My Mental Health Story

Mental Health is a topic that’s very close to my heart right now because I’m living it right now.

As my friends and people who follow my random tweets will know, I lost my dad to cancer on 20th June and it has truly ripped a hole in my heart. We buried him exactly 7 years to the day when I lost my mum to cancer.

Losing mum was really really difficult. Nothing and nobody can prepare you for it, and yet it happens to pretty much everybody at some point in their lives.

I struggled through what I now know to be mental health issues for several years after I lost her. At the time I dismissed it as 'acting out' and just struggling to grieve. My work suffered, and I never sought help because I didn’t think I needed it. I always told myself that I had great friends and that would be enough. But it wasn’t.

In my lowest moments I contemplated throwing myself off a train platform but thankfully never had the 'courage' to do it. The reality was that I never had the courage to speak out and let people know what was going on in my head. I struggled through and eventually felt better after many years of ups and downs.

When I lost my dad last month, it was a shock. We knew he was ill, he was diagnosed with cancer back in February. But it was the speed at which he deteriorated that was the most shocking. I spent time with him around my birthday - a week before he passed away and he was generally ok. Well, as ok as somebody can be who is suffering from a chronic disease and who has lost all mobility and cannot leave bed.

When I got the call to say he had been readmitted to hospital again, I felt relieved that he would be getting the care he needed. In the evening, I was told that he would be unlikely to leave hospital again. He passed away overnight.

So here I am again, spiralling with thoughts and regrets that I cannot control.

I have a real feeling of worthlessness, I’m feeling generally down and hopeless and it’s tough to get out of the mindset. Really tough

Of course I have my ups and downs like anybody does, but when you’re riding the downs it can feel like there’s just no way out and you spiral downward further. Last Saturday, I went for a walk and started overthinking everything, which resulted in a panic attack in a local park.

It’s during these moments that I again started thinking about ending my life - through an overdose, or maybe throwing myself off my balcony. I do feel like I have my head screwed on enough, and have more than enough to live for, so never feel like I’d follow through. The thoughts have been there though.

I’ve established a real anxiety toward the things I used to love. I didn’t go to a work party 2 weeks ago because I was terrified of the amount of people who would be there.

I’m terrified that everyone is judging me and probably hating me - which almost certainly isn’t the case, but that’s what my brain is telling me and it’s difficult to ignore.

My biggest crutch right now is overthinking what other people think about me.

Did that person swerve me and avoid me, or did they genuinely not see me? Do they know about how I’m struggling and do they hate me because of it?

I saw the warning signs this time. I didn’t want to suffer like I did last time. And so I’ve done the stronger thing and have sought help. I’ve been entirely open and honest with the amazing people I live with.

It’s been extremely tough and I always have a niggling thought that I’m just being an inconvenience and a pain in the arse to them. They always try and reassure me otherwise but there have been some rough moments with them in recent weeks. We’ve worked through it and I’m utterly grateful for them being in my life right now and feel indebted for their unwavering support.

I'm fortunate to work for a company that really values mental health and they offer access to specialist services free of charge. I'm starting my first therapy session tomorrow, and yesterday was the first time I felt good and in control again.

It's been probably the worst month of my life but I do feel more positive now because I'll be getting the professional help I really need.

I just hope that in sharing my story, it'll encourage others to speak out and do the strongest thing possible - get help.