A Note On Casting: Fergie’s “M.I.L.F. $” Music Video

And also… Is she the same person as Jessie J?!?

So, first thing’s first: Fergie, aka Fergie Ferg aka The Duchess, put out a new single and music video on the 1st of July, and it’s called “M.I.L.F. $”

Now that that’s out of the way… We have some questions:

1. Who the hell brainstormed this video?!
2. Who was this casting director??
3. Who didn’t make the cut?!
4. What has been happening with Fergie since that one weird performance at the American Music Awards a few years ago?
5. And for real, WHO MADE THE CALLS TO GET THIS VIDEO TOGETHER??
6. Does Jessie J know she’s on notice???

Let’s start with question 4. The friend of mine who sent me the link to this amazing video very fairly made note of Fergie’s conspicuous absence over the past few half decade, saying “I had 1000% (yes, 1000%) written off fergie until this week.”

Same! The last time we saw Fergie, as far as I can remember, was at the American Music Awards in 2014, when she inexplicably closed the show with a song I can’t recall having heard before that telecast.

What happened to “L.A.Love (la la)”? Was it just a single? Was it like a beta test for a possible album that never happened because no one talked about the AMAs performance? I don’t especially care — as you can tell by the fact that I have not even researched the answers to these questions. And now that we have “M.I.L.F. $” I super don’t care, because this song sounds like the “Glamorous”/“Fergalicous” Duchess of yore and we can just skip over that beta test period.

Next, let’s address questions 1 and 3, as in Who the hell brainstormed this video?! and Who didn’t make the cut for “M.I.L.F. $”? Sadly, we will likely never know the true answer to either. (Actually, we could… Some journalist just needs to ask Fergie; I volunteer.) But we do know right now who’s in the video, and it’s a who’s who of WHO’S WHO?!

Seriously, who thought “You know who’s a hot ass mom? Australian model Gemma Ward who was really having a heydey in 2008!”

Don’t get it twisted I LOVE Gemma Ward, and when she was modeling eyewear for what seemed like every high-end designer in the late aughts I was obsessed with her face. But I’ll be honest and say I hadn’t considered Gemma in a minute, so this was a weird and surprisingly thrilling cameo. THANKS, FERGIE!

And who among us totally expected to see Devon Aoki??

If you say you expected it you better shut it down right now because you’re a God damn liar. You, American viewer, haven’t expected to see Devon Aoki since the last time you re-watched Sin City and she was Deadly Little Miho and you fucking LOVED her for 15 minutes all over again. I certainly didn’t see this coming, but once again, THANKS FERGIE.

There’s some logic to be found with Alessandra Ambrosio and Isabeli Fontana

Alessandra and Isabeli are Brazilian models who are currently active and pretty famous if you follow models, and Brazilian models are just straight up eternal. So if you’re showcasing regulation hotties you need at least two of them on hand. That’s a rule. In any event, THANKS FERGIE.

Another pair of non-surprises are definitely Kim Kardashian and Chrissy Tiegen, who have made careers out of being desirable, highly photographed, and of late, being hot moms.

For a greater sense of what’s happening here, please see Khloé Kardashian’s Instagram of the moment:

Kim is making the face she makes, Chrissy and Fergie are vibing, and suddenly a moment with Fergie feels more 2016 that we thought possible just a few days ago. WELL PLAYED FERGIE.

Ciara being here makes a ton of sense because who else would you want to body roll up on besides Ciara? (The answer is Beyoncé but she is not a cameo. Ever.)

But you know who wasn’t on your shortlist for Mayor of Milfville? Amber Valetta!

And not because she doesn’t deserve to be. Amber Valetta will get my vote in that election. But still, I can’t say I could have ever seen it coming. So now we join Ms. Valetta in saying THANKS FERGIE.

And the remaining three women in the video — Natasha Poly, Angela Lindvall and Tara Lynn — are about as “Why the fuck not?” as a Fergie resurgence in 2016.

I’m sure each of these three will second my motion of THANKS FERGIE.

Now that we’ve done the roll call of sexy and randomly assembled famous moms, let’s consider the side question in all of this, which is Does Jessie J know she’s on notice??? I’m not about pitting women against women. There’s room for everyone, but I did not notice how Fergie Jessie J is until 1:50 in “M.I.L.F. $” when the former puts some signature salt on her vocals to tell us how she’s back on her grind.

Jessie J is shadow Fergie. Now that I’ve incepted you, listen to the beginning of “Bang Bang” with your eyes closed and tell me I’m wrong.

Have they ever been in the same place at the same time? Are they the same person? Is that not a Fergie verse in disguise? Clearly their voices are not identical but there is an emotional sameness — a spiritual link in their attitudes — that we just can’t ignore. Jessie J is unquestionably the more powerful vocalist, but when Fergie summons that inner-diva she too is sneaky good. I, for one, CAN’T WAIT until the collaboration track.

I mean, come on:

They’ve even got the same spring in their steps. Twirl on em!

And now, let us finally resolve question 2: Who was this casting director?? For that I will refer to another friend of mine who I think made the best possible guess…

Because Buddy Christ is DEF responsible for this one. Thanks, Buddy Christ. And once more: THANKS FERGIE.