its name and ends centuries of mathematical leadership and conialism. The UK now falls into line with third world nations whose only option is expensive shape rentals or workarounds which avoid regular angles or consistent curves or ratios. Many observers expect a lengthy period of misshapen austerity ahead with designers, structural engineers and supermarkets now going back to the drawing board (which itself must now be edited or be subject to royalties).
Britain is now left with joint ownership, alongside the state of Mississippi, of the cone, while the less popular oval operates under Creative Commons license. According to a directive following the 2004 Geo20 summit these once ‘premier’ shapes have been downgraded to ‘superficial’ doodle status, or have been relinquished for extensive use in Microsoft software, with the caveat that they must be used with a gloss gradient, faux 3D bevel and a soft shadow.
The cost of TVs, phones, laptops and car parking is now likely to skyrocket due to new licensing fees, and may even result in the rectangle being banned for public distribution under international copyright law. This will inevitably lead to irregular shaped white goods and food products for British consumers — something that will alarm those who shop at Iceland.
Hobbyist football club manager, Harry Redknapp commented:
“Well it’s ridiculous. We’ve ‘ad this shape in football since day one and now it’s gone — it’ll cost us dear. Typical. Bloody typical. Ticket prices for games will go froo the roof unless we circumvent the copyright with subtle pitch changes such as using a lower case ‘d’, slashing off the corners and making the touch line a bit wavy. It was like that at West Ham anyway for the season of 1999/2000. But if we don’t do summink, I reckon it’s gonna price smaller teams out of the game. It’s a joke — I mean these ministers are Blockheads™. Oh, can’t I say that now without a credit? S**t, I mean f***wits.”
Shaping up for profit?
Is it good business to sell for such a huge sum? The last word goes to Britain’s car industry which already relies heavily on shape imports. A spokesman for Land Rover UK said:
“Vile zis is a short term finanzial gain for ze UK it vill leave Britain in a bit of a hole™. Zay, I mean vee should have pursued a similar biznezz model to our Mini, vhich vee made much, much bigger and more like uzzer cars, like ze Range Rover and Scania juggernaut, viz a really big badge and zuperior, high driving pozition. By making it zo big it vood be in high demand all over ze vurld. Aber now ze UK now has no shape-based assets viz vich to do biznezz in ze vurld and sat iz nicht very goot at all.”
Note: this document was written on Amazon Shapeless White™ using a circular Kindle Lire (available in the UK only at great cost).
The author of this poorly researched piece of tripe is an idiot and should not be regarded as being of sound mind or judgement.