Ezinne. To think that I might have made it to the end of my life without having seen this fucking sentence. Fucking hell, woman.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – thank fuck you’re here.

As a side – funny thing – I’m the polar opposite to you – I’m a white chick (freckles on my nose and everything) and all tits and arse and sway back and all that shit – no operations (not the Caitlyn Jenner variety nor the Kale Kardashian implant variety).

Do I sound like I’m bragging? Nup. I spent my dating years in a white world. White boys only wanted skinny chicks. Trophies. Miss World. I was miserable with my body growing up in the 80s. I was boyfriendless and miserable and lonely. At least I had a nice personality though, right? Ha. Who cares?

I wonder if that Ukoha Cool Starbucks range I was telling you about earlier could include a biscuit like a Yin Yang style biscuit – except like a couple of Paisleys (in honour of you-know-who) that click in together, spooning – one with dark chocolate one with vanilla.

They’d be different shapes because I’m tits and arse and you’re not, but your talent is bigger.

How does one depict talent in a Paisley Yin Yang biscuit?

Fuck – I’m such a capitalist pig. I don’t even fucking like biscuits.

Amazing piece – as always. You’re one cool cookie.