THE FIRST LADY SONNETS: WHITE HOUSE LAMENTATIONS IN HONOR OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S BIRTHDAY
Came I to America seeking gold.
Fortune’s glory would be my crown.
It troubled me little that he was so old.
Ay, how I’m wedded to this sorry assclown.
With great pride I birthed him a Baron.
Nobler in name than Ivana or Marla’s spawn.
By his side I stood at the swear in,
Despairing at the half-empty Capitol lawn.
Oh, cruel fate, must not I forget from whence I come.
Slovenia, the harsh land that bore me.
The hardships endured that rendered me numb,
Give me the strength to weather this Stormy.
I am e’re Melania.
I am e’re Melania
What demon possessed you to be ruler?
What we had, was it not enough?
On our big TV we fancied Ferris Bueller.
Methinks, husband, we had so much stuff.
On toilet seats of gold we perched in Trump Tower.
Ours were the steaks, the ties, the water, the wine.
On NBC’s The Apprentice thou wielded the power.
At Mar-a-Lago, kissed were we by winter sunshine.
Dear God, my heart has been shattered.
From this White House prison I cry to be free.
To the time when bling was all that mattered.
My soul’s as bare as Trump University.
Pretend not this be the life for which I signed up.
The serpent’s eye of politics was seen not in our pre-nup.
Shall I, your President, compare thee to a piece of ass?
Thou used to be more lovely and more hot.
When first I laid eyes on that pair — in a class
By themselves, I judged. Were they not?
How melonly you fruited your bustier of leather,
Raising the swords of speculative men.
So was I knocked heavenly by Cupid’s sharp feather.
Huzzah! In my book you were definitely a ten.
But, like sunned carpet, thy eternal summer did fade.
What worthy outlet remains for Eros’s vice
In a commander-in-chief whose destiny is to get laid?
When, now, an eight or maybe an eight-and-a-half will just not suffice.
So long as I can breathe and get it up.
So long as these little blue pills do fill my cup.
My First Lady’s eyes are nothing like my daughter’s.
The Ivanka Trump V-Neck Lace Shift Dress comes in red richer than her lips red.
If the Ivanka Trump Two-in-One Simulated Pearl Drop Earrings be white, then so are the teeth that I bought her.
If hairs be like the cord on the Ivanka Trump Onyx Drama Necklace, then brown-cords-with-caramel-blonde-highlights grow on my First Lady’s head.
I’ve seen the Ivanka Trump Goldtone Heart Bangle Bracelet Charm damasked rose and white.
Yet no such rose I see in my First Lady’s cheeks.
And in the Ivanka Trump Eau de Parfum Spray For Women, there is more delight
Than in the solemn breath that from my First Lady reeks.
Other than at Christmas, I never hear her speak, yet well I know
The Ivanka Trump: Women Who Work preface read by the author, hath a far more pleasing sound.
’Tis clear as the Ivanka Trump Eyewear Collection which of these brand queens sets my anti-statined heart aglow.
And who doth make the same cholesteroled organ so arrhythmically pound.
For I make without shame this claim as more than just her pater.
If she were more kind than kin, I would surely date her.
Do not mourn for me, husband, when I have fled.
When from executive time thou’r untimely ripped.
Notice thee not that I have tread
To Slovenia from this White House crypt.
Nay, if this line be read to thee, remember not
The hand that writ it; its ring thou bought.
As dare ye may have now forgot
The mistresses with whom thou’r caught.
Or, if perchance, thou look upon this verse,
And recognition doth slake thy thirst.
Tell truth’s fortune, for whom is worse?
’Tis Melania or thyself now curs’d?
Mueller hurls thy world aspinning.
Tired, are thee, of so much winning?