Defeated by…Damn it I can’t remember!
Returning back to school after a long 3 years of drinking was monumental for me. Upon returning I wasn’t sure I would be accepted by my former employer at VVC. I approached the Veterans window and whadda you know I was welcomed back with open arms like the Prodigal Son had returned. Even better I was offered my old job back helping veterans with making sure they got paid. Well, I was asked with a full time workload, beginning our first year of home school, and figuring out my 12 Step Meeting schedule. Unfortunately I was only able to work 15–18 hours a week which the VA didn’t want more than 20 which was okay in my book. Well it wasn’t enough. What happened next continues to leave a sour taste in my mouth because I was fired after 2 months of work. Irony; never being fired while drinking and drugging become sober get fired from first job in sobriety. I do laugh at that though. However, I asked Jason, my manager, I have developed and grown too much in the last three years of my life to leave here not knowing what I could have done better. There was a moment where he took in a breath then suddenly recaptured it again. As though I didn’t deserve it or perhaps he saw a fire in me that perhaps he didn’t want to fuel. I will never know, do I want to know sure I do, but maybe I already know the answer. You see it was like I was betrayed again. That day I asked for an extra day off after being ambushed in Iraq…Was it my political views and the cheers of joy after Donald Trump was elected? Maybe it was when I lost my cool and my PTSD and TBI got the best of me. Raging against a project I was assigned to do and didn’t know how to do it. See I am a loud guy and spoke in such a way that everybody in that cuboidal office could hear. I said, “I just got my ass chewed out for not knowing what to do!” That I believe got me canned or the T’ai Chi moves I did to calm myself down if I was getting stressed. And no it’s not like I was helping a veteran at the office window and just started moving my arms around and went into deep meditation. Whatever, it is what it is and writing about it is more productive than keeping a resentment and drinking over it. ’Cause what’s that going to solve? Nothing! Not a damn thing but a hangover and the resentment still haloing over my head. I am damaged! After multiple MRI’s and X-Rays and…CT Scans, my doctors found dural cysts from the concussions after being blown up multiple times in Iraq. Short term memory loss creates a whirlwind of chaos. You see that’s where confusion, anger, and frustration set it. These reactions or emotional strains I firmly believe aren’t choices I purposefully engaged in. Those explosions I was in the emotional trauma I was exposed too ripped me apart and scattered these active choices I once had. It is a bloody struggle everyday to imply focus and awareness towards understanding my emotional state when these moments occur.
So here I am at home writing and just trying to figure it all out. Trying to maintain myself, my family, and the future of my life all within a given day. Since the VA took away our Caretaker Program in which 2 grand went with it. I had to go back to school just to survive off of the 9/11 GI Bill BAH. And I know I am not the only one struggling to survive doing the same thing. So, I found myself getting into Bitcoin. Reading Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich. I knew I could do something with that. It one of those strange feelings you get when you know a new path has opened up for you. So far so good I suppose. We haven’t had to go back on Food Stamps and I am able to send Rachael to Louisiana to see her parents for 10 days. I am always willing to listen to my Higher Power even when times are shitty and there is hardly any food left in the refrigerator. I always find myself knowing that we will never be forsaken and that He will always provide for us.
So, I found myself reading and reading about alt-coin and Ethereum. Investing in multiple ICO’s I stumbled across one in particular called Patientory. This company got me fired up because it will give power of communication back into the hands of patients. Being paid in Patientory tokens because your health is getting better is outstanding. What if that is just the push someone needs to get better and off medication? God that’s got to sound good right? It does for me, shit, the VA would be less of a fuck up if maybe they started worrying about losing patients due to life improvement imagine that.