I wouldn’t say I am ashamed, but I do think it was silly of me to envy other women who could just sleep around. I have always just been in relationships that became either serious or ended very quickly and never became nothing more than just “talking”. I always had a few girlfriends who would; as I wish everyone would, not care about what anybody thought or said about them. I never know immediately what type of effect things played on them internally, but as a friend they seemed to always be happy. Other than the typical arguments or shallow based fights, I feel like the actual fooling around part didn’t phase them as It would have me.
I am not saying I never tried
Usually after a break up, usually in the event that It was serious and I had felt broken up, I would tell myself that I would just not care. I would date and just enjoy my life without getting attached… But it never really worked out that way. I usually will never pull someone along if I see that I couldn’t possibly see myself with them. When I recover, I find someone who seems better and fall flat on my face back in love, a relationship. I try my best to make my mistakes from the last relationship, not a choice the second time around. Luckily for me my relationships have usually ended abruptly because of a drastic decision like being cheated on…. for example. But having a relationship or being in one makes me feel like I am enjoying the moments I come across with someone else to share. I like my life simply feeling steady.
Speaking of steady
I assume that the reason for me always wanting a deeper connection with people is the intimacy of it. I have had a fear for a long time that I would ruin every good thing that came into my life. The things I had been through in my life, set me up in a way that I never thought I was worth something good. With years passing and relationships happening, I realized that I grew up from that part of my life. Though I do hold onto a lot of things I wish I could just forgive and forget, it still exists and I still am working through those issues. So you can see why relationships are more of “My Thing” to me. Maybe I will never just be someone who can just date or have temporary moments of lust. Who knows honestly. Maybe five years from now I will end up single and wanting to try it out as well. I really do hate how complicating thinking can be.