On Radical Freedom, Intrepid Ambition and Uninhibited Alignment with Source.

One hell of a vision statement, eh? Where to begin? New paradigm? Awakening? The Big Shift? Basically, I’m in the midst of a radical life transformation here and thought some of you might like to come along for the ride. You gotta start somewhere. But most of all I’m writing this because I feel it needs to be written. DISCLAIMER: I want this to be unfiltered and vulnerable; if reading some portion of it makes you uncomfortable or you are involved in the story and can’t handle this, then by all means stop reading and go live an awesome life. Seriously. I’m not writing this to be a dick or to drag anyone through the mud, I just wanna share my story and hope that it inspires or resonates with you and gives a glimpse into where I’m coming from, and where I’m headed.

So, let’s begin with the present: My wife and I are separating after 7 years. But as much as this end-of-the-relationship is HUGE and central part of this, it is really just the tip of the iceberg. What I am undergoing is more like a complete fucking overhaul of my consciousness. This larger transformation has been in the works for 2 years now — ever since I sat Vipassana and had a partial kundalini awakening — but now I am really seeing what the deep spiritual path and inner work is all about. And it’s AWESOME, and it’s terrifying and it’s beautiful. Have I mentioned how fucking ALIVE I feel? The strangest part is how RIGHT this shift has felt for both of us, even when we are dealing with difficult dynamics and logistics of a breakup of this magnitude. Every other major transition I have had in life has had a sort of existential panic with it, and this time I am wide awake and savoring each ebb and flow of the changing tide.

PART 1: Radical Freedom. In 2016, the mantra of FREEDOM became a central focus of my life. K and I bought an old RV and began gutting it and reconstructing it to Pinterest perfection. This descent into the off-grid lifestyle brought to bear many unexpected aspects of freedom: freedom from the JOB, freedom from my productivity complex, freedom from the shackles of ADULTHOOD and all things American Dream. It was great. We swam in the river every day, played like children, did yoga, meditated, communed with nature, reconnected with GOD and got back to the fundamentals of simply being humans existing on planet earth. Stripping away the layers of identity. And it got each other in touch with WHO WE ARE and WHY WE ARE HERE. The big questions. She found her passion, her creativity; the Universe made her start teaching yoga, and through a series of synchronistic events, we found ourselves opening a yoga studio/boutique in downtown Lockhart. I was so excited to see her soul come ALIVE with the birth of this project. It was everything I had always wanted for her. Still is. What I did not notice was the stirring of my own soul, quietly struggling to carve out a meaningful existence within the confines of the soon to be small-town yoga studio life. Which brings us to part 2.

PART 2: Intrepid Ambition. One part of the Vipassana path that I struggled with was the concept of LETTING GO of all sensations, desires. There seemed to be a joylessness in this approach, a dullness. I later came to understand that what you are letting go of is the ATTACHMENT to these things as the source of your happiness. By all means, enjoy pleasure, sensation, etc., but observe them for what they are and know that true happiness comes from the internal, not the external world. Similarly, I have come full circle with the concept of AMBITION. Letting go of the NEED to be productive, to leave a legacy of greatness or something to be passed down to the grandkids; after all these notions are just fodder for the ego. And yet, the drive remains. The same stirring in my soul, crying out for SOMETHING GREATER. “There once was a dream that was Rome…you could only whisper it. Any more than a whisper, and it would vanish.” [Gladiator.] My passion, my true calling, fueled and fed by the catharsis of live performance had slowly been stifled, neutered. Friends always used to remark about how different my onstage and offstage persona were. As I walked away from the band world, my takeaway was that the onstage persona was a put-on. I simply couldn’t reconcile the wild, charismatic frontman with the shy, introverted, boy-next-door. And so I retreated into kindness. Into simplicity, silence. Meditation. Introspection. Higher and higher, climbing the upward current of spirit. Into the clouds. Bliss. Ecstasy. And despite this contact with the divine, there was a sense of imbalance. And now I am realizing that the wild, charismatic frontman energy that I tapped into WAS my higher self. The energetic signature of those moments is the same primal ALIVENESS that I feel right now, coursing through my veins with the excitement of the unknown. I was afraid of it. I didn’t know what to do with it. So I cut it off, called it false. I took the spiritual path, began dedicating my life to honoring God. Which is a noble and laudable pursuit, however: what greater way to honor the Divine than by living your most ambitious, grandest vision of life? Become the fucking rockstar. It is who I am, who I have always been. The Hero’s Journey.

PART 3: Uninhibited Alignment With Source. A year or so ago I attended a workshop with Vanessa Stone at Sanctuary Yoga. I was dipping a toe into the world of sound healing and the deeper spiritual path but I was not ready for it. Too much truth. The central theme of the workshop was LIVING FROM THE SOUL, and the challenges, sacrifices that arise, etc. I pondered and prayed and communed with these amazing souls but I did not really understand what it meant, to live from the soul. I was not ready to face what needed to be faced. But the seeds were planted. After our RV hermitage, I began to work my way down from the clouds and into the body, embracing the downward current. I started noticing the disconnect between my primal CORE being and my spiritual voice, an issue I have come to call “spiritual whitewashing.” I was using the spiritual domain to dodge some very real world emotions and situations. One such situation being my wife requesting to try out an open marriage. I approached it in true stoic fashion, weighing the pros and cons and thoughtfully pondering the new age values of free love and non-ownership, yet always clinging on to my old-world instinct. After many cyclical arguments back and forth, I did something unexpected and life-changing: I set her free. This moment changed everything. The energy immediately shifted. An immense lightness and a watershed of tears came over both of us. Even more unexpectedly, I SET MYSELF FREE. At the time, my statement was still motivated by sacrifice; I would martyr myself and let her fuck other people and put up with it in the name of TRUE LOVE. (I know, twisted.) This has its origins deep in the beginning of our relationship, where I kept having dreams about her and saw many signs from the Universe telling me that SHE WAS THE ONE. And so I built our life around this Hollywood love story and developed a sort of destiny blindness, ignoring the multitude of signs from the Universe telling me that this was NOT a great situation for me to stay in. We had grand adventures — laughter, love, passion, connection — all the trappings of a successful marriage, but I realize now that she never loved ME, she loved the LOVE. She loved the story, the relationship. This is apparent in so many ways now. Which is not to say we shouldn’t have been together. We were definitely brought together for a purpose and have been and are soul mates. But we fulfilled those karmic debts. And now I am set free. Instead of living my life as a sacrifice to lift her up, (a family pattern that goes back generations) I am free to live my fullest, grandest adventure. From the soul. And I am no longer afraid of this primal WARRIOR rockstar energy, this shadow energy. I am aligned with that which is divine in me. In that center I am whole and joyful and curious and without inhibition. I give zero fucks. And I thank the Great Spirit with every breath.

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Joseph Nicholas Mach
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