“God bless the potholes on memory lane”
Am I losing my mind, is it normal to have no memory before 40
I used to be able to take procrastination to a whole new level. I’m doing it now, I really should be doing something else. That other thing is quite important and without it I wouldn’t have a house. But for some reason, I am currently more interested in doing this. In a minute I’ll get bored. You’ll be lucky if I even see this article out.
The other day, I was in conversation with my wife and I suddenly wanted to talk about something else….. so I did. I’m not rude and it didn’t even occur to me I was being ignorant, even thinking about it makes me feel thoroughly ashamed. My wife though, didn’t seem to bat an eyelid and went with this new and different direction flawlessly, she didn’t even notice. Seems like she’s used to it. It occurred to me that I’d been doing it a lot recently. More than normal, I am struggling to pay attention to a lot of things that people say too, it’s not that I think that I’m more interesting or anything it just seems nobody is. I know I’m like this after the fact and In my frustration, it’s like I’m losing my temper but I don’t . I keep it all inside and get flustered.
Sometimes I’m given a list of things to get at the shop, I take that list with me and use it. I still forget a couple of items on it. I don’t know why. What in the hell is wrong with me?
The thing I have been doing most though is using the wrong name for things and not noticing it. Like calling my debit card my phone and then carrying on the conversation and only at the end of that conversation- noticing and then trying to correct myself after the fact. Sometimes other people correct me and laugh, like its nothing…. But It’s too late. I’ve noticed. The worst thing is when I struggle for someone’s name. Someone I know well and the conversation stops and I go “err” a lot.
And that’s when I do want to spend time with people. Normally I do what I can to avoid that, I find meeting with an individual uncomfortable and more than two or three people, very stressful. I know my brain isn’t what it was but I’m 38 and I work in Housing at the local government.
I don’t smoke and I drink just over 2 bottles of wine a week or a bottle of bourbon over two weeks. I know this is more than is supposed to be good for me, but from what I understand it doesn’t put me in the realm of “heavy drinker”. Is it connected? Some years ago it used to be a hell of lot more until I met my wife and met someone more interesting than myself and a bottle of wine. I used to smoke too, tobacco and hash, gave up the latter long time ago, the cigarettes not so long ago. Is it payback time? Is it now the occasion to pay the ferryman ?
My wife thinks I need to look after myself better and I agree that I do all this more when I’m tired, ………….. She thinks that I should ….
“Jon!…….”( I’ve just been nudged)
(. . . . . what? Sorry, I was thinking about my best friend from when I was 15. Its sounds like a cliché but we used to lie on the roof of a log hut in the summer looking at the stars talking about girls, drinking whatever spirit one of us had liberated from the cabernet. I wonder if anyone actually has drinks cabernets anymore- such an 80s thing to have.)
I’m worried now, because I don’t think this is right for someone my age. I’m not young but I’m not yet even in my middle age. I have a wife a child and a new one on the way… I feel old. I want to be the one to look after them and take care of them but I’m worried as I see a possible future where it might not be me and it breaks my heart because it wouldn’t be my choice. I would be somewhere else looked after by a stranger….We wouldn’t grow old together, she would still be young and I would be old . I’d not see my kids succeed in life, like I plan. Do better than me being chained to a local authority desk, trying to make sense of a new town with no hope. I’m scared because, if it carries on in the direction it is going, my mind will be jelly and I will be dribbling into an apron at fifty.
My wife doesn’t think it’s that bad but I know in my own head what’s going on she puts it down to tiredness . I’m not a doctor goer, but this makes me want to go. Do I go and not tell the wife and risk her wrath if something is wrong, like some bloody awful soap Opera plot? Or ,do I tell the wife and worry someone who is already prone to anxiety and someone who currently needs their husband to be strong and certain? (- baby on the way and all that.) Or, the third way? Do I just drift into the soft and forgetful oblivion that I think is in the post and not be able to do anything about it until its too late.
You know, I might just get a good night’s sleep and see how it is next week. I’m glad I’ve written this down though, I’ll read it next week and know I’m being an idiot, or I’ll forget that I’ve written it at all.
being an idiot. Or forget that I’d written it all.