This is My LinkedIn Profile Now

Because I Deleted My LinkedIn Account…Finally

I Do Not Want To Connect With You by Jennifer Burk on Unsplash

I gave up on LinkedIn. I had it rolling strong for more than ten years, but it was time. I had 2,098 connections. My dashboard told me I was an All-Star. I don’t know how many of my connections I actually know, but 20% would be a stretch. Not a single message I ever received on LinkedIn was worthwhile.

In the past couple of years, LinkedIn turned into a spam-fest. My connection requests were littered with nonsensical “business opportunities.” My messages were a pyramid scheme of idiocy. My profile was an adjustable wasteland mired in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. Because LinkedIn holds no value anymore. At least, not for me.

I already deleted Facebook. I 86'd Pinterest. I tried to get rid of Houzz. I am close on Instagram. I want to delete them all, but I suffer the same FOMO everyone else has who is still suckling at the teat of the Internet. I tell myself it’s for business. But I know a business can prosper without social media. Because I remember when there was no Internet.

So, now it’s LinkedIn’s turn. I tried to tell you before that I didn’t want to connect with you, but you didn’t listen. You kept dipping into my messages with a “really interesting proposal for me” related to the job I worked seven years ago. So I had to quit you. For good.

This is My LinkedIn Profile Now

Quasi-Casual Tuesdays Now by Mubariz Mehdizadeh on Unsplash

At the time of its demise, my LinkedIn profile headline described me as:

Father, writer, speaker, podcast host, guest expert, former attorney, micromarketing maven, long-term thinker.

Pretentious AF, but in the overall cesspool of LinkedIn headlines, it’s not terrible. I even read articles in the past on how to craft the headline so it’s professional, modern and intriguing. I think I failed.

My summary was just blasphemous fluffery. A well-thought-out exercise in mental masturbation with business-like intentions.

Oh. My. God. STFU.

But this is what we do. To be professional. To provide our virtual resume to all potential headhunters and/or robo-emailers who are sending the same organic message to 2,362 people this week with similar qualifications.

Sorry, I’m out. But as a replacement, I give you this. Because this is my LinkedIn profile now.


Highlights Intended to Lather Me Up Before You Read About My Extensive Work History

Before I was on Medium, I wrote something for Inman. And in a shocking twist (because it’s not anything like me to do this), it was about my fight with a company.

I did some speaking engagements about content creation and blogging before I came to Medium. And you thought I was just a pompous jackhole spouting random knowledge on “how to do things the right way online.” Pfft.

Curaytor Excellence: Blogging That Gets Results

My part starts at 14:10. It’s about creating content for real estate, but it applies to everything.

nurtureCON: An Introvert’s Guide to Creating Content the Converts (video)

These are intended to be very impressive to prospective employers that I don’t want to talk to. Because I work best alone. In my home office. Bro, do you even use Slack? I don’t need to come into an office when I can leave Slack open on my desktop. All. Problems. Solved.

Seriously, I’d like to do more public speaking. But no one will ever look at this profile because all people on LinkedIn want to do is to SPAM us with the dumbest messages ever created. Ever. And this isn’t on LinkedIn.


Guest Expert Spots on Podcasts Before You Get Bored By My Job Breakdown

I go on podcasts as a guest expert quite often. Mostly I talk about parenting, work/life balance and my journey to the creative life. These were all extremely fun and each and every host was a pro. I learned a lot from them while I was yapping away.

Criminal Justice Evolution with Patrick Fitzgibbons

Change Your Story, Change Your Life with Louis Di Bianco

Vroom Vroom Veer: The Road Differently Traveled with Jeff Smith

Authentic Parenting: Parenting from the Heart with Anna Seewald

We Turned Out Okay: The Modern Parent’s Guide to Old-School Parenting with Karen Lock Kolp


A Comprehensive List of All of the Jobs I Never Want To Do Again (Except the Current One)

Greene Living, LLC — Managing Director — August 2017 to present.

This is the company I started so I could get out of the grind. It supports my writing, publication and podcast. Speaking of which:

I told you, this is my LinkedIn profile now. There will be links. And excessive humblebragging and reach around back slaps.

I’m serious though. When people want my LinkedIn profile, they will get a link to this.

Greene & Thomas Associates I, II, III, IV and V (formerly the Greene Family Partnership, also includes Chestnut Oaks Association and Cross River and Associates) — Partner — March 1989 to present

My dad taught my sister and I all about real estate from the time we were drooling onto a bib. He used to push me through the windows of homes on the foreclosure list so I could open the door from the inside. Yes, really. We bought a lot of houses by being the first to see the potential. And because I was really small and super slippery.

We own properties in multiple states. If this was LinkedIn, I would list all the towns, but it’s not. Let’s just leave it an interesting mystery.

Prominent Properties Sotheby’s International Realty, eXp Realty, Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices, Keller Williams NJ Metro Group — Team Leader / REALTOR® / SRS® / ABR® / e-PRO® / Certified Mentor / Trainer / Technology Ambassador — June 2014 to November 2017

3.5 years, 4 companies, lots of titles, lots of sales, lots of accolades, bla, bla, bla. It drove me to the brink. So I quit. And when I quit, I wrote about it for my first story on Medium.

Club Wealth — Real Estate Coach — October 2016 to January 2017

In another shocking turn, I had a philosophical difference of opinion with the direction of the company so I quit. I had six clients at the time. I still talk to a couple of them. I think I was a good coach. Or they were lying. Not sure.

Montclair State University — MA Museum Management Advisor / Adjunct Faculty — August 2011 to August 2014

I wrote about my experience here. Another shock. Hey, I like to write about things. Especially when they don’t end the way I had hoped. Which is basically all the time.

I taught Exhibition Workshop I (Exhibition Design), Grad Visual Arts Workshop: Art and Law (which I created), and The Business of Art.

Montclair Cooperative School — Instructional Aide / Mentor — October 2013 to June 2014

A story will come about my experience here. I worked with the sixth grade class every day, in every class. There were only about 14 kids in the entire class. It was a small private cooperative school. Some of the kids still follow me on Instagram. This was the most frustrating and most rewarding experience all at the same time.

Hunterdon Art Museum — Director of Exhibitions — January 2011 to April 2012

I loved this job. I think I curated some amazing exhibitions. I loved the physical footprint of the museum. It was an 1840’s mill, stone on the outside. Hard to work with on the inside, but it was always interesting. A story will come on this as well and it follows the same pattern as most of my jobs.

Philosophical differences. Quit. But crushed it while I was there.

Nicholas Robinson Gallery — Gallery Manager — August 2010 to December 2010

I literally sat at my desk all day in Chelsea and waited for my boss to tell me what to do. My job was to make sure everything in the gallery was perfect. I was also the jack-of-all-trades. If the toilet was messed up, that was me. If our exhibition designer was out and a Warhol needed to be hung for a private showing in the basement, that was me. The space was fantastic.

Collectrium — Director of Business Development — October 2009 to January 2010

I screwed up with this one. I quit, as usual. They sold to Christie’s later for a sh*t ton of money. I gave up all my options when I quit. My bad.

Greene Contemporary, Etc., Metamorphosis — Owner / Director — March 2005 to August 2009

I have so many stories about my life in the art world and my time owning my own contemporary galleries. I loved it. It was a financial disaster. But I still loved it. I learned so much.

I will use my LinkedIn blabber to supplement here:

Greene Contemporary was a contemporary art gallery with a distinct focus on emerging artists. From painting to drawing, photography to sculpture; Greene Contemporary sought to find the most compelling art to exhibit. Greene Contemporary opened in March 2006 in Sarasota, Florida (as Metamorphosis and then Etc.) and moved to 9 Clinton St. on the Lower East Side of New York City in September 2008,. In August 2009, Greene Contemporary closed its physical space. Greene Contemporary participated in nine art fairs around the world.

I miss art. But my house is literally covered in art. I know more than you think I do about art and the art world:

The Greene Law Firm, P.A. — Sole Practitioner — February 2004 to September 2006

This was my criminal defense firm. I handled every kind of case you can ever imagine. As a defense attorney, I tried 7 cases to verdict. Mainly because no one wanted to go to trial. I wanted to go to trial on every case. I mean, what were they paying me for? I can tell law stories every day, all day. And they are all true.

State Attorney’s Office of Broward and Sarasota Counties— Assistant State Attorney — September 1997 to January 2004

I tried 108 cases to verdict as a prosecutor and picked probably 50–75 more juries where the cases got settled during the trial.

I was a prosecutor in the Sexual Battery/Child Abuse Unit in Fort Lauderdale for a year. Before that I was a lead attorney in a Felony division, Circuit Court. Prior to that, I was a supervisor in the Misdemeanor division, County Court.

I taught at the Institute of Police Technology and Management, as well as at the FPAA Level I and Level II DUI School.

This was my favorite job by far because I felt like I was making a difference. But in retrospect, it was a lot murkier. The camaraderie and friendships were off the chart, in a good way, though.


Other Jobs I Had Before I Got a Real Job

  • Beach Boy at Bridgehampton Tennis & Surf (epic stories of teenage rebellion). I also rolled the tennis courts, mowed the lawns and worked in the gatehouse.
  • Camp Counselor at The Hampton Day School (Kingfisher for life).
  • Script Reader at Lefrak Agency (I don’t even know if it actually existed. My stepbrother used to bring me out scripts to read and I would fill out a form. I think he just had me doing his work.).
  • Law Clerk at the the Office of Steven C. Greene, Esq. (my dad). I also did collections, which was an adventure in and of itself.
The GOAT (my dad).

Education

  • Juris Doctor, Nova Southeastern University Shepard Broad Law Center — Fort Lauderdale, FL (1994–1997)
  • Bachelor of Arts, Criminal Justice, Magna cum laude, University of Hartford — West Hartford, CT (1991–1994)
  • Flunked Out, Babson College — Wellesley, MA (1989–1991)
  • High School Diploma, The Peddie School — Hightstown, NJ (1987–1989)
  • Got Sent to Boarding School, Ulysses S. Grant High School — Van Nuys, CA (1985–1987)
  • Middle School Diploma, Robert A. Millikan Jr. High School — Sherman Oaks, CA (1983–1985)
  • Moved to California Because My Mom Married an Actor, Saint Ann’s School, Brooklyn Heights, NY (1976–1983)
Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash

Why I Really Did This

It’s not a PR stunt. I hate LinkedIn and I couldn’t wait to delete it. It went from being a business connector to a SPAM factory and I wanted to no part of it any longer.

Does anyone really look through anyone else’s complete LinkedIn profile anyway? I am guessing no. Just like I am guessing you didn’t make it this far. But if you did, thanks.

But let’s not connect on LinkedIn. Because I’m out.

Bye.