As it Happened: The Emoji Movie
When I heard that the writer/director/visionary mind behind “Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch” had a new project invading theaters this summer, I could not have been more excited. For months I followed the film’s every move, drooling over it’s all-star cast (T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Sir Patrick Stewart), and plotting how I would celebrate opening night. Just when the anticipation was nearing unbearable, it was here:
July 27th, 2017.
The Emoji Movie.
Thursday July 27th, 2017 as it Happened
2:02 AM: I wake with a start. Glancing at my alarm clock, I note the time, but it takes a moment to sink in: Today is the day. Emoji-day.
2:10 AM: I toss and turn, unable to quell the storm of questions that swirl in my mind. Questions like “Am I ready for my world to change?” “Am I worthy of this experience?” and “How much did they pay Sir Patrick Stewart to play the Poop Emoji?”
2:15 AM: I’m too excited to sleep. I pull out my laptop, navigating to YouTube and pulling up the playlist of Emoji Movie promotional materials that I’ve titled “100% Certified Grade-A LOLZ!!!” and let the hilarity gently lull me back to sleep.
11:25 AM: I’m grumpy. I’ve been awake for a few hours, pacing, too anxious to eat. I keep looking at the clock, but time seems to be standing still.
11:26 AM: I work at a movie theater, a job that I really like! In addition to the competitive wage, all the popcorn I can eat, and allowing me to qualify for 100% medicaid coverage, I can call in and reserve tickets for any show that is not sold out. The theater opens in 4 minutes. I hope my call gets through before the (inevitable) horde of cinephiles that will be clamoring to see The Emoji Movie on opening night.
11:30 AM: The line is busy. FUCK.
11:31 AM: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
11:32 AM: God is dead.
11:32:30 AM: I finally get through, hopefully I’m not too late. My Manager Brandon answers the phone in his cheerful, sing-song voice:
Brandon: [REDACTED] Movie Theater, how may I help y —
Me: It’s Josh. No time for pleasantries. I need to reserve some tickets, RIGHT NOW!
Brandon: Okie dokie, what will you be —
Me: Put me down for two tickets for 9:50 “The Emoji Movie”
Brandon: You’re seeing the, um…
Me: Emoji Movie, yes. Why? How’s it looking? Is it sold out?
Brandon: [Laughs] No, it’s not sold out. It’s looking open. Very open.
11:34 AM: I finally get off the phone with Brandon. What did he mean by “very open?” That doesn’t make any sense. Maybe the computers are malfunctioning? Very curious.
12:00 PM: I decide to treat myself to a fancy lunch. so I drive to the closest IHOP. I order pancakes and ask the server to “make themlook like an emoji.” They didn’t disappoint.
5:45 PM: I forgot that my partner is going out of town for work, so now I have an extra ticket to opening night of the summer’s hottest movie. One of my friend’s is going to be STOKED.
6:40 PM: None of my friends are stoked. I’m going to have to open this up to the public.
7:15 PM: No one has taken the ticket yet. Very strange. Is my post visible? Is Facebook down?
7:40 PM: After some investigating, I’ve determined that Facebook is not down, and my post is definitely visible. Hmm. Maybe the timing was wrong? I’ll wait a few minutes and try again.
8:30 PM: Still no takers. It just doesn’t make any sense! Who doesn’t want to explore the whimsical world “Textopolis,” where emojis live footloose and fancy free? Where Sir Patrick Stewart plays the Poop Emoji??
8:43 PM: Oh my god. It’s not the movie. How could it be? It promises to be a laugh filled thrill ride for the whole family. There’s only one thing that could be keeping people from fighting over the ticket. It’s me. No one wants to spend the movie’s 86 minutes with me.
8:45 PM: For the life of me I can’t think of what I did to simultaneously drive everyone in my life away from me, and on today of all days! What a bummer. I can’t let this ruin my big day. I’m going to spend the next hour in silent meditation, preparing my heart, mind, and soul for the gifts that The Emoji Movie has prepared for me.
9:43 PM: It’s almost time! I’ve decided that my friends and family may have abandoned me, but I will not abandon them! I’ll be live tweeting the experience, so that they can feel like they were there too.
9:53 PM: The movie theater is empty, except for me. Where is everyone? The new guy was working concessions, and he’s pretty slow. People are going to be PISSED if he makes them late for the movie event of the summer.
10:10 PM: The previews are over and there’s still no one here. New guy is definitely getting fired.
10:11 PM: Phew! There’s an animated short before the movie! There’s still time!
11:40 PM: The movie is over. I’m weeping, not because I’m sad, because I’m so happy! The movie was exactly what I wanted it to be. I haven’t felt this way about a movie since “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” — a movie so good that me, my partner, and the person we saw it with went home and had a threesome. But you know what’s better than a threesome? Sir Patrick Stewart’s hilarious, and Oscar-worthy performance as the Poop Emoji. 10/10. Absolute Perfection.
11:45 PM: I see a lot of movies, but I don’t see a lot of films. “The Emoji Movie” is a film of the highest caliber, and I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and read the eloquent praise heaped on it by critics across the world.
I woke up the next morning, full of life, and ready to tackle the world. I opened up my computer and navigated to Rotten Tomatoes to bathe in the inevitable praise that was being heaped on the The Emoji Movie. What I found was a Main Stream Media (MSM) smear campaign, the likes of which the world has never seen. The Emoji Movie had a tomatometer rating of 0%.
Fortunately for The Emoji Movie, I was ready to harness my massive social media following and do war with the MSM.
My fans/followers were mobilized. They were calling their local film critics and demanding positive reviews and leaving ominous emoji-only comments on their social media pages! Opening weekend box office numbers are important if you want a studio to make a sequel, so I made one last desperate plea…
And that’s where we are. If you are a film critic and you are reading this, please know that we, the people, see you. We are everywhere, and we love The Emoji Movie. Please, for the sake of cinema, do the right thing. Write a positive review so that we can one day return to Textopolis and it’s colorful band of misfits in “2 Emoji 2 Movie.” Please.