“Lessons of Life”

If you are lucky and you pay close attention, life’s truths will be revealed to you as you age. It’s called wisdom.

My Story:

When I was in my twenties and an undergraduate I got it into my head that my high school love, who I had married, was no longer enough for me because she wasn’t my intellectual equal. We divorced after 6 years.

My sister and mother remained friends with her although they never really spoke much about it (40 years later). One day while I was visiting my mother, she called and I answered the phone. I was caught completely off guard, but pleasantly surprised and we had a long conversation.

She had remarried after our divorce and I learned that her new husband died of brain cancer after 10 years of marriage . She shared with me everything she went through and how difficult it was to care for him in the end, but that she never left his side.

She remained single for many years after and just took some time to reflect on her life. She told me that for awhile she was worried that she would become bitter at having to deal with such trying experiences so young (divorced and widowed by age 35). But, as time passed she said she came to realize that she was fortunate to have found love twice in her life, regardless of the outcomes. So, in her words, she focused on the things she has in her life to be thankful for like her family, friends and her belief in God.

The Insight

I remembered why I had fallen in love with her as a teen. She was just a wonderful and completely unselfish person (not to mentioned that she is quite beautiful). As she was speaking I experienced an epiphany. It wasn’t that I was too smart for her as I had convinced myself, I had really thought that I was just too good for her, that I could do better. But it became painfully obvious at that moment that it wasn’t that I was too good for her, the truth was she was too good of a person for me.

I learned that she was now in a long term relationship and very happy (she has now been married for two years). She told me she stayed in touch with my mom and calls periodically to see how she was doing (mom is 93).

I was so happy to hear that she was well and that although life had handed her some really bad breaks I wasn’t surprised that she had always remained grounded. I can’t really explain the feelings, but that discussion made me realize that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I never said anything because it seemed inappropriate after 40 years and I felt at the moment it would have been more for my benefit than hers. She had moved well beyond it many years prior and to mention anything would have been completely self serving. She had forgiven me (just like her), and although we had a very, very enjoyable talk, I ended the call feeling that, while I once believed she was not my intellectual equal, in truth I just lacked the maturity to appreciate her true strengths and value.

These were feelings that I didn’t even know I held. It was just wonderful that I was able to gain this insight so many years later and realize, and just accept, that I had made a life mistake. Most important to me was to learn that she rebounded from her ordeals and continues to be the same wonder person she always has been and she is extremely happy.

Looking back I realize that I was blinded by the arrogance of my youth to believe that I was somehow a “better” person. Of course now it makes absolute no sense to me. To have someone love you unconditionally is a gift and to have dismissed it only because I craved “intellectual stimulation” was being one dimensional and quite frankly shallow. It will not much matter when I am on by death bed. But to have someone there who truly loves and comforts me would be priceless.

The Truth

In the end this was not about her intellect, it was all about my lack of emotional intelligence.

There is so much more to life that you can see in your 60’s that you can’t see in your 20’s,30’s, 40’s or 50's. Maybe that is by design.

There is no rhyme or reason to this story and I am not sharing it to discuss whether or not I made the right or wrong decision or that I needed to clear my conscience by mentioning it. It was just something I did and I am thankful to have had the opportunity to reflect back on something from so long ago and experience a clarity of thought and emotion.

Life and Love

I have no regrets about the choice I made. Regrets have absolute no life value, anchor you to your past and serve as obstacles to experiencing life in the present, moment to moment, second to second. You can not change the past and you can not control nor predict the future, all you have is the here and now. Just like now as I write this story. I am here mentally, emotionally and physically. It is where life happens, in the present.

This experience had a profound effect on me. It revealed a personal character weakness. It was the type of insight that only comes from deep self refection and soul searching and yet it was handed to me out of chance. For me this epiphany, brought needed clarity to my life in my 60’s when you might think a person should have pretty much figured it all out.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I did find someone who I believed was my intellectual equal. I married her. We divorced after 26 years of marriage, that was 12 years ago and we are still friends.

We were extremely compatible. She challenged me and fueled my ambitions every step of the way mostly due to being as success oriented and driven as me. She had clear life plan and she established her goals early in life.

We both became very successful business executives and in many ways our marriage was secondary to our careers. Interesting thing when you married your intellectual equal: (1) you don’t easily win any arguments, (2) even the simplest discussion can become a debate, and (3) the intellectual bantering that was so stimulating in the early years becomes trying and frustrating. Somewhere along the way we fell out of love. But here again no regrets. We experienced a great life together, but with time we calmly came to the conclusion that we needed to end it. So we did.

I do not even attempt to understand exactly what happened. Maybe in my later years the truth will be revealed to me in a similar way with my first wife, or maybe not. It really doesn’t matter because my past is not my present..

The Lesson

I retired and gave up the “pomp and circumstances” of my professional career and titles and adopted a 3 year old son. I became the annoying father at all of his games — baseball, basketball, football, soccer, karate, and school plays. He is 16 years old now and if asked I will promptly produced pictures with agonizing chronological detail of every game and event in his young life. And I am loving every minute of it.

If asked what I would change in my past if I could, I would answer “not one thing”. Because if I did, I would not be where I am right at this moment, typing this story and wondering how I will next embarrass my son. He is my life purpose. He loves me unconditionally and has enriched my life beyond words. We have a wonderful relationship and I am fortunate to be able to give him my full attention.

I spend a lot of time speaking to him about my life and the things I did right and not so right. We speak a lot about relationships and what happened to mine (at his level of course). He asks a lot of questions about girls (he constantly ask me to teach him my “moves”, like I had any) and I try to answer them as honestly as I can, including the occasional “I haven’t a clue son, not a clue!”

True Happiness Found

With his encouragement and his blessing I am starting another business along with a long time business partner. But this time is all about my passion for health and wellness and not a drive for success. It’s been a blast so far and he has been by my side the entire way.

No Regrets

No, this story is about memories not regrets. It is just my teachable points of view from me to the reader. Nothing more, nothing less. I am where I am suppose to be in life and I accept and embrace it.

This is me today, happy, healthy and enjoying life at age 66.

Life is full of twists and turns. At times it will seem like you are just along for the ride. So, my advise is to hang on and just roll with it.

Remember that you do not stop learning when you become older, you become older because you stop learning.

They say a smart man learns from his mistakes and while that may be true, I now realize that the wise man learns from others mistakes. Truer words have never been spoken.