Man Declares to His Platonic Female Friends That He Is Not Gay

Graphic by Alice Hui

A man known as “Jeff Montgomery, he’s such a great guy” held a press conference at a local eatery to declare, in no uncertain terms, that he is not gay. The announcement took place while enjoying brunch with 13 of his estimated 27 close, platonic female friends. The table at which the incredibly emotional announcement was made was covered in half-eaten brunch items, empty champagne glasses, and iPhones. After the third round of mimosas was poured Jeff stood up, politely asked everyone to stop Instagramming and bravely announced, “Ladies, the charade is over. Not my charade but the charade that you have put upon me.” After a deep breath Jeff declared, “I am a straight man. I wasn’t sure if any of you were aware of that.”

Jeff has been the victim of what he describes as “A hellish pattern of female friendships but far more frustrating then all of the levels of hell combined.” It’s a common affliction among many men who don’t own aviators or hit on every woman he sees. “As much as I love listening to you complain about your shitty boyfriends and how insensitive and boring they are while I sit in your bedroom watching you get dressed in front of me so we can go to a movie, enough is enough. Your friendships and the trust we have built mean a lot to me but, Jesus, at this point it’s just sort of cruel. I understand that women tease men, both ones they’re interested in and not interested in, but this sort of behavior has caused me emotional and sexual anxieties. If I were a gay man it would not be a big deal. However, I am straight man. I know all of you knew this at some point but perhaps during our thousands of conversations about your shitty boyfriends and my 23 months of single-hood maybe you all forgot that due to my sexual orientation I am incapable of being your ‘gay bestie’. I will now field questions.”

A lovely young woman sheepishly raised her hand. “Yes, Megan?’

“Umm, if you had feelings for any of us why haven’t you said anything?”

“Megan, good question, and thank you for being here this morning. I hope things are better with you and Sean. To answer your question, I’m shy and intimidated and the fact that you’ve said to me on numerous occasions, ‘I’ve never told anyone this’ and then go meet Sean at his favorite coffee place has certainly reduces my opportunities to engage. We still going to the MOMA later? Next question.”

Pointing to a short-haired brunette, Jeff called, “Your question, Lauren?”

Lauren said, “Can we get more mimosas?”

Jeff responded, “Can we please stay on topic, ladies?”

Jeff concluded with, “The bottom line, lady friends, is that I am a straight man and yet you flaunt your beauty in front of me like bait on a hook yet you don’t see me as a viable fish. I’m a viable fish, ladies. It hurts me that while I wonder what your nipples look like, you’re trying to make things work out with a guy who owns the state’s largest collection of cargo shorts. However, based on your behavior towards me, none of you have ever given a thought as to what my nipples look like. That hurts. But I have unremovable mental images of what all of your idiot boyfriends’ dicks feel like. My knowledge of your boyfriends’ dick characteristics isn’t me being gay. This is you being completely disrespectful to my heterosexuality.”

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