“Silicon Valley” Will Fix It: Barack Obama Edition

I BELIEVE THE Bloomberg ART DEPARTMENT WOULD APPROVE

Yesterday, Wired guest editor and current leader of the free world, B.H. Obama, issued a to-do list for Silicon Valley:

FIX THIS COUNTRY. STEP IN WHERE MITCH MCCONNELL BLOCKED ME.

Naturally, Wired was content to let VISIONARIES wax theoretical. GREAT! Let’s go the the change-board:

END INEQUALITY:

Tim O'Reilly (smart man!) suggests that financiers and casino players in SV should pursue goals (“…innovate in ways that create actual gains in growth and productivity…”) that run counter to how they became wealthy in the first place. Not off to a great start here.

STRENGTHEN CYBERSECURITY:

After giving readers a history on computer vulnerabilities, a dude at Andreessen grits his teeth and fakes nice (“…we need to find a constructive way to work together on issues like this…”) while purposely leaving out the good part where he suggests the NSA stop drug testing its best and brightest recruits.

MAKE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CARE ABOUT AMERICAN VALUES, PROSPERITY, FREEDOM, JOBS, THE ECONOMY, RISING TIDES, AND OTHER PLATITUDES:

Here, a guy who makes creepy software for stalking ex-lovers soothes us with this gem. “I think AI is good.” Wired really shooting for the stars here. How can these solves possibly get more concrete?

KEEP TERRORISTS FROM SEXTING, BUT LET THE NSA BACKDOOR THEM, HEHE:

The answer here is novel if impractical for anyone but Google, and possibly Amazon (that Prime order history spells TROUBLE for you doomsdayers!) Maybe just let Google run the Pentagon? Now we’re digging where the ‘taters are.

Let’s keep the momentum.

DEVELOP TOOLS THAT WILL TAKE CLIMATE RESILIENCY AND CLEAN ENERGY MAINSTREAM:

Is that… really a properly worded “to-do?” Honey, collect sustainably sourced calories in affordable yet palatable format, of which more than 51% of our dinner party will find agreeable, convenient, and appeasable to their already hectic lifestyle. I don’t blame Mary Barra for instead giving a recruiting pitch.

One more. Rally caps everybody.

MAKE IT EASIER FOR CITIZENS TO PARTICIPATE IN THEIR GOVERNMENT:

And the folly of this whole charade — there is no sub $100M/5 years to traction startup capable of breaking down government’s technology silos and procurement. If the president wants Google to do this, just ask Google. Don’t tease the rest of us.

WHAT WOULD WORK BETTER

AN OPEN PARAGRAPH FOR THE SOON-TO-RETIRE MR. OBAMA.

Look, know you want to help. Totes kewl. Let’s say you use that star power and instead of doing some weird BRAND SYNERGY with Wired, how about you crowdsource $1B from these same jackals (Mark, Marc, Mary, Satya, & Larry), then give that money to non-Silicon Valley groups already working on the solutions. Or look at this list. Or just ask these same people above to fix said problems. They can afford to play with your ideas. Most everyone else, can’t.